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WISE AND OTHERWISE., Auckland Star, Volume XL, Issue 77, 31 March 1909
WISE AND OTHERWISE.
We are assured on most excellent authority that he who lives best prays best, and only those of very irreverent mind 3 will read this to mean that the orisons of a bon vivant are more acceptable than those of a follower of the simple life. It seems that here in Auckland we have at lea-st one simple liver, for amongst the advertised "wanteds" appears the following— _ "Gentleman requires light airy bed; or •bed-sitting room. Meals not necessary." This fortunate person must surely have arrived at the irreducible minimum in personal expenditure, but it is sheer waste of money to advertise for a little thing like that; for a light airy bed, where meals are not necessary, what is the matter with the "benches in the park"! It is a pity that some of oar leaders of light and learning do not deliver an authoritative pronouncement upon the question whether such worde as "Government," "congregation," and so on, should be regarded as in the singular or plural number. In one cabled message, referring to the receipt of New Zsaland's offer of a battleship, appears the expression, '"His Majesty's Government have received," etc., aria a little lower down "His Majesty's Government desires," etc. If Lord Elgin trips it will not do to be severe upon a local writer, but in another column I read, "The Government 'have' done wrong in making 'their , offer," etc Surely those "words in inverted commas should have been "has" and "its," or such parts of speech as collective nouns are obsolete. It seems a very simple matter to be so long in doubt, and there must certainly be a right and a wrong way out. A sentence which gave rise to some discussion appeared in a book entitled "The King's English," and one reviewer went so iar as to declare it extremely clumsy English, if not absolutely grammatically wrong, and yet a little consideration, will prove it absolutely correct. It runs, "Xo one but schoolmasters and schoolboys knows/ etc. Here is an astounding piece of intelligence for which the "News in Brief" column is responsible: "A hundred tons of cats' tails were recently sold in London. They are to be used in the ornamentation, of ladies' attire." It is surely time for the S.P.C.A. to intervene, for if we estimate the weight of those caudel appendages at four ounces ■each.— a liberal average—it is obvious that no less than eight hundred and ninety-six thousand innocent pussies have been abbreviated. There seems to be a distinct advantage in being born in the Isle of (Man, and I can imagine the complacent way in which a Manx cat will offer its thanksgiving— I thank the goodness and the grace, Which on my birth have smiled; And left mc with a smiling face, While Cheshire cats are wild. The fashions pass mc by, and hence, I owe my parents thanks; That they took up their residence, And brought mc up in Manx. P.S.—lt has just occurred to mc that the dismembered tabbies will pro'baibly foe re-tailed as rabbits —this is a world of compensations. The actress-evangelist, Miss Ada Ward, opens her campaign under the auspices of the Salvation Army, in Invercargill, on the nineteenth of next month, for a seaeon of three nights only. This militant and estimable body is rather remarkable for the spectacular methods and theatrical displays which it employs; but so long as the end achieved is good, what matter the means? Long after we are all forgotten people will be found arguing as to whether or not, provided the end sought be good, any means are justifiable; but the fact that Miss Ward announces that she will return shortly to the stage—to be known, I presume, as the " evangelistactress"—seems to argue that the god lady is coming to the end of her means. I In these days, hardened as man is by Corellian castigations, it comes as a soothing balm to find a woman writing pleasantly and even hopefully of, us poor worms. " Vegetarians," we are. assured, " make the best husbands," and this upon j the authority of the authoress oi a book entitled "Modem Marriage, jmd How to Bear 'it," As if we did not, all of us, know that it Is only spinster aunts and grumpy bachelor.} who profess that tbey «n't bear it! A friend Of the Writer, who bag R vegetarian husband, assures her that he "would cheerfully teeokJa#*
a datejarui qup'on :'""j it speaks _• for th«-wife's'cooldng, and promisee good " business for the restaurant. If, however the story be true, the lady veracious, and a man-who wants so little here helow nave really been found, she is simply '' Papering Mm,, pandering in fact to his' " gross appetites. A.man like.that should. ' be able to obtain all requisite nourish-^> meat irom a severe slap across the er—. i chest with-a wet towel;'ail the same =ha bad better not sell the baby's feedinebottle,yet, the " old man", might want it, '.i "One hears the phrase 'living in a fool's - paradise/ repeated upor. all hands, but I doubt whether it is generally recognised how thm is the ice on which we stand.' . So writes a sage in a contemporary.'and 1 Iyenture to submit, that while the phrase ;V "repeated upon all hands" is suggestive of an asylum for the deaf and dumb, tha context is so supremely silly as to qualify : the whole sentence for admission to aa ':'-■■ asylum of another kind. "■'<■■: I hare heard of Para robber ) 1 have heard of Para-disc; ' vsi But cannot draw a parall(h)elfl) •;-.&■ With anything like ice. To disentangle metaphor— If on thin ice we stand; ">■ ■'■■■''* The water must be precious coM. Betwixt us and the laud. », ; . But If we wate from dreams, to flu*'' -"* Our Paradise }a aot- • We are-lite to land in water Most uncomfortably hot: Some weeks ago, in this column, I corrected a misquotation, which appearedE : elsewhere, of Longfellow's translation ot some v«rses, or epigi-ams, in couplet fonni hy rrkdrich yon Logau. A perusal of thJT • ecclesiastical notices advertised in. Saturn - day's "Star," while reminding mc o| / Aesop's fable of the bundle of sticks, als* ' brought to memory another couplet front; the German poatj to which, with all dei''..- : ; ference, I have dared to-append a post* 1 script — "Lutheran, Popish, Calvlnistic, .all these 4 creeds'and doctrines three, ■!.:■■■■ ExUnt are; but still the doubt is, where-, Christianity may be." (P.S.) "Now that these have multiplied, : c'en to seventy times seven, , y K Much, I wonder, ate we really nearer to our God and Heaven! Some motherly, or grandmotherly, 014. person has been writing to the papers and under the base pretext of tenderinggood advice to girls, has given awajv many oi their innocent secrets. A Ionj; : and co.mprehensive accusation, which I treat vrith scornful silence, gave to-Bay; that plate-glass windows, hotel mirrors,' and powder-puffs are made particeps criminus with the dear girls, concludes t with, the solemn warning, "The police world does not approve of powdered or any sort of artiiicial girls, and if, IB •'■ defiance of good form, you insist upoa being one, you are regarded by society; as beyond the pale,?' so I suppose nothing is left to the ■: poor girl but to'"kick the bucket." Now, I have been told that % if one sees a girl wearing dark-coloured kid gloves (Suede won't do!) make a tight knuckle; —of the index finger, where sphincter and phalange -meet-M-hW daintily -wet the glossy protuberance with the tip of her tongue; she is making a miniature mirror. Perish the thought! I ; have also been told that a girl standing : UpoiL-Qne foot-Js ing; she is probably polishing a patenv' ,: leather toe-cap.- To(e)tally absurd! Ttin invitation of Vivien to Merlin, to "Then trust mc all in all; or not at all!" hat always appealed very strongly to me| especially the last part of it.
WISE AND OTHERWISE., Auckland Star, Volume XL, Issue 77, 31 March 1909
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