RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXVIII, Issue 276, 27 November 1897, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

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Some" write to pleas^the. country clash, Forxne.anaiml^ever^ash^ >,v.

' I am almost persuaded that there is something in the Hindoo theory that astrological conditions affect terrestrial affairs, for it is, to say the least of it, very remarkable that the epidemics of fires, storms earthquakes, murders, and suicides with which we have been favoured occurred at a time when the planets were in -positions said to be peculiarly disturbing to the welfare ot thmgs mundane. Uranus, among astrolosists is supposed to be the cause ot great conflagrations when it is in con-junction with other planets. At the present time Uranus is m con■ranction with Mars, and Mars is in con-junction with the sun. The theory is that such a conjunction leads to startling events such as earthquakes, conflagrations, etc., while some of the students of astrology go so far as to say that such planetary conditions as those now existing- have something to do with the murder and suicide waves that at times seem to sweep over the country with startling rapidity. If it is so there is an opening for a new and startling defence in the trials for murder now proceeding.

There is no hiding the fact that ■something has gone wrong with this end of the colony. Instead of the usual spring weather we have had such a prolonged series of westerly busters that visitors might be pardoned for thinking that the equinoxtional gales lasted for eight weeks instead of fourteen days in this part of the world. The rapidity of the changes of temperature has latterly been equally astonishing. A man starts for work in the morning with a straw hat and light suit, but when he returns home at night he meets a cutting westerly squall that chills him to the bone. Next day he feels it still cold and puts on his winter clothes again, and most likely by dinner-time his collar and cuffs are limp in consequence of the temperature being not unlike that of a Turkish bath. The result is as the song puts it, 'E don't where 'c are." As if this state of affairs was not bad enough, when a man settles down on Saturday evening after his week's .work is over he gets a slight shock of earthquake added to his troubles and even when the Sabbath arrives there is no rest, for a second and more severe earth tremor hunts him out of bed at 8 a.m. and makes him think that this sublunary mundane sphere is not so reliable and steady-going as it used to be when he was a boy.

This last earthquake, though, not severe, was still sufficiently distinct to cause uneasiness in some quarters. One gentleman was seen going to church last Sunday who had not been .there for years. An astonished friend who met him had the temerity to ask him the reason. The man moodily replied, 'When the earth begins to tremble it sets a fellow thinking about what may happen next, and I thought perhaps under the circumstances it was just as well to go to church.' I am afraid if this was the general effect our clergy would be wishing for an earth, tremor every Sunday as a kind of counter poise to the bicycle. Unfortunately, however, this was not the general result, because in one church where an early service was being held the worshippers evidently were of opinion that outside was preferable under such circumstances, and many left hurriedly without waiting for the benediction. Some people have no taste to be found dead even in a church. Many opinions have been given as to the cause of these earth tremors, but Zamiel's idea is that most probably Andree's balloon has reached the North Pole, and if his anchor struck it no doubt the result would be to upset the balance a little and shake up the world. The unthinking may doubt the probability of this supposition, but no scientist will, because their guesses are usually as hard to prove true or false as this theory of the true cause of last Sunday's . shock. If any evidence were wanting we have it in the fact that a distinct bump could be felt as of one heavy object striking another. A slight blow at the Pole must necessarily have more effect than a much heavier one elsewhere. Anyhow, there is the theory, and those who do not believe it is correct must first disprove it by stating the exact whereabouts of the enterprising balloonist.

One of the applicants for the position of harbourmaster and pilpt at Waitara is a humorist in his own way. The reading of his application at a recent meeting raised an audible grin. In his list of accomplishments the applicant stated that he was a perfect book-keeper, a lightning tallylclerk, and an expert shorthand writer 'The Chairman,' he wrote, 'will always find me his ■ right hand man in case of a heated discussion, as 1 have had practical experience as a chucker-out; one wink, I am all there, and in future we will at least have order. The rendering of accounts, and especially the collecting, I have always look,ed upon as »»n Arab looks upon an oasis in the desert —to think about and sigh for. If there are many of those red-letter days, what a dream of pleasure will be my work! 'The duties of Collector of Customs come under the same heading-. As long as there is something to collect it seems to appeal to my better nature, and certainly if anything is neglected this will not. He described the different badges he would like for his different occupations, and as to religion he said 'he was not particular, and will follow the example of the chairman. I can also, if necessary, teach a Sunday class,

make a speech at a tea fight, or play ~ kiss-in-the-ring at a Sunday school picnic' 'In the event of my breaking my neck,' he concluded, 'it would be

better to do it in my own time, thus saving your honourable Board the anxiety and trouble of finding1 another harbourmaster at short notice.' The applicant, I regret to say, is still looking for a billet, notwithstanding his all-round qualifications.

Josh Billings once remarked that there were some people who were about as low down in the scale ot humanity as they could get without knocking- the bottom out. This censure applies to those local robbers who prowl about the Syinonds-street cemeteries and take flowers from craves. 'Zamiel' is very glad that the police have taken active steps to put a stop to these cruel thefts, and that there has been one conviction. The offender caught last Sunday was a boy, and the offence was probably one of pure thoughtlessness, but the police are in possession of information that o-rown up people also, are in the habit &of taking the flowers. Sergeant Clarke, when conducting the case in the ]ocal court, made a very good suggestion, and that is there should be a text in our national school books pointing out to children it is wrong to steal articles from graves. It is to be hoped the police will still prosecute their efforts to put this sacrilege down.

The Maori prophet who was cast into g-aol this week will find his occupation gone, at any rate for seven years, unless he should be allowed to try his veteran hand on the spirits in prison. His Honor Mr Justice Conoily is apparently opposed to prophets on general principles, judging from the sentence awarded to Mahuki, but probably there was poetic as well as Supreme Court justice in the punishment, for the raystic number seven seems to have been closely connected with the wild-eyed prophet of Te Ivuiti. His principal outbreaks took place every seven years; he had seven 'angels' in his latter days; he broke twice seven panes of glass when he went on the warpath at Te Kuiti last month, and it took seven men to 'run him in.' This being so, perhaps it was only right that he should get seven years to tide him over the interval which will elapse before he next runs 'amok.' The redoubtable apostle of 'Maoriland for the Maori people' seized on the opportunity of a crowded court to prophesy woe and destruction unto the people, but like the holy men of old the unthinking audience hearkened not unto his words, and the judge told him he was a dangerous man. Of a verity the modern prophet, like the ancient ones, has no honour in his own country, especially when he starts out to paint the town red.

A new version of the confidence trick has been played upon lady residents of the suburbs pretty extensively for some weeks past by a man who sells shelled peas very much under the market price. Most people indulge in lamb and green peas about this season of the year once in a while, and the thrifty housewife is of course on the look-out for bargains, early peas being rather scarce and correspondingly precious. The individual in question is evidently well up in the matter of peas and the weaknesses of womanhood, and he scores nearly every time. He presents himself at the door with a basketful of beautiful-looking shelled peas,while there is also exhibited with due prominence a fine collection of pea pods. Here they are, fine fresh peas, all ready for the pot, and at considerably under the market price. Sales are made rapidly, and altogether the peas man must have business in a big way. At dinner-time, however, or perhaps earlier, the purchaser is looking for the peas man,for those peas have been stewing away without softening, and the anticipated treat does not come off. The peas, it seems, were dried peas soaked in water and possibly freshened tap with the assistance of some chemical, and the few pods exhibited do duty for goodness knows how many pecks of peas disposed of. 'Peas' are astanding joke in Ponsonby just now, and it is said that there are other localities in which to mention peas in anything but the most matter-of-fact way is calculated to produce serious consequences, for the thrifty housewife does not like to be told she has been had. The hard peas man does not visit the same customers twice; he keeps steadily on his way, never retracing his steps; hence he still continues to live.

We have all heard of the advertisement which announced 'Wanted to sell, a piano by lady with carved mahogany legs.' A local newspaper got off an up-to-date notification of the comic variety this week. The notice ran :—'Wanted to sell, a Triumph bicycle by a young lady with pneumatic tyres.' The same Archimedean lever announced a few days previously that an advertiser wished to sell 'a second-hand lady's saddle.' We have often heard of 'second-hand' ladies, though "they do not generally possess sufficient hardihood to so publicly proclaim the fact, but a young lady with pneumatic tyres must be a real rara avis which it would pay a circus proprietor _to secure at any price. On what portion of the fair one's anatomy the tyres are situated the advertisement unfortunately did not specify. If the public were only enlightened as to the exact locality of the pneumatic tyres, and the lady exhibit placed on view I am sure she would prove even a greater draw than Edison's kinematograph.

A funny story is told about one of the gentlemen whose misfortune it was to be in attendance at the meeting of the Conciliation Board this week. As the weather was somewhat warm, he rode on a horse to the meeting and tied the animal outside the Supreme Court. When the Board adjourned this gentleman quietly walked down town with a friend and then took the Remuera 'bus home. Towards three o'clock next morning he awoke, and was revolving over in his mind various matters, as one is apt to do when lying awake, suddenly the fact dawned upon him. that he rode his horse to the court and returned home in a 'bus. For a moment or two he did not feel in a conciliatory mood, but being a good natured man, and therefore kind to animals, he lost no time in donning his apparel, and then walked into town. He found his horse all safe where he had tied it, but some good Samaritan had taken ofli the bridle and loosened the saddle girths, at the same time lengthening the tether so that the animal was enabled to crop the grass. The gentleman reached his home again just about five o'clock.