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MERRIER MOMENTS.

"Is he one of those men who suffer in silence?" "No; he's married."

Amateur: "Are there any fish to be caught here?" Professional: "Xoa; you kotched 'em all last time you wuz here." "Aand when," said Mrs Nuroreesh, "those French pheasants came by singing the Mayonaise, it was too deeply touching for words." Ethel: "We've been married three months to-day, Charlie." Charlie: "Great Scott! Is that all?" Mrs Yeasthead: "Will you love mc just as much, darling, when I am eld? ,, Mr Yeasthead: "More, Jemima; you ■won't be so silly then." Lady: "The last fish I had from you didn't seem very fresh." Fishmonger: "Well, mum, how can you expect fresh fish from salt water?" Gentleman (getting into the carriage) —"That tooth must com? out to-day under any circumstances. Drive mc to the nearest dentist—but go slowly." Jim (regarding damage done to church by fire): "Good job it wasn't a factory, Bill." Bill: "You're right mate. Only one man put out of work, and he draws his money." Visitor: "I hear you have been very ill, Nettie. Did you suffer much?" Nettie (aged five): "Yes, ma'am; I enjoyed an awful lot of pain!" Teacher: "Johnny, can you describe the spinal column?" Johnny: "Yes, teacher. It is a long bone extending up a-nd down through the body. Your head rests on one end. and you rest on the other." Farmer (with wife and children):' "How much for tickets for the young 'uns?" Railway Clerk: "Between 5 and 12 half-fare." Farmer: "Oh, bother it Mary! We'll have to wait till to-mor-row; it's half-past twelve now!" Reggy Sapp: "Ah, I am wrapped in my own dead thoughts." Miss Tobasco: "Gracious, Reggy, aren't you afraid you will catch cold?" "Was the picture you just sold a genuine work of art?" "No." answered the dealer, "but the story I told about it was." "Could you do the landlord in 'The Lady of Lyons?!" asked the manager of a seedy actor, "'Well, I should think I might; I have done a good many landlords in my time."

Miranda (sobbing): "It is better in every way that we should part, dear Orlando." Orlando (in a choked voice): "Only in one way, dearest." Miranda: "Yes, beloved." Orlando (overcome with emotion): "It is cheaper, darling."

Teacher (at object leeson): "So now, children, you know how a knife is made. I want you, Marjorie, to tell mc what is the most important part of a knife," Marjorie: "Eγ—er —er " Teacher: "Well, I'll help you. What part of his knife does your father use the most?" Marjorie: "The corkscrew."

"Pa, what is Volapuk?" "It's a language for all to speak, my son." "Who speaks it?" "No one."

"I presume," said the lodger, icily, at the conclusion of the little dispute with his landlady.. "I presume that you will allow mc to take my belongings away with mc?" "I am sorry," was the icy reply, "but your other collar has not yet come home from the laundry." UNBOUNDED ZEAL. "Is Constable Smith zealous? " said the inspector of police. " Why, I tell you, that man is so zealous that he hates to go out into the streets. It makes him a-bsolutely heartsick to see so many people not in prison." ( A GENTLE SCRUB. "S-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby through the suds as his mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' mc. don't you?" "Why. no. Bobby., dear," replied his mother. "What ever put such an idea as that into your mind?" "Oh, nothin"," said Bobby. "Only it seems to mc you're tryin to rub mc out." BUSINESS BAD. "For Heaven's sake, Excellency, give mc a little more time before putting the bailiffs in." "Are you ready to pay something on account?" "Alas! Excellency, I have nothing—nothing at all." "It's clear to mc you have not made the least effort to pay." "Ah, signor! Twenty times, at least, I have hidden at the side of the road with my j gun, but not a living soul passed." I

Fastboy: "Really, dear, you shouldnv for mc this way when I'm detained at the office.' - gg Mrs. Fastboy : " Supper, you iaiot 1 The maid just laid the table for bmfe. fast."

BELLOWDRAMA. A melodrama of the most stirring isJaj was being played in a theatre in a aniall town. In one of the critical scenes thi hero suddenly became aware of the fact that he had come upon the stage mmm his dagger. Without a moment's he»t>' tation he made a dash at the traitor "Die, villain!" he exclaimed. "I meahi to strike thee with my dagger, but I left the weapon in my dreesing-rook and -will therefore strangle three in ttf< presence of this indulgent audience!" i TOMMY'S PRECAUTION. Among all the horrors of \rar, Jnj. morons situations often occur. Iff English army surgeon in South Afrit* tells an amusing story, saye the "BanHah Illustrnted Magazine," of an English woman of high rank who was engrosMi by the charms of amateur nursing. Cfoj morning, on approaching the cot of a soldier to whom sho had given especial attention, she found him with his eye« tightly closed, and a piece of paper pin. Ned on the sheet, on which was writteii "Too ill to be nursed to-day. Bespeet. fully, J. L." ■ THE RULING PASSION. "Your husband is in a very serious condition," sympathetically said the attending physician, addressing the aufr : tioneer's anxious wife. "His pulse i» now going at one hundred and four." j ' '"Going at one hundred and foufl" feebly cried the invalid. "At one'hundred and four. Going at one hundred 1 and four! Who'll make it one hundred and five? One hundred and five, do 1 hear, for a pulse that has been runningsteadily for forty-seven years, and htt never once stopped? One hundred ani five will you give mc? Wlo'll make U one hundred and fire?"

THE LOVERS' PROGRESS.

"Do you love mc?" ' p, "Oh, I love you so much!" "How much do you love mc?" '"Oh, I love you so much that I can't tell you how much I do love you." "Do you really love mc as much ai that?" "Oh, yes." "Don't you love mc any more thia that?" "Oh, yes, I do. I love you so mu<i that I can't even tell you how little it is that I can't tell you how much. I lovi you. And do you love mc?" "Oh, yes, co much." "How much do you love tn»?" "I love yon just as much as you hit* said you couldn't tell mc how much yoa love mc." 'SDon't you love mc any more that that?" "Oh, yes. I love you as much as I can't tell you how much you couldn't tell mc. Do you love mc ac mu<;h ai that?" "Oh, yes. I love you more than thai: I love you so much that if what both o! us cannot tell the other how much- w«" love should be put together, I would still love you so much more than tjhir that I couldn't begin to tell you h6W much more I couldn't tell you. Obi pleaee, say you love mc more thaa this!"

"I do; I do! I love you so nro<& more that" .!

(Owing to a lack of unlimited space tSi remainder of this interesting convers* tion is indefinitely postponed.) CROWDED JOYS. He made his "pile' , very quickly, *nl chiefly by "plunging." Not long ago he visited the little town where he WM born and brought up. He was in too much of a hurry to stay long. In point of fact, his stay lasted five hours. The newspaper the next day came ant with this brief table of his activities while in his home town. It is significant and doubtless characteristic. Called on his old mother. Got shaved by the town barber, an! gave him a ten-dollar gold piece. Threw showers of quarters and h&lr dollars to the street boys. Was run home by a curious crowd. Bought a stock-farm for twenty-five thousand dollars, and gave it to an old friend. Visited the Home for Boys which h« founded when he first made his mofisy. Yelled at the son of a friend to come. and go to Europe with him, and took . him along. 1 Left for the coast at midnight witK. his wife and eon, after one of the great-: est days of his life.

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MERRIER MOMENTS. Auckland Star, Volume XL, Issue 80, 3 April 1909

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