merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 167, 15 July 1911, Page 14

merrier moments

"What will be your chief aim now you are in Parliament?" asked the ininterviewer. "To stay here," answered the laconic young statesman.

An architect remarked to a lady that he had been to see the great nave in the new church. The lady replied: "Don't mention names. I know the man to whom you refer."

A street urchin yent rrjko a grocer's shop and asked for a quarter of a pound of tea. "Black or greev.i" inquired the grocer. "It doesn't matter, mister; it' 3 for a woman who's blirti. ,.

"Search the poets, yonng man," ad vised the philosopher, "sc »oh the poets." "And what's the use?" ■ "nnplajned the ex-pickpocket. "I once ." rched a poet an' all I got was a pay* ticket."

They -were choosing <•• name for the new baby. "I think Esmeralda is too sweet," one of the 'nfant's aunts. "Alfreda is better, and more uncommon," added another. How would Alvina do?" asked a third. "Hardly," said the fond father. "You seem to be getting away from the idea that this is a baby and not a new kind of cigar."

"Mr Enstein, I come to ask for Rebecca's hand." "Id is yours, Ikey." "Do te diamond rings oa, it go mit it, Mr Einstein?"

A grocer, one of the meanest of men, was one day serving a customer with a pound of butter when, just as he was about to pull it off the scales, the customer said:—

"Excuse mc, but that is not correct weight."

"Well," replied the grocer, "I am allowing for that fly that sat on the weight."

Tramp: Kind lady, I've lose my arm, "Kind Lady;?: Well, I ain't got it! THOUGHTFUL HENRY. Mrs X. (in bed): "Henry, did you leave out anything for the cat before you came up?" Mr X: "Yes, I left a tin of condensed milk on the table, with the tin-opener beside it." THE PERFECT MAN. ■There is a man who never drinks, Or smokes, or chews, or swears; Who never gambles, never flirts, And shuns all sinful snaresHe's paralysed! There is a man who never does A thing that is not right; His wife can tell just where he is At morning, noon, and night— He's dead! HOW HE FOUND IT. Mrs Smith was known to her boarders as being rather "near" in the portions of food that she doled out to the boarders at her table. At one dinner, wishing to be polite to a new boarder, she asked: "Mr Finley, how did you find the steak this evening?" "By turning my potato over," replied the boarder. THE WRONG SIDE. A batch of Rhodesian policemen were travelling from Bulawayo to Salisbury before the railway was built, and at one of the "outspans" were examining the washing of the various pieces of clothing, which they had done, at a wayside spruit. Pat X was turning over hia shirt very critically, when a comrade remarked, "That shirt doesn't look too clean, Pat." "No, be jabers," answered Pat. "I was just thinking! I've washed ut on the wrong soide." SPEED. A guest in an American hotel was shot and killed. The negro porter who heard the shooting was a witness at the trial. "How many shoots did you hear?" asked the lawyer. "Two shots, sah," he replied. "How far apart were they?" '"Bout like dis way," explained the negro, clapping his hands with an interval of about a second between claps. "Where Vere you when the first shot was fired?" "Shimn' a gemman's shoe in the basement of de hotel." "Where were you when the second shot was fired?" "Ah was passin' de end ob de street."

.New Lodger (sarcastically). «t, ii. the soap there is » the room" T ,l lady (decidedly): -Yes, Z a }** allow you." JScw Lodger-' take two more rooms, i~", Jfl my face in the niornmg/ **i The Good Man: '-Do yra, i™' go wh o thL" The Bad Boy: '"Katherl Tfar V where there is birds. Didn't tatov S? , went down in a well did "What is woman?" asked a a pubhc meeting. 'tfwstttf "Woman," replied a man £&§& ence—.a married inan-'<is an animate? ing, with the power of speech ah, , ally developed, and entirely, surfe by a dress that buttons, up theJS* "Hallo, Lushington!" ehouted Bani "Bow are you, old maa! have a drink." -='r^ "Xo, thanks," returned ] LTishimL, "I've sworn off for three Months. ,, "Have you, indeed?" said Bravo, that's capital. We iriust JutT drink on the strength of it m.il-5 you have?" , . ■" "Little drop of Scotch, please." A LIGHT READER. She: "Do you read much?" He: "A great deal, but ifb jioffl, light reading." ■■••■.• ' And -when she was told that h eni employed by the Gas Company to Jj gas meters for a living, she gnaiiife teeth in indignation. A LOVING HUSBAND.:-' . A husband was advised by the v tor to send his sick wife to climate. "Will Sydney do?" he asked. ~ "Oh no," said the doctor, "sgnufbi, warmer than that." * "Fiji?" "No; \varmer than that." Then the husband disappeared, and » turned with an axe. "You hit her fa tor," he saidj "I can't." : \'..'. THE GREAT ALEXANDER. There was a chap -who kept a etoie, And though there might, Legrasta He sold his goods to aE who.came,. And his name was Alexander.* He mixed his goods with tnuuuag. lvi He was a skilful brander;. ,- . And since his sugar was half sail They called Mm Alex-sander.V. He liad his dear one and she cams,: And lovingly he scanned her: " He asked her would she coinge'lg name, A ring did Alex-hand-her. - ; "Oh, yes," she said, with "If I can be commander." ~ ~-., Aud bo they framed a partnership; ■ And called it Alex-and-her.

Irate City Man: "Here, what do« mean by reporting my death in! J* paper this morning?" Clerk in Newspaper Office: "Sonj,Bii the error should not have occnrfed! City Man: "Look at the harmitfiHi mc." Clerk: "Well, the only thing we tin* is to put you in the Births to-monu morning." VERY PROMISING.-. ''■ The editor took a new reporter 1, trial recently. He sent him to Settle news, and after being away aH'<l«J« returned with the following, vM'*said was the best he could do:— "Yesterday we saw a sight whiM? our blood with horror. A cataa^f* , ing down Market-street at a'rapiW was very near running over a.no™*". two children. Thare would hive 1* one of the most heart-rending a** s ? , phes ever recorded had not the m* with wonderful forethought,. left.* children at home before ate and providentially stepped into , *?* by chemist's shop just before tie* passed. Then, too, the.-caTsaMU 1 * liefore reaching the crossing, ftWffiJ something he had forgotten, ing about, drove in the. opposite <r tion. Had it not been for *!»&**£ ful concurrence of favourable stances, a doting father, a and affectionate brothers-ana.:™*' would have been plunged inta%rj est woe and most unutterable w&* expense. It is thus that we in life haunted by death." • ; , The new reporter will be retaiuw.x.jgg

KINKING IN THE KITCHEN. (The lady of the house having been star' led by a loud crash from • - ■ . invesr.icrv.e3 . .- ' —■•tet) 1 Lp-stairs Girl: "Mβ find cook, ma'a m was practising, so Tre ceaM |» rink Saturday night, -when we made a bit Ui a <up-ujj, ma'am. S»* a

,_. _ eaT about this time I make a -tot of looking up the American staLfcal returns of the accidents and . fcjths that take place with positively β-ckenag regularity on or about the four* of July in the United States. jji3 time, I am glad to say, 1 have been jaeeably disappointed. On July 6 we tkrd that half the town of Princeton, Lwbere out Kansas way had disapared in a conflagration that started Jk some patriotic crackers; but the total fist of C asualti Si was, judged by he American standard, absurdly small. tL flares have not yet been completed, ~ it ° is asserted that not more than in deaths were due this year to celebralm on tto "Glorious Fourth.'; It may Merest you to know that within the h«t ei'W years more than 37,000 people fare met with serious accidents incurred ■ Mitriotic celebrations on the -Ith of Lf • and of these 1002 have died. Qt it astonishing that people should t content to run these amazing risks !l r by year on the plea ttiat they are Jdetating something or other? Truly, tie Americans, like the English, must feiesome.of their pleasures sadly. ii±i±±±i±± Sow that town planning is in the air, fcfld slum-pictures are much in evidence in ill our illustrated papers, I hope that the persona chiefly interested will take oreful note of what our District Health Officer means by putting a house into ''proper hygienic and saDftary con 11 iion." There i 3 a house somewhere in Onehun"a which had been " condemned" j» the° Health Department, and oiier wanted to know if he couldn't do Homething to improve it, instead of getting it destroyed. Certainly, said Dr. UakgiU, the man can keep his house if he will'put it into proper order; and t'ni3 h what " proper order" means—the owner must remove afil replace the iltaele and spouting, the verandah ami "lean-to, all decayed beams and boards, all paper and scrim; he must put in new studs and lining where required, and paper the whole place afresh; he Bust remove asphalt and earth from under the verandah so as to allow of proper ventilation, and he must finish lie surface outside with tar and I fancy if any property of yours is ever "condemned" by the Health Department you -will find it cheaper to 'burn it at pight, and say nothing. ii±i±±±ii± What is all this fuss about the City ■ Engineer? When I heard that Mr. Bush was to he disrated, I naturally thought tiat there was some serious complaint or charge to be brought against him. But no, the Mayor assures us that there are no complaints, and that Mr. Bush has done good work for the city. Then ' why take him out of the position for which he is plainly so well qualified, snd set him to do something else? It Beens absurd enough to mc. Of course, any man who is offered £1200 a year to aet.;as Drainage Engineer might be glad to take the job if he were not grring;up something that he liked better. firVyou can't.get away from this, that Vis Drainage Engineer is supposed to Iβ Bnrmrdinate to the City Engineer, and that if Mr. Bush takes control of pur drainage he will be taking a step downward in rank and authority. Naturally he isn't inclined to do it. And low, just when we are going to vote : Kindreds of thousands of pounds to do all sorts of things to our roads that Mr.-Bush has been advising us to do for years past, is this the time to hand (TO the task of looking after our public works to a new man, who won't know anything about them or us for a long time? It seems to mc a very silly business altogether, and I devoutly hope that the City Council will think twice. I don't believe that many people would Tote for the new loans if they thought that a stranger would be entrusted with the spending of all this money. ±ii±±±±4±± Somebody who is interested in childlabour ha.3 dropped mc a line commenting oa my remarks about child-slavery in ue Cow country. I am afraid that «ere is not much doubt that both in wb country and in Australia large num«rs of children are heavily overworked m.the_ great Cow cause, and that their Mutation is a'most entirely neglected wen the claims of Cow are under conEaeration. A "par" bearing on this question has just come in my way. It teords that during the last few days a. If-acre dairy farm—not in Auckland. 1m glad to say—sold at £73 per . *h> aad that another dairy farm of 20 Joes hi the South has also changed ™ds at £87 per acre. Now, I ask anyWy who knows anything about Cow, J 3 rt possible to make dairying pay on ™fl at from £70 to £90 an acre, if you P« decent wages for labour? I don't ™ow anything about these special "nns, hut that sort of thing can't be ««>e unless the farmer and his family, especially the children, are converted in"Positive slaves and serve Cow day and mt without ceasing. Is lit worth it? « course it is a shocking fate for our powmg gi rls and boyg _ But is ifc worth Mc country's while to put up with that !^" o*.tb!mg0*.tb!mgj juts t to rake m a bi-ger •"urn from our dairy sales? I doubt it. 4iiii±4i±± OthSyW? l diV ° rCe (aS J WaS tllC tUrinnT ■ } Ye COme aCro33 rather » &H mt l rpretation of tha t time*»«tted phrase, "incompatibility of The case* recurred in hJ'\ 1 n - mve3ti Sation, the hus«4L°mplaint e really amounted to that the wife had bought 37 new each 7 T\ at an avera S K cost of £2 toe W, y aSSUred the Court that :le I L d r n f the same I*" 011 of time, 1 to W. nly v had 30me bilateral evidence «W7d-«,7"? " p - ■ life the wif ■ / m? SiX years of m * rri <" l 1 B «fcd £lo e 4 d T. mak "' 3 bi,U had ab " band's i^m? , her ovrn and her husWIT *?' and the J ud ? e wa * deeply li 4 f OprJatel - v moved V this exhifemDeram.'S - c " inc ompatibility of ■ ■eafflrfv Wlth a husband who » war t ?v c COuld dre3S well on £ 50 towT<w . c end the lad - v retired eonld c °n*'der whether she sSV/T 1111 -'' fr ° m h " odbur - Jearfnr ,',? the extetu of £300 a decree is to be forthcoming