MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXIX, Issue 237, 3 October 1908, Page 12

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Belle: "Yes, I am single entirely from choice." Pearl: "Whose choice?" Jack: "You should get your temper insured." Tom.: "Why?" Jack: "It's so fiery." Mrs. Henpeck: "You were talking in your sleep last night, Henry." Mr. Henpeck: "1 beg your pardon, my dear, for having interrupted you." Teacher: "I would like someone in the class to define the meaning of vice versa." Bright Boy: "It's sleeping with your feet towards the head of the bed." "To what do you attribute your success as a ruler?" After a moment's thought, the South American President replied: "Largely to bad marksmanship." Wife (excitedly) : "I you go on like this I shall certainly lose my temper." Husband (calmly) : "No danger, my dear. A thing of that size is not easily lest." Mrs. Bunkerhill: "Have you read Scott's novels?"' Miss Laker: "Al*, but his 'Emulsion.' I have seen it advertised. But I have never been able to get a copy." Mistress: "Your cold is very bad, •Taue. Are you doing anything for it?" Jane: "Oh, yes, mum. The chemist 'aye giv' mc some cremoniated stincture of Queen Anne." "What would you say," said the prophet of woe, "if I were to tell you that in a short space of time all the rivers •n this country would dry up?" "I would say," said the patient man, " 'Go thou and do likewise.' " Teacher (to examiner): "You notice thai, boy who stands at the foot of the class? Well, last summer he was the smartest boy in the school." Examiner: "He is now. 1 notice the foot of the class is nearest the fire/" Parson (discovering odd-job man working at the chapel) : "Why, Giles, I was not aware that you cut the grass for the dissenters, too?" Giles: "Well, your reverence, I does sometime:!, but 1 don't use the same scythe." "Well, how do you think you will get en?" said the sergeant to a recruit in the police force who had been told off for night duty. "Oh, I'll be all light," lie said. "My mothers coming round »\ith mc for the first night or two," School Inspector: "And now, what can you tell mc of the Spanish Armada?" Tommy the Learned : "Please, sir, Sir Francis Drake was having a game of marbles on the village green when he suddenly saw the Armada advancing through his microscope." THE LITTLE STRANGER. A learned professor married a wife who, in course of time, presented him with eighteen children. One evening he found in the street in which he lived a little boy of five or six, weeping bitterly. "What is the matter with the little man. eh?" enquired the professor, caressing him. "I have lost my way," sobbed the youngster. "Then come home with mc and I'll give you something to eat and take care of you." j Accordingly he took the little fellow j home and said to his wife, "See, wife, I have brought you this child that I found all alone in the street. One more or less won't make much difference-; we will treat him as if he were our own." "Why, you stupid! Don't you know him? It's our little Georgie."'"

"Yes," said the youne sf,ui«.» thoughtfully, "when I JuSLSfJ a subject I never stop untiU wj? oraced it thoroughly." "That's S was the. hesitating reply. «Do-d 0 S tt think I m an interesting subject!" "I presume," said the lodger icily at the conclusion of the little dispute with nis landlady, "I presume that you jriS allow mc to take my belonginjrs : .»«* with mc?" "I am sorry" wasthe i» reply, " but your other collar has not yet come home from the laundry.'' Visitor: "Well, Tommy, how are y M getting on at school?" Tommy: 'Mwfc rate, thank you. I'm not doing as well as some of the other boys, though. J*m oniy_ second in the batting average,' fourth in the bowling averages, first re. eerve in the football team, and My Jones can beat mc at tip-cat." A teacher in a big elementary school had given a lesson in an infants' dags on the Ten Commandments. In order to test their memories she asked7-"Catt. any little child give mc a Commandment with only four words in it!" A hand was raised immediately:. "Well!" said the teacher. "Keep off the grass," wai Hie reply. IMPORTANT. - s Teacher: "What is the total populatiot of the globe?" . •■••: Small Boy (promptly): One and OM> half billions." Litle Girl (raising her hand): "Pleaiß, ma'am, we have a new baby brother ia our house." ~ AN INTERRTJPTIOS. "7" J"^' His voice, as he stood at the d<wrj rose passionately on the still night air. 'Must one," he pleaded. "Just one," Then came the sound of an opening window, and another voice (her mother's)! was heard: "Just one!" it cried. ''No, it ain't quite that yet; but itfs close 09 12 o'clock, and so I think you'd .bettet be goin' just the same." A KEVISED VERSION. A poet who has been known to tell tha truth recounts this story of his litti* daughter. Her mother overheard her expounding the origin of the sex to her family ol dolls. "You see, children," she said* "Adßt was a man all alone and was very so God put him to sleep, took his brains out, and made a nice lady of them.*'' NO CORROBORATION. . ..'" Owner of Property (sternly): "Baft you see that notice, 'Trespassers will-be prosecuted'?" Tramp (calmly): "N0,.1 don't see it, for I can't read." (fwner of Property: "Well, you know what jt i» now, so go." "Hexcuse mc, mister, but I don't know what it is. I've only got ye're bare word for it, and you're feet stranger to mc. For what I know to the contrary, the notice may be 'New: milk sold 'erej' or 'Cherries tuppence a pound,' or 'Welkim, weary wanderer.'" CLUB STORIES. Two stories are told of the time when the members of the London Athenaeum Club, while their club-house was undergoing renovation, were hospitably taken in by the United Service Club. One wai a distinguished officer who, after a ¥am hunt for his umbrella, was heard to mutter: "That comes of letting those -=j» bishops into the club!" The counterblast is to the effect that when aa Athenaeum man, while his club was still the guest of the other, asked forth* ".ibrarian, the answer was: "Please, sir, he is iv the dining-room, carving Mi roast beef!"