Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 502, 3 January 1906, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

THE MEAN THING. HE: 'But oouldn't you learn to love me Ida?' She : 'I don't think I oould, George.' He (spitefully, reaching for his hat): «It is as I feared.. You are too old to learn. BILL'S FATE. • Didn't I tell you that BiU was too slo to live ?' •;« Why, what's *e bin and ddne now?' • He's gorn and got run over by a hearse .' HER IDEA. Mr. Newlywed: -By the way, dearest, did I ever tell you about that beautiful heiress who onoe wanted me for a husband ?' Mrs. Newlywed: «No, dear; you have never told me a lie yet that I know of,' A QUESTION OF TIME. New York Policeman: • Here, move on, What are yer Waitin' for V Country Youth: ' I'm waitin' for a man who offered to taka my watoh to get it regulated. He oughtto be baok now. It's nigh two koura sinoe he went.' MO CAUSE~FOR ALARM. Irate Purohaser : «See here, all my friends are laughing at this cheap suit I bought of you. They say it is a mile too bigi' Dealer (gently): «Mine frient, I know de oloding peesness petter dan your frienta do. Shust you vait till it rains,

*> ME WAS MISTAKEN. Fsst Cabman : ' What's that thing yer've got/' at ween the shafts o' yer oab, matey V aeoond Cabman: • Why, can't yer Bee, "wo my boss. What did yer think it las?'

", First-Cabman: Oh, I thought it were oca oi njjqm X-ray photographs.'

. STAYS AT KOJKE, Mra. Yf&sb', 'I wish I oould think of something to keep ray husband homa at , nights.' Mrs. Orirasoabßak : ' Gat him a bioydle.' Mrs; Yeast: 'Bat that would take him' yM out mote than ever,' • jm Mra. Orimsonbeak :* ■ Oh, r>o, M wouldn't. -f% My husband got one the day beforth«*Bter* day, and the dootor. aaya he won't for a month,' -. * ''- !l f| MARRIAGE MADE EASY. "•--•,. A ooupla desirious of being married went in the pouring rain to the olergyman's house, which waa a long distance from the village. The reverend gentleman was abed and asleep, and oame to the window in nightoap with hia oandle and asked what was wanted. Being told, he said : ' Well, I oan't bother to dress now, and I won't keep you waiting in the rain, so stand out there and take hold of eaoh other's right hands.' This they did, and he married them thus:

Out of the window this stormy weather, I join this man and woman together ; No one but He who rules the thunder Can break this man and woman asunder. Amen. TOUGH. 1 You have a pretty tough-koking lot of customers to dispose of this morning,' haven't you ?' remarked the friend of the .magistrate who had dropped in at 'the Police Court.

1 Hum! you arc looking at the wrong bunch. Those are the lawyers.'

HIS NAME. ' A gentleman called, did you say ? Did ho leave hia came,' asked the nrstre«u of th 9 house. f ■ ' Yes, ma'am, he said it w's immaterial.' '■'■'■ - r THAT MIGHT KE-2/jP HIM. Stranger: 'Did you ever meet a man down here with one leg named Wilson ?' Native (doubtfully): «I suppose you don't happen to know the name of his other leg?' ' REGARDLESS OF COST. Assistant (to employer): ' What shall I mark that new lot of blaok silk at V Employer: ' Mark the selling prioa e'ght shillings per yard' Assistant: ' Sat it only boat five shillings per yard I' Emplayes: ' I don't care what it oast. Aren't we soling cfi regardless o! ooit prioe.' THE OTHER END' Big Boy : ' Oh, you needn't be afraid of the dog I Don't you see how he is wagging his tail?' Small Boy :•' Yes, I see, hut that isn't the end I'm afraid of,' IT. Mistress; If you want eggs to keep you must lay them in a 000 l place.' Bridge*: ■ Oi'il mintion it to the bees at ,: «mst,mttm,'