MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLI, Issue 31, 5 February 1910, Page 12

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Aunt Eliza: Is your mother in, Willie? Will: Should think she was. D*yer s'poae I'd be workin' here in the garden if she was out? Arctic literature.— Oook-books and Pearyodkala. "What have you been doing up in the country?" "Oh, Just fishing and lying around." Binks: I hear these suffragettes want men's wages. Jinks (married man): I know one woman who gets mine. Mike: Oh, Pat, the black eye 'aye ye! Phwat's the matter ? Pat: Oi paid Clancy a grudge yisterday, an' thot's the resate he gave mc. "Are you willing to join us and become a vegetarian?" "Yes," said the philosopher, "if you're willing to concede that all flesh is grass." Lady of the House: "But that fish isn't fresh!" Fishmonger: "An* whose ffe.ult'3 that, madam? I offered it to yer at the beginning of the week, an' yer wouldn't 'aye it then." Yankee Visitor: "I guess you have killed a few in your time?" Pensioner: "Yes, about 200 or more." Yankee: "Ha! perhaps you were a gunner or something eh?" "No; I was the regimental cook." Young Reporter: "Is it true, sir, that you started life as a poor ploughboy?" Successful Citizen: "No, sir; I started life as a small, red-faced, yelling baby. Good-day, sir!" TOLD IN DENMARK. Returned exploTar: Yes. the cold was so intense at the Pole ire had to be very careful not to pet our dogs. Miss Youngthiug; Indeed! Why was that? Returned explorer: You see, their tails were frozen stiff, and if they wagged them they would break off. BY THEIR FRUITS "I suppose you know of my family tree?" said Baron Fucash. , "Yep," answered Mr. Cumrox. "It may have been a good tree, all right, but it looks to mc as if the crop was a failure." A THING OF ODDITY'S A JOY FOR EVER. "Isn't your hat rather curious in shape?" asked the uninformed man. "Certainly," answered hu wife. "It has to be. Any hat that w?isn't curious in shape would look queer." THE FUTURE STATESMAN - . "Harold!" . "Yes, papa." "What's this I hear? You say you ■won't go to bed?" "Papa," replied the statesman's little boy, "if you heard anything like that, I have been misquoted." ' INSULT TO INJURY. "Well, did he pay you?" asked the wife of a dentist, who had been to collect a bill for a full set of false teeth that he had made for a man almost a year before. "Tay mc!" growled the dentist. "Not only did he refuse to pay mc, but he actually had the effrontery to gnash at me—with my own teeth!" DISTINCTLY DOWN. Scene: The Gate of the Other World. St. Peter: "What name?" The Poor Ghost: "Timothy Sullivan, sir." St. P.: "Where from?" P.G.: "New York, sir." St. P.: "Trade or calling?" P.G.: "Trust magnate." St. P.: "Step into the elevator." * Mr. Sullivan's ghost stepped into the elevator, and after a pause asked timidly. "If you please, sir, what time does this elevator go up?" St. P.: "It does not go up."

Love makes the world go roma w ' it intoxicates a fellow. b * e »»» A Stafford teacher aikadW some long sentences. si? 0,,, * "Imprisonment for lifei" ™v *N<it "The motto of our nartr t> «h_l rascals out!' » *■ tfc "Well, I guess your ptrty lv out more rascals than any other? Clerk": Mrs. Jones comply tW v_ photographs don't look UkYw ■ *■ Photographer: Complain,. <bto be grateful. *-*a*i Sba njfc Wife: You're a different m>. *- first husband: uuler « n * m»e to Husband: Yes, I «,, thtnk ■onfc.S Im alive; he's dead. ""**!• _"Do you know what I tUakf Goslm to Gazzam. T r *M "No," replied Gazam, 'Tratlto.minutes to spare. Tell mc all." • " * Minister: My dear litUe fcr .L don't you get an umbrella? "S Jakey: Since pa has stopped-fa,«. church he never bring* horns J? 8, i umbrellas. *v "HI ; Wigwag: I never knew «qehYuu_ as Jones! He »' alway. bokb. j! trouble. .- "» Henpecked: Then why don't k. _* married? • ■".•• Gyer-"There goes th» *w u^. detective." -«^.m*| Slyer—"What made bint fuM,* Gyer—"He once ducorotTSTlL* of a comic opera." ■ . ™ Tommy: We's going to nan mob. Sammy: How do you know? ' Tommy: How do I kanrt DMrfte mother lemme" break » wiacWr tfbth* Z and didn't say nothin'l' " Young man (to servant): It ]|] M engaged? Servant: Hivin rist yonr wk j she is. She's in the parlom aov wU» young man's arm round, her milt! "Don't chide mc for cunfei 1 *L volver. This little gun mnoor Mi once." "How exciting! Tell mc tfcoet ft* "I was starring, and X;P»Ww4jt». "Halloa, James, what an cnoracv cigar you are smoking! It m«4 be 1 foot long!" "Over a foot. I have thig kind speaiDj made for mc. My doctor has orimim to smoke only one .cigar a day,'ii4;T ways do as he tells mc."

"My boy, if c better to be in as <m pany than in bad company.?', " Yes, sir, I know it Good mono* , NO .NEWS. A country correspondent for • I» tucky (U.S.A.) newspaper' ow* Smi himself in. the mountains oi -tint Si* looking for Hems o£ interest to fcii ji» Dal. "There ain't a bit of newe, 5, wil* farmer. "All dovrn this iraj «c Uβ busy with their crops to thiafcajej , thing else." "Mne crops this y«ar, eb," ailni it correspondent. "Couldn't be bettor," a«erW * farmer. "I oughter 'be in my fidi #t now, an , I wouW be only- I atair j> tonvn to see the Coroner." "The Coronerf "Yes; he's wanted to bold an iaqwit on a couple of fellers in onr plac*,* "Accident!" . "I reckon not! Ban- Morgan tiA doin.' nuthin' like that toy accident! Hi shot Jim Jeffords an' lv» : brother;!■ witih two ehotst Got to have a » quest, tihough." "Wiat led to .lie fight j" "There want no fight. Su HV gives the other fellers any chMNt » make it a fight. Jes iiid lihind « tn» an' give it to 'em ac they came jJifflj* , .' "Has ißan 'been arrested V, ; "No. What'e the use? Semi o-ft , .Teflfords' people come along horned do* Ban's house shot him an , his •wift ) <tf set fire to his barn. . No; Ran ain't ip arrested. But I ain't got thetiin*-* stand heah talkin' to you. -Get 'to;|S ba«k to my harvestin,' Bat tlwre lip any news down our way. E£ esywl happens, ni let you know. , -" :

" Say, darling, say, when I'm far away, Sometimes you may think of mc, dear; Bright sunny days wfll soon fade away, , Remember jrhat I say, and be true, dear." \