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MERRIER MOMENTS.

Benham: We have got to economise. Mrs. Benham: Couldn't you cut down the number of your affinities, dear?

Cabby, to 'bus conductor, during a real 1 London fog: Well, there's one good abaht this 'ere weather, Chawlie, the flies I don't bother yer. Guest: " Bring mc a steak. I was here yesterday. 1 suppose you remember mci" | Waiter: "Yes, sir; will you have the same to-day?" Guest: "Yes, if nobody is using it." Oh! gentle reader, be it far From us your perfect peace to mar, But this is Dutch for motor-car: "Suelpaardezloonderspoorwegpetoolyting." " How nicely you have ironed these things, Jane," said tbe mistress adroir-1 ingly to her maid. Then glancing at the glossy linen, she continued in a tone of surprise, " Oh, I see, but they are all your own." " Yes'ra," replied Jane, " and I'd do all j yours first like tbat if I had time." She (sighing): Oh, I met such a lovely, polite man to-day. He: What was that' | She: In the street. I must have been carrying my umbrella carelessly, for he I bumped his eye into it. I said " Pardon mc," nnd he said, "Don't mention it; 1 have another eye left." A bashful young man could defer the momentous question no longer, so he stammered: "Martha—l—do—do _you— you must have—are you aware that the fJood Book says—cr —that it is not—g— good that a m—man should be alone?" "Then, hadn't you better '.-un home to your mother?" coolly suggested Martha. A gentleman unexpectedly brought home a friend to stay the night with him. K-fore retiring the friend was sitting on the stairs taking off his boots, when he felt a violent blow on the side of his head, and his hostess' voice was heard behind him, demanding, "What do you mean by bringing that old bore home without asking mc?" A coster whose banns had been cried twice asked the clergyman to change the name for the third time, as he bad seen i young lady he liked better. "You will have to stop the old banns and have the I I new ones called three times," the clergy- I man told him. "What, and pay another shilling?" "Yes." "Well, then, let it, stay as it is." I ! In a general intelligence paper a lad was asked to give a few particulars about j I Achilles, Nelson, Tennyson, and Cecil | Rhodes. Two of his answers are quite good. " Aichilles," he wrote, " was a I Greek. When be was a baby his mother I dipped him in the river Stinks to make him intolerable, which he was. Editor: "Is this your first effort?" Budding poet: "Yes, sir. Is it worth anything to you? " Editor (with emotion): "It's worth a suinea if you'll promise not to write any : more for publication until after this has been printed." Budding Poet: "I promise that, all right. When will it be printed ?"' Editor: "Never, while I'm alive." HOW TO LAND HIM IN A WEEK. Monday—Be pretty. Smile once. Tuesday—Be prettier. Frown at him. Wednesday—Be pensive. Sigh once. Thursday—Confess your regard for him. Friday—Laugh at him. Saturday —" Be out." Sunday—Name the day! THOSE FICKLE MEN! Howard: Do you think most men marry " the only girl they ever loved"? Vjowaru: r*o, fortunately, or they'd all be in gaol for polygamy. APT SIMILES. Poetry is the flower of literature, prose the corn, potatoes and meat. Satire is the aquafortis, wit the spice and pepper. Love letters are the honey and sugar, and letters containing remittances apple dumplings. DETECTED. " Mebbe you'd like to put a piece about mc in yer paper." quavered the old man, hobbling up to the city editor's desk. " What have you done ? " demanded the arbiter of publicity's destiny. " Nothin' much, but I was a hundred year old yesterday." "A hundred, eh? But can you walk without a stick, and read fine print without, glasses? " " N—no." "You are an impostor!" The old man broke down and confessed that he was only ninety-seven. A WITNESS SCORES. An old plasterer is called upon to give give evidence for the plaintiff. Counsel for tbe defendant tries to bully him. " Have you ever been in prison? " " Yes, twice." "Ah! how long the first time?" " One whole afternoon." "What! And the second time?" " Only one hour." " And pray, what offence had you committed to deserve so small a punishIment?" "I was sent to prison to whitewash a cell to accommodate a lawyer who had cheated one of his clients."

KNEW FROM OBSERVATION ', Teacher of elementary chemistry- Phi, aren which part of the human bafrjgg have an awful effec t W '°J Children (in chorus): The legs;' -.-

PLACING THE STOMACH.

Charlie was a bright boy, with a good memory. He was the prize pupil m gen. , graphy and physiology, and.iya.en thY school had any visitors the teacher liked I to show him off. One da v a member of the school committee happened in as the class was reciting geography, and asked » few questions and received fairly, accurate \ answers. When he expressed a desire 4o switch off to physiology, however,'th's J teacher thought "it was abqiit time.to • show him something particularly precocious. - ~~~ So when he asked !' Where is the atomach located?" she called on Charlie to > answer. He did so with ready assurance: " ; : . "The stomach," he said, "is situates just south of the lungs in a hole in t_j •■ diagram," { HAD HIM. An English country magistrate v?as; j once asked by a man to buy a pheasant, " What is the price ?" asked ths magi* j trate. j " Three and six, sir," said the seller. I "I will buy it," said the magistrate. After the sale he asked the man -to show his license to sell game, telling hhn | he was a magistra±_an(_shjßnld have him prosecuted if he hadn't one. The licens« was promptly shown. I " Very good," said the magistrate. "Now you- can have tha bird- hack-for half a crown-, as I only bought it to. test you." "Agreed!" said the man, and the bird was again transferred. " Now, show your license to sell game," said the last buyer, "or I will inform the Excise." Ultimately the magistrate, seeing }ie was done, gave the man a sovereign to keep the matter quiet.

He: ,r Why in the world are you wear l ; | ing those rubber overshoes?" ''■'. 9 She: "Sh! I'm disguised as a duck.".- ; 1 - J ■ ) WHERE SIT THE MIGHTY. J | The kindly old gentleman who lov« I children was walking through Centnl.Park and stopped to watch a group of youngsters at play. He stood for som«" time unnoticed by them, and then at last sank upon a near-by bench to continM his observations. It was at that moment| that one of the little ones, catching his eye, burst into tears. " "Get up off'nthat there bench!" wailed ~ the youngster. " Oh, my lad," protested the old genttoman, retaining his position; "don't JO" know that that is no way to address yohr j elders?" ■■-"•'

But the youngster brandished -his fist* threateningly and violence gleamed from his blazing eyes. " You get un right away," he cried, "or you'll be sorry fer it!" " But. my boy," mildly protested _W shocked old gentleman, sitting tightj ' : you should at least ask mc politely, ami give mc a reason for your request, "Reason?" repeated the now blubbering child. "If you don't know the reason yet, you will in a second; youJre sitting on my pie!" .--,'.

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MERRIER MOMENTS. Auckland Star, Volume XL, Issue 74, 27 March 1909

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