RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVI, Issue 85, 18 April 1885, Page 4

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamie-,.1

. wuo write, a neighbours name to lash, Homo write—vain thought.-for ncodful cash, Somo write to please tho country clash, And raiso a uiu. Vor m., _- aim I novor fash— I write for fun.

When* is nmnn insane? Mr Justico Gillies, whilo summing up the ovidenco against tho Pokono wifo murderer, was confronted with tho old difficulty—a lack of clear definition. Ho thought tho nearest approach to an ans.vor was that givon by tho writer who described insanity as «' thinking differently from tho rest of tho world.'' But if that definition furnished logal warranty for consigning a man to the a«ylutn, lovers would havo a bad timo ; any etorn parent who disapproved of Angelina's insane passion for Snooks, ..follow universally voted an insulTorablo cad and advonturor, would merely havo to call in two modical men and get his erring child constrainod to roason by tho discipline of a .strait-waist-coat. Tho definition won't do :no man thinks exactly tho samo as tho rest of the world, and hence ono high authority holds that ovory man is mad on somo point. Genius always transcends tho raontal (light of tho avcrago of human-kind, thorefoi _ tho lines :—

Great wits aro sure to madness near allied And thin portitions do thoir bounds divide,

But logal refining of phrases has confounded the confusion. Chitty says it is a criminal and indictable act to publish that any porson is affected with insanity, although it is not libellous to say that a man is not of sound mind, bccauso no being is of porfoctly sound mind but tho Doity. Yet lunatics aro constantly consigned to asylums on certificates merely alleging that they aro of " unsound mind." Angor is an unquestionable disturbance of mental balance, and somo mon absolutely lose control of themsolvea whon thoy aro in a passion. Coloridgo expresses it in a couplot:

And to bo wroth with ono wo love Doth work like madness In tho brain,

But anger is not, in law, a mitigation of any criminal act, nor does it seom very evident why a delusion on ono or two subjects should relieve a man of tho ponalty iiue to a crime which he has perpetrated with a full knowledge of its consequences. No man of perfectly sound mind would commit a murder. Pendorgrast not only fully understood that the law imposed a death sentence for murder, but ho calculated beforehand upon the chances_ of saving his own lifo by a plea of insanity. "Though this be niadnoss, yet there's method in it."

Sheridan, who ought _ to have known something about both, said that

Conscience has no moro to do with gallantry than it has with politics.

Mr Stout tried to persuade his audience at tho Theatre Royal that conscience plays, or ought to play, quite " a show part" in politics, and he has illustrated tho proposition by entering into a league, for tbe purpose of obtaining office, with a party in whoso political principles and aims be professes no sympathy, and from whom he differs upon the most vital questions of public policy. Now Zeailand is thus favoured with the spectacle of tho Radical lion with teeth drawn. Were tho gains worth the sacrifice? Although a bit of a Radical mysolf, and holding something of .he creed of the Irishman who wa*always "agin the Government," Ij cannot pretend to understand the Liberalism except in a Pickwickian simso, of o _c or two of Mr Stout's propositions. Tho suggestion that existing proper-ly-owners should bo endowed by law with a 1 porpetual charter as a privileged class to Whom alone in New Jiraland freeholds vrilJ be granted is a phase of Liberalism of which Conservative landowners will, I opine, en- ] ti rely approve. Such a law would bo as good as a gift of a hundred per cent, upon tho current valuo of thoir lands. If Mr Stout had prefaced his schemo with a proposal that tho present valuo should bo ta .en as tho permanent valuo of land, all fr.turo increment., to be appropriated by the State, the proposition might havo boon compr.hcnsiblo. But Ido not discover from )!_ definition of tho difference between a land tax and a property tax that ho harbour anysuch ideas. If ho' does, his expressions of surprise that the f_rr__-s throughout tho country proferred th 3 latter to tho former are rather amaz!-*.' The farmer is not such a fool as some folk' take him to be. If all capital is doomed to taxation,- ho cannot object to his own coming under tho general assessment, but he may vory naturally object to vote for a special tax upon the nocessary material of his calling, white all othor forms of industiy escape, henry George, in his " Social Problems," acknewtho difficulty of convincing tho larg. numb.r of freehold sottlers in America that thoir' ihdlrect gains from mitigation of other forms* of .axation through n State appropriation of tjie rent value of land by v special tax will make good to him tho loss the freeholder Would' suffer directly from the imposition-of sucha'.a:*. This is apart from the intrinsic justice of _ land tax, in which I fully believe.

I percoivo that, so far a. that highly select artillery corps for gentlemen onk/ is concerned, my remarks of last week havo drawn tho badger. Mr (i. G, Gilmore is pleased to accept tho full credit for initiating that gonteel little schema and1 he has so far ta_eri the public into his confidence as to indicate that Parnell—probably on account of the shreds of caste-feeling which still cling to it—was the recruiting ground ho had pitched upon. Ho had _so an eye toi securing for his corps the battery at Point Resolution, which, indeed, would bo a most convenient parade ground for the romantic young ladies andsusceptible young nursemaids of the once-aristocratic eastern suburb to feast their eyes upon the gorgeous uniforms of the warlike defenders of their common country. Howover, as Mr Gilmore has now considerably moderated his tone, he may be oonsigned again to his native oblivion and left severely alone.

That Militia Act, which has been sprung on us this weok like a mine is not the supporter and encourager of early marriaee. as was generally supposed. The young husbands complacently thought that tho possession of a wife at home eliminated them from the ranks of the first class Militia and relegated them to the second. They therefore stroked their nascent beards with satisfaction, twirled their moustachios, cocked their hats, and condescendingly pitied the celibates between 17 and 30 who might be called on any hour to fight for their country. But the brutal truth is out. Nobody was watching when that Militia Act was being passed; nobody cared, for who gave a thou-'ht to the Russians then ? The fatal ehango was made as it wore in secret; it slumbered its predestined time ; and now has guiltily emerged from the Statute Book to spread dismay in hundreds of pleasant little homes. The father of three, of four, or five, and even six thriving New Zealanders must to the wars. The facts of weeping Wife and interesting family wont shield him The law, that hideous abstraction, i 8 as bad as Falstaff, who " inquired out contracted bachelors, such as had been asked twice on the banns." When I got down to Wellington- among tho legislators (look out for "Zamiel's" manifesto next election) I shall get the law altered, encourage early marriages, and earn the blessings of troops of young wives and mothers.

xxx

When Mr Waymouth resolved to " put his foot" upon the " silver » cup won by his boat he used no metaphor, but literally performed the operation, remarking that he would explain how ho valued such "electroplated leadon things." Up to this stage he had made a very neat little speech, and had been frequently applauded, so that the climax came upon those present like a thunderclap. There was a good deal of hissing and a littlo cheering, and Mr VVaymouth left the room with the battered c. P tucked undor his arm, confident that he had only done his duty to the public. Well, everybody does not appear to agree with him, and he has been the subject of very strong and uncomplimentary remarks, some even going so far as to suggest that he should be prevented from competing at future regattas. Now, this is even worse than "jumping on the cup," and I hope the Commi-teo will have good sense enough to i decline any encb proposal.

Mr Waymouth may not havo boon right in his estimate of this particular cup, but ho know, as hundreds of others know, ths.. many of thoso presentation cups aro terrible frauds. Some are not worth a quarter of what they aro valued at, and they are a frequent sourco of soroness to thoso whoso good fortune, or bad fortune it may bo to win them. I nm assured that often when contributions towards sports aro canvassed for, guineas aro wonderfully scarce, and cups, if not plentiful, much moro so than would be expected, considering tho valuo plocod upon them. Theso are almost invariably only " plated " articlos, and yot they aro advertised as "silver," so that who can blame Mr Waymouth for calling thorn " shams _ ' He wont a very strango way about it certainly, nnd this is much :to be regrotrtcd, but ho noverthole.s mado such a " splash " that tho effects ot it will bo folt for somo considerable time to como. x x x Mr Lowif-on a ays that ono result will be that ho will neve r givo another cup to any regatta, and this is unfortunate, for no mnn has boon more liberal in this -way thin he lias boon, and Mi' Waymouth mado a great mistake in callinig upon Ma- Lowiseoti at all. IE tho cup was not what it was advertised to be.his griovanco w.-is with tho Committoo, and ho coi tld havo proceeded against thorn in a quieter mnnn ar, and ono which would probably 'havo carrioil with it tho sympathy of man;/ who Iknow that, ovon ii Mi- Lowis son's cup was u.-p to tho advertised valuo, hosts of otlt ors are not, nnd are well deserving tho name of ■" shams."

I am told that ono person in Auckland; has a collection of somo twenty-five cups,' won at sports, and that ho is willing to dispovso of them at what ho considers thoir i real valuo, about £25. This rominds mo of something olso which vory lately lenkod out. ;By are cent stoamer a large collection of pltttod cups—l suppose they will bo "silver " very .shortly—arrived hero. Thoy wero handsome articles, and wero suitable for Drives at all kinds of sports, such as running, boating, etc. ; in fact, thoy wore, in appof.vranco, just tho vory articles we usually B*io amongst a collection of " prr/.es for sports," and yot tho invoico price was " four dollars apioco." So much for " presentation cups," and so much for Yaukco notions. "No wonder, thon, that our sporting mon fight shy of them, nnd prefer the guineas. XXX A correspondent addresses mo as follows:— ' 'Dear'Zamiol,'—Thioolaboratopull's j of a certain gentloman in tho medical pro- ■ fession ha\7o been so often paraded before the public in the nowspajpers undor tho guiso of m.-rvellous cures, <fee., that it is quite time _*0 had a respite -.. This is a dish to which we .have been served ad nanseum, and it would be well to r.nnind this orring son of Esculapius that "'Good wine needs no bush." It h* said thab Now Zealand is a trying country for tho dye; be that as it may on all sides optical delusions abound, and Ido not doubt that my worthy disciple of Galen could a talo or two unfold, which, instead of curdli-ig tho blood, would pleasantly tickle tlie risible faculties of his auditors."

The events of tho las. fow weeks havo | developed a new disease among us—a fl disease which is makiii| * alarming strides, I and will probably do> unoro to make the J undertakers busy than tho conjoint efforts j of the doctors, and tho various ills arising J from defective sanitary .arrangements. Tho j ill I allude to is Russopfnobia. I regard war as a dreadful scourgo, but outraged honour must be avenged. It it* an invidious task to cry havoc ! and let slip tho dogs of war, but it is the only way to combat a treacherous foe. England has; now the moral support of tho civilised world in her quarrel, and if only a firm and undaunted front can be maintained, I venture to predict that Russia will retire into hor sholl like a startled snail. For i

" Nausht shall make uaruo If IBngland to herself do provo but true,

¥ The attendance at tho various race —_oot- , j ings this year, notwithstanding tho beauti- j {I ful weathor, was not fo great as at previous meetings); nevertheless, tho interest In tho national sport keeps unabated. One cannot i but marvel at tho facility with which, large gums are raised for racing purposes. Every place of any pretension throughout tho colony has its race meeting, viz., Henderson's Mill, Rangiri, tho Wado, &c Tho lucky investors on Kalo landed a big haul. It is not often that ono pound produces two' hundied and fifty. I heard of ono of tho lucky recipients wooing Bacchus with no ' bashiul forehead. Tho apologists for racing -taintaJn that it improves the breed of barses. "Wynkon do Worde, nearly 400 years 0,-30, quaintly described tho "propryteos " of a good horso as followa:—" A good horiw should havo fifteen good proprytees and condycions, that is to wyte, throe of a man, threo of a woman, throe of a foxe, three of a haare, and threo of an asso Of a man, boldo, proude, and hardye ; of a woman, fs-.yre breasted, fayro of hecre, and easy to i-ove; of a foxo, a fayre taylo, short 1 oors, with a good trotto ; of a haare, a grate ■ oycj a dry hoad, and well ronnynge ; of an aaso, a byggo chynn, a flut legge, and a gaodhoof." Lay those conditions and pro-pr--Oes to heart, yo patrons of tho turf, and yo"u_ breed of horses will bo no worse for it. XXX A lifttte- incident which occurred fihis week raises a very big question—the question, namely, of tho Tightness of- philanthropic effort ia dealing with the criminal and dopraved. classes. A man bearing the respectable if prosaic name of John Wilson, who is .an old gaol-bird and vagrant, was taken in tow by tho Salvationists, and for somo time wa_ carofully nourished at tho Home. 'The other day, he left tihe institution, taki_g with him such articles as he could pick up. He was arrested, tried, and found g.uilty of the crime, and sent six months to prison. Now, the fun ny thing is that when Jiis cix months have expired he will be met .by the Prison Gate .Brigade, taken to tho same oil Home, "coddled" and petted for a time, un- \ til he has gat up his constitution, I and is ready to go forth to his old carreer of ■: thieving and vagroncy. In all likelUhood he will once moro provo too cunning for "Captain" Little, and will tako with him any portable things that he may f.incy, and tho self-samo routine of conviction, j sentence, release, and attempted reclamation will keep going on. Is not all philan- I thropy worse than thrdwn away on .euch. cases ? And would it not bo bettor to .send, such men to penal servitude for life, and. compel them to earn a livelihood under .conditions which would debar the exercise off their idle and predatory instincts? .'I would answer both these questions in tb c affirmative, and would add that ruffians:«if he Wilson stamp do much to queue h altogether those philanthropic feeling 3 which are the stamp of the highest mai Ihood. But if we are to forgive our broth* .r up to seventy times seven, and if Wilson iia a brother, thon I ieor there will bo a larg ;e increase to tho family of lazy, dissolubj, and dishonest characters.

I do not know whether Shelley was a reader of old Herrick, but when reading fcho " Hesporidos " of the latter not long ago I came across what I thought to be the suggestion of Shelley's wonderful littlo poem called "Tho Cloud." Herrick has four stanzas under the hoading "The Hag,", from which I will quote the last :— • The storm will arise And trouble the skies This night; and, more for tho wondtsr. Tho ghost from the tomb Affrighted shall come. Called out by tho clap of tho thundoir. Now road with this theso few lines from Shelley's "Cloud".— I wield the flail of the lashing hail, And whiten tho preen plains under. And then attain I dissolve it in rain. And laugh as I pass in thunder. For after tho rain when never a stain, Tho naviiinn of heaven Is bare. And the winds and sunbeams with their convex gleams, Build up tho blue dome of air, I silently laugh at my own cenotaph. And out of tho caverns of rain, Like a child from tho womb, like a ghost from the tomb. I arise und unbuild it again. It will be noticed that the metres of the two poems are strikingly similar; and there will be observed the recurrence of one or two identical expressions. If Shelley never saw Herrick'a production, the poiocidence ia notsworthy. XX X j Thd Anglo-Israelites—who, by-the way, have kept themselves well in check of late _a_e now threatened with determined rivalry in th« realm of fanciful theory. No longer are they to have a monopoly of the bttSness ol CWSfc-ucting national genealo-

gics and rocovoring tho lost relationships of races. In fact, Anglo-Israolism has had its day, is palling upon tho public taste, and groator marvels in tho domain of tho purely imaginative mo called fir. To meet tho doraand tho iilou has beon started — and mirabila dictlll among the hard-hoaded Scotchmen of Dunedin—that tho Gnolic and Maori pooplos are portion!, of thosatiio race—in lino, "brithore too, an'a'that." Tho proof mainly roliod upon, of courso, is philological, but suroly tho aboriginal's love for usquobuugh might also bo .itod as irrofragablo ovidonco of doscont from tho samo stock us thoso North P.titons who colour thoir nosos with ,'" Wco Donal's o' Glonlivet" and sips of " Mountain Dow." Kovo.ting, however, to tho bearing philology has upon the matter. Mr .1. Blair (tho Assistant-En-gincor-in-Chiof), on Saturday ventilated tho theory to tho gontlomon who accompaniod tho Promior on his drive, and backed himself to give Gaelic meanings for all Maori names, adding that ho and I'rofossor Macgregor had performed tho feat recently at a parly in Dunedin. Ho was taken at his word, and at first proved equal to the omorgoncy. Otahuhu 'van set down as signifying "tho two dogs," but Onehunga was a stumbling-block. The philological Gael, after wrestling with tho word for some timo, at lust relaxed his preoccupied features into a gnitiliod sniilc,nnd, exclaiming, "I havo it!" proceeded to expound. Ho said that the ancient (laoloMaoris residing on tho banks of tho Manukau must have boon surprised by a marauding party of tho primitive clan of Finlay, and havo rushed forth to tho cry of " Oh ! tho Finlays," thus suggesting a name for the place. Of course, only thoso I who can get their tongues round tho knotted vertebra' of a (lallic word, and who have mastered tho secret of its torriblo orthtepy, can appreciate tho ingenuity of this explanation. It is but just to say that Mr Blair has taken up tho task of identification as a means of diversion, but with this theory ho professes his ability to givo tho Anglo-Israelites points, and boat thorn upon thoir own peculiar grounds.

Who does not know Tompkins, tho masher? Whero is tho woman whoso heart has not palpitated a little faster undor his ardont gaze? Whoro, "/amid" asks, is the damsel who has not longed to run hor dainty lingors through his luxuriant masses of straw-coloured hair, and lin^or within earshot of tho musical cailonces of his voice? Of course, girls, you all know him ! Draw round nnd " Zamicl " will whisper a funny littlostoryabout him. Miss MariaFlannigan, who was marriod a fow Wodnosdays ago at St. Patrick's, invited Tompkins to tho post-nuptial jubilations. The invitation roachod T. sovoral weeks boforo tho happy event, and with customary negligonco ho mistook tho date On tho Tuesday night before tho " widdin " all was bustlo and preparation by thoehatcau-lannigan. Maria Anne, the bride inprospectit, was engagod in tho somowhat unpootic task of putting her hair en papilotte, whilo with hor mouth full of hairpins.shognvoordors regarding tho polishing of hor " trotter cases." Bridget and Juanitar Jano, two other daughters of tho house, wore preparing littlo bags of rico and marshalling together all tho old shoos, dusty and worn,from tho rocessos of sunloss cupboards and othor domestic nooks and crannios whoro old boots generally drug out thoconcludingyoars of their oxistonco. A few chosen female frionds of tho family wero decorating tho tablo on which tho wedding breakfast was spread, and red-faced oboso MrsFlanniganwassuporintondingoporations generally, ovory now and then going bohind tho door to "pquoozo hor lemon " surreptitiously. Poor old thing ! Sho would miss Maria 6afily, but sho did not want tho " gurls "to soe hor griof. In a cornor of tho supper-room tho bridegroom-elect wax seated, studying alternately, as though his lifo depended on it, a " marriage sorvico " and " tho Rules and Regulations of Polite Society." XXX In tho midst of all this bustlo " rat-tat-l_t" went the knockor of tho shop door. Mrs P., bolioving that none but a vory dear friend of tho family would intrude at such a time, sent Johnny to thodoor. Muriacontinuod her hair-curling operations unabashed, and tho old boot-hunting and shuo-polish-ing p.ocecdod -with undiminished ardour. In a fow moments tho door flew open, and Tompkins.attired in a faultless suit of drossclothes, and wearing a charming magenta tio,g<i_ed beneficently ou tho scone. Thoro was a muflled female shriek, a kaleidoscopic view of a winsey petticoat, undarnod stockings, curl papers, and the slamming of n door marked Miss Maria's speedy exit. Tompkins did not grasp tho situation. Ho smiled one of thoso inano smiles so wellknown to httbituoß of Queen-shoot on Saturday night, and, stroking his magenta tie with an air of solf-satisfaction, asked Juanitar .lano if sho could toll him what thoy wore playing, postman's knock or hunt tho slipper. Juanitar giggled a gigglo of womanish gloo, and tied incontinently after Maria. Bridget was apjiealod to, but she, shaking tho dust from her eurmonts, anr-lblushing furiously.hadmudo a doxtorous llnnk raovoment to a flight of stairs loading to tho regions abovo. Maria, in Itor exit, h»id cut tho bridge of hor noso against tho door-post, and was moaning pitoously. This roused tho ire of Flannigan mere and p. re, and beforo tho unfortunate Tompkins could explain that ho had beon invited to tho party, ho was uncoromoniously hustled into tho Btreot, sulphurous Doric innuondcios rending tho air meanwhile And that's how Maria Flannigan was married with a picco of sticking plaster on hor noso, how Tompkins did not go to tho party, and it is also his wholo and solo reason for joining tho Orangomon.

It would almost appour as if Mr I). H. MoKonzio would novor bocomo reconciled to tho construction of the now Calliopo Dock. He never fails to givo it a passing shot whon the opportunity offers, nnd it is only to bo regretted that such persistent consistency is not devoted to a hotter cause. Soveral days ago, tho Harbour Hoard wore discussing tho advisability of drafting mon from the various public works in progress for tho purposes of constructing fortifications. Mr McKenzie seized this opportunity, and suggested the Calliopo Dock as tho work which they could bost afford to dolay. Tlt-o suggestion was recoivod with laughter by tho mombors, but thoy did not look _pon tho matter in tho samo light.

1 My attention has boon drawn to a matter which might woll rocoivo somo attention at i tho hands of tho polico. Numbers of young i couplos aro, it appoars, in tho habit of strolling for thoir ovoning walk over towards the Domain or Parnoll, and in tho neighbourhood of Stanloy-stroot. Occasionally, they are tempted by tho ploasantness of tho night to rest themsolves on somo " green and mossy bank" where thoy may more quietly exchange their confidences and pour sweet tales of love into each other's ears. While thus engaged, they are frequently annoyed by being subjected to the surveillance of wretched members of tho loafing fraternity, who, it appears, watch tho couples to the girl's house. Returning on the following or subsequent nights, those loafers intercopt tho girls if they can moot them alono, reprosont themselves as privato dotectivos, and, accusing tho almost invariably innocent young creatures of impropriety, threaten a complete expose" if thoy do not pay over a cortain amount of hush money. The girl tears to run tho risk of raising the breath of scandal, and foolishly submits to the extortion. lam told that this frame is extensiyoly practised, and, if so, I would advise those who are sought to be victimised to givo immediate information to tho police. It is really to be hoped that one of these contomptiblo scoundrels will bo detected at his villainy, and will moot with the punishment he so richly deserves.

Thearistocraticdistrictof Grafton'has been roused during the last weok by a queer little scandal. One of tho leading residents had a difference with his grown-up daughter the other evening because, forsooth, she would not wear the dress provided for her in which to appear at confirmation. The young lady, indeed, was so persistent in nor obstinancy that the stern parent found it neceßsarv to chastiso her somewhat severely. Unfortunately for himself, he neglected to follow the approved method of locking her in her room until her angor had abated, and before he knew whore he wan standing she had taken up a position on the front verandah, and, in wild and shrill accents, was exposing the family "skeletons in the cupboard," to the utter astonishment of tho neighbours and passers-by. Nor was this all. A friend expostulated with the maiden, but was promptly recommended to betake herself to a region remarkable chiefly for its heat and select character of its inhabitants. The peacemaker fled, but for nearly an hour afterwards the promising young lady, who moves in the " hupper suckles " of society, made night hideous by her sobs, and the frequent torrents of abuse levollcd at the heads of her offending parents.