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MERRIER MOMENTS.

1} Many men who believe in a spirit world ■cote; the prohibition tibketi;- \ '•' j The unmarried man is l>ored every- j where; the married man is bored only at | home. . . :..... : . ':- , ~'.:. Hewitt: She said that she was glad to ; know mc. ■■;. '' . .:. ■~: . : - : : '. '. .:,< Jewett: That shows that she didn't. Guest: Waiter, boil my eggs four minutes.... '.. ~ • .'• : ..'■ V .-■■■ ...-.■ •.■ Waiter: Yes, eirj'be ready in half a second, sir. t>. ~ ' "I presume you iave .-■ a family tree, Joe," observed his friend. ; . "Sure," answered Joe'MUler. "It?s a chestnut." , : . ,-.v. ;' ; "London Bridge is breaking down,"The children sing with glee. But when I went to London Town, The London "bridge", broke mc. "My wife has that awfuldisease kleptoniania."—"ls she trying tb-cure 'iti"— "Well, she is taking. something all the while." .- :-: : ' "So this is your famous Eembrandt, eh? Very fine,, but I see it is signed ' Rachel. , "—"Dot is on account of mem creditore. iEJveryding roe in mem wife's name." • ■' ;-, Customer: It must be a frightful experience to run over anyone.- , Salesman: But not with our car. Wβ ■fit it with the best shock absorber on the market. '' ;- ' And so I says, "Danny, keep cheerful. Don't worry about yer troubles six months or a year in advance, ! boy.' A great many times thim kind o , troubles when they do come don't;happen'at a 11.".:■ > Teacher: Johnny Jones, you will stay after school an hour and study your lesson. . ' Johnny Jones: Are you going to stay wrj;h mc? ' ' Yes. ' '■ ■' " ■ ■ ■■-.:' Then I'd like to know if you are punishing mc or I am punishing you. Thought They Were Working.—The master of a large factory met three ot his men walking along the yard, and asked whither they were going. First Man:' "Please, sir, we're taking this 'ere plank to the sawmill." Master: '<What plank?" .First Man? "Why,' bless mc, Bil£ if we ain't been . and ; forgot the plapk!"' "". Morally seethe wireless 'phone is a failure," Kb eai4-'- 1 -",l'm of Ijt," replied, his wife."' "Just think of <-he remarks you make when Central irritates you, and these floating around in space for any amateur to pick up." ' Something Lacking.— The Doctor: "You've never -met Colonel floodgate ? You would like- him. - He's a perfect gentleman." The Professor: "A perfect gentleman?- How , "can he-be? You have told ; me.■ yptireelf ; that I you removed his vermiform appendix." ;-■ ' . It Might Have Been Student: "What did you operation that man for?" : Eminent Surgeon: pounds." "Medical Student: "I..mean what did he have , ?" Eminent Surgeon: "Fifty pouade." ■ v • - :■■:. PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY. Maude—i>o tell-me,; Alice, did Charley go. down on bis knees to you when he proposed? . ■ . . • ~ r Alice—-Nonsense! '' Why, liow could he have gone 'down on his knees to Why, I—welli whero do; you "suppose. I was,, anyway? ' . . ' ' .:,' . SmVJSED . Thou shalt .noj; lie, unless thou art a diplomat. ,'..."-. . '.. . Thou shalt not .betray, unless thou art a &py or a detective. .. ' Thou shall not•kill,,.unless" thou art a soldier or a sailor or an execution^ Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's land, unlese thou art ,y"': BEATHIM.Y ■■''•'' ~ / Guzzle (after he had succeeded in waking.his wife)— Open the dorsh! . : Mrs. Guzzle (head out of the secondstorey you: sober? Guzzle—Yesh. -..- : - -. - , - , ■ Mrs. Guzzle—Then say "reciprocity." . "'.' an obstinate: juror. ;"! ■ Said the Judge: The jury are a long time considering their verdict,, pprhaps a cup of tea would help them. - • : > : : So the usher, calling from without, said: --':;.•■...' ■-.- ■-;■■■_ -.■;: '//' "Shall I order twelve teas ?" . , "No," came the gruff voice, of the foreman; "make it eleven, and a bundle of i&flj'-r.; .' . r> . ■'■'- ■.' '■ ; /;.'• THEIR FLAG. ' ...' the Majestic was steaming slowly the Mersey oii Her return trip to Liverpool she passed by a' grimy-look-ing collier lying to. One of the biKcers. was looking over the side, and, after peering- wonderingly at the -collier, hailed it thus:' "Ahoy, there! What the dickens are you flying the black flag for?" And- the ocean nionster seemed to quiver with suppressed mirth as a'husky voice bawled in reply: "Better not ■ let our skipper hear you say that; that's his best shirt hanjrina out to dry." :

Boxing Instructor: By Jove, fci| nearly landed mc a nasty one- : t}jat'^S;-. "I -want another dqx of pllli liti't got for mother yesterday." '-,''■ "Did your mother say they were gbiifv " No—but"they just fit my air-gaii.» Edith: 'Well, I shouldn't care to Ufc your shoes." Madge: "No, they would pinckj Jei wouldn't they?" • '.' ™ "What are you doing in that' cni board, Bertie?" ; "■ "Hush!" said Bertie, digging ft ipom into a japi-pot, "I'm pretending'toWiv thief." ' ••' '• ./._.. '..' ; ■ •■.■■ '~.. Bessie: "Are you fascinated by yi fiance?" . :■• Tessie: "Fascinated! .You ought" Ji "see the cute way he kisses mc under wj chin." - ..:'.., ■ • . ... ■ ■~ ■■■ ~:j ■■ • . -Bessie: "Yes, it is cute: I tauihtUβ that." , ■ -• ?/? A pcot-ch farmer hired a new do odd. jobs,- hjs regular, hours Offdjtif being front: 4 ;ajn. to ,1 p.m. . fourth moTning the youth: , did not ton up till 4.15,;. and was niet .by; hisViafc;: employer's "Whaur thedeevil 3a!-'j|: been, a' the forenoon , ?" • • j ; From the wilds of the woolly Weet; fj I want my room again. I paid tiro ijtft ; lings for it last night." - • "Waall I guess that room's let; ; JSi only vacant one we ha-ave,- ie fonr-ai six."' ■;.'•■. ... ;.-.■;. ■■-.•:_'.::. '-'-■''■'■>'-■ "That makes no difference/; uid tkl impending guest, "I have no money." - - ■-..-. ■ AT LAST. - Diogenes, lantern in* iband," "eiiteVtiiHM.. village drug-store.- "Say; have , you«* thing that will cure a cold? "• ■'•■'! "No, sir, I have not," ' answer**"ttl-j pill-compiler. ' ' 'Give mc your handj" exclaimed JHojt nes, dropping hi lantern. °I have at lift found an honest njan." A DISAPPOINTED JURY. A Missouri.man recently was tried on* charge k of assault. The; ? ' S*Ute" brflß||tt into court is the yeajk>ne v iiße4 a r»il,|i' oxie, a ,pai.T,: of -tongs,' a . j»w; and ■ The defendant's counsel? exhibited' ai tit other man's weapons a'scythe hltdt, * pitchfork, a pistol,-and a hoe.j Jbtjurfi' verdict is skid to have That we the jury -would have; jtrea■-"■«#■■ dollar to see the fight.' - "" V \ *.■ ; - ■-■• A PROTEST; ■'"'■--' Papa was about to apply the (trip* '' "Father," said Willie, firmly, "uniNr that instrument has. been properly j.tlii?} lised, I desire to protept,'* ' .This g>vi."||i: old man pause. ".Mqree>ve']r/?/ r *e6nsflij|l.; Willje, " the germs that might to rek|i|ji' ■by the violent impact of leather upon » porous textile fabric, but lately, expo({d to the dust of the streets, ■w.puld'wSjpti' to affect you .deleieriousiy." ' •, ■ ' As the strap,fell from a nerrous httf, Willie sloped. . ■ t .HIS ONLY CHANCE, The Sergeant-InatniqtW. w»e irate. Be had been aIV day; »4.|||(JS] endeavouring to get his obmpany class firing, and there wae one ypMJ, fellow who was. juch a poor ehottiiillji would , have .been Unable to hit »'Mf;. stack, Be attempted to and failed. Ue misised at 700, Wjlif J and even 200 yards' range. .Taking Vs^ : up Within 100 of inistructor inquired if hei thought eoWf. Ijit it; The man blazed away'Jroi; %&■■■. miniously failed. ."Ex :bayoaet;M(f; cliarge," yelled the Sergeant,' .^.ltt; J^> 'only chance!" SUGOESTTVE. The old settler sat in hie cahiij,'Tr)»l» the hand of woman had . niyer !*?» known, and- dirt ;Tesgned . triwtfflSjftil: The conversation. turned upon cooldil^S| "Yaas," di'ainled the old man, "I I** one 6' them there cook bobke ,irilWi> •biitl never could do nothin , with it-" "What was the difficulty ?". asked <)» visitor from civilisation persuMively. . "Why, every one. of thiem rechie thajl starts off with* Take a clean dish." ■';: ' , ■ PLENTY ROOM. There was a clergyman who/.4/%; 'Mi tad been preaching for an ■ ho&i (H*I**1 ** when everyone wae tired, went oil to'#:' "I'll now glance for a few Msg?' v pTOphefe. There are the ,major,prop^» ; ; and the. minor prophets, and there * Jeremiah. Xoir, what place shall Je* •niiah have?" ~ A Voice from tfie Back .of Oβ Church: "Oh, Jereroiah can have a/ , place—l'm going horae." r Tom and Harry do not speak ? no*/| ..■

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MERRIER MOMENTS. Auckland Star, Volume XL, Issue 0, 17 April 1909

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