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We are requested to intimate that Mass will be said at Methven by the Bey Father Binsfeld on Sunday week, 24th instant, at 11a.m. Mrs Riley — "Are yez on oalling' turns wid our neighbours 1 " Mrs Murphy — " Aye ooorse I am. She oalled me a thafe, an' I oalled her another. The Oatholio paroohial schools of the United States number 3000, with an enrollment of 511,000 pupils. Since 1885 the per ceitage of growth m this enrolment haß been 4, while the per centage of growth m the enrolment ot the publio sohools has been 8. At the meeting of the Board of Education yesterday it was reported that Mr W, McClure had been appointed master of the Ashburton Forks Sohool, and Miss Bilton assistant mistress at the South Rakaia Sohool. Mr P. Cunningham, chairman of the Lyttelton Harbour Board, has received a telegram from Admiral Fairfax's seoretary, stating that tbe Orlando and Lizard will visit Lyttelton on February 19th to the 21st. Tbe Orlando's orew were entertained at a pionio at Akaroa yesterday. Attorney (speaking very pleasantly) . It giveß me very great pleasure to tell you that you've won that oaße." Client : Leggo my arm; you miserable good-for-nothing lunkhead, you ! " Attorney : " Why man I what's the matter ? Are you crazy ? " Client : " No, Vaooinated." The extraordinary foroe exerted by growing fungi was shown the other week m a New Hampshire village. It was noticed that a cone about seven inohes m diameter was rising m the middle of an asphalt walk. Beneath it a mushroom was discovered, whioh had oraofaed and raised a solid Btretoh of asphalt two inches m thiokness. • A oolored man giving the name of James Turner has been arrested at Timaru on suspicion of having committed a robbery of some coin, stolen from a boarding-house there. After bis arrest it was discovered that he had pawned a watoh and other articles stolen from Kilgour's house at Waimate, and it will probably therefore be found that he aanwiaviiff art lVi_ tillamloa'aa lhama nn K*An^an *_._*■ UWU.U....UU ta-w wutQiaij vuuaw v_a au.vuuc.jr acao.a An Amerioan Bays the inconsistencies of bur language, aa mt no «*.<,! — _„_._,_,,,- B i»»-~, „__ fearful. T-o-n-g-u-e- spells " tongue," and the man who first spelt it ought to have been hongue, A-o-h-e Bpells "ache," and that's all you oan xpaohe out of it. E-i g-h-t Bpells j "eight," no matter how you depreceieight the idea. A-i-s-1-e spells " aisle " and f-e-i-g-n " feign," is enough to make anybody smaisle, if tbe effort is not too peigoful. On the way to the Caledonian games: Offioer O'Grady (reoently appointed)— "Shtop, ye sinner I Where's yer pants ? " Fergus MoTavish McFash, a piper (with dignity) — " Pants mon 1 I've nane J " Offioer O'Grady — "Thin, dueoe the step ye take till ye go into Levi's shtore and put up yer harmonioan fer a pair o' blue flannins to consarve th' daoonoy ay yer legs. D'ye think ye're at home m Africa, ye haythe'n baboon ? "— (Reefton " Guardian.") The railway up Mount Vesuvius has been so seriously damaged by some peasants, who are enraged at the impending abolition of guides, that it will not again be m working order till tbe middle of February. The Perfeot of Naples does not appear to be anxious for a rigorous investigation into the affair, his apatby doubtless arising from the faot that the mountain railroad is regarded throughout the proyjnqe as a detestable innovation. The famous St. Bernard dog, "Plinlim* mon," who was purchased m August last by Mr J. E. Emmett, the Amerioan actor, for 1000 guineas, left England just m time. A new star haß arisen, " Sir Bevedere," for whom 1500 guineas has been refused. This js all tbe more wopderful, as the qwper \s a man to whom the sum named mqs't tie a fortune. It is hoped be has hot been foolish. Better 1500 guineas m the hand than m any push or do-*, In reply to a deputation at Hamilton Mri Maxwell, Railway Commissioner, said with regard to the tariff of rates the Commißbioners fully acknowledged the foroe of the prinoiple that the railways should be run as muoh as possible m the int pr-^n of settlement as well as of revenue, and ih_y were prepared to admit this question into their consideration. Before, however, they oould make it a cardinal point they must have some expression on the matter from the Parliament and the Ministry. j On Thursday Mr Maroh, on behalf of the | Government, held a sale of Township Sections m the Rakaia Town Hall. : The attendance was small, very few [ besides those personally interested being present. None of the seotions fetohed over the upset prioe, whioh was £7 10s per quarter aore. The following Rakaia TownBhip Seotions were sold : — John Irwin lots 491, 492, 493, and 49- ; F. Saunders, 495 ; O. Tuoker, 660 ; O. Pluck, 200 ; R. Gorringe, 202; T. Dowling, 662; R. Mulligan, 269. 271, 273, 275, 277, 264, 266, and 268. " The Munioh " Neueste Naohriohten " announces that Baron Hirseh, the philanthropist, haß actually deposited with the Bank of England the sum of 50,000,000fr (or £2,000,000 of English money) for the purpose of founding sohools and to oivilise Jews of Russia. Tbe prinoipal trustee of this fund iB said to be M. Gunzburg, a large banker. A similar fund is being prepared for Ronmelia. The first sohools will be erected m Lemberg, Cracow, and Czernowitz. German will be tho language. At a meeting of the commissioners of the New Zealand and South Seas Exhibition at Dunedin on Saturday, it was stated that shares had been taken up to date as follows : —Paid for, £10,813 ; promised, £400 ; advertising, £375 ; total, £11,588, A small subcommittee was appointed to oanvass tbe town and country for shares, m order to get the £15,000 taken up. The draft programme of the Exhibition has been prepared. The Exhibition will open on the 28th November, and close the week after Easter, 1890. Foreign and British exhibitors will be oharged double rates for spaoe. Only articles manufactured m the building will be allowed to be sold. The judgeß will be appointed mainly on the recommendation of exhibitors. First, aeopndj and third class certificates of merit will be awarded, and first silver and seoond bronze medalß will bo given. Skinny Men.— '« Wells';Health R new r?s restores health and vigor, cures dyspepsia, impotence, sexual debility. At chemists and druggists. Kempthorne, Piosser, ,anf| Co. agent; Christchvigh- g 3

A boy, aged 15 years, has been arrested m Melbourne for some exceedingly clever forgeries on the Stook Exohange. It is calculated that there are over 200,000 lepers m British India, the minority of whom have plaoes m almshouses and asylums, the others roaming over the country, and subsisting on charity. It is said that when General Grant was m Japan the Japanese Premier, Prinoe Kung, desiring to. compliment the General by telling him that he was born to command, tried it m English, with thia result : ■• Sire, brave General, you was made to order." An extreme specimen rf a dandy alighted from a four-wheeler and went round to pay the driver. The poor old raok-of-bones mare turned her head to gaze at him, " Yes," said the driver confidentially to the horse, as the passenger moved away, " that's the blessed hobjeot you've been adrawin' of." The Toronto Empire is of opinion that Australia should be formed into a dominion like Canada, and then the Governors of the separate colonies would be appointed by Australian statesmen responsible to the people of Australia, and chosen from the people of the particular provinces. The "Lyttelton Times" says that m arranging oorn exhibits for the Dunedin Exhibition, one of the heaviest yields ot oats as yet heard of is estimated to give over 100 bushel, to the aore, while good judges assert that the yield of wheat from a paddock near Woodend will be considerably over 80 bushels to the aore. The " Panama Star " and " Herald " says that New Zealand mutton would find steady Bale at good prioes on the Isthmus, together with any other fresh meat, game, fish, vegetables, fruit etc, that could be forwarded m this manner. It is suggested that ooal would form a profitable ballast for the cargo and that a big business could be established between the oountries, The Committee appointed to take Bteps for adequate representation of the ABhburton distriot at the New Zealand Jubilee Exhibition met with a very gratifying response to a preliminary canvas for aubsoriptions yesterday. The result was suoh as warranted tbeii at ouoe preoeeding with the collection ol exhibits, and accordingly Mr Lawrenoe was despatched to-day, with speoial instruments, to obtain photographs of some of the specimen crops of the distriot. There was a ourious sensation at a ohuroh wedding at Bridgeport, Conn. The groom, a person of violent temper, swore beoause tbe bride and her party were behind time. During his ravings to his best man the bride arrived and overhead her fianoee roundly abusing her and swearing outrageously. The bride's faoe assumed a deadly pallor. She approached the altar and stood motionless until the minister asked if she " would love, cherish and obey," to whioh she replied m a clear, ringing voioe •• Not by a long shot," and majestically marched out of the edifiae. Five historical swords have been left by the old German Emperor to tbe Berlin Arsenal. They are the long sword, with a leather sheath, whioh the monarob wore from 1810 to 1884, the sword worn through the Franoo-German and the Austro -German wars, on the handles of whioh are insoribed the names of the most famous battles of 1866 and 1870 71; the sword whioh the Emperor wore at parades, and whioh was Oalled the " Kdnigs-Babel " ; the sword he inherited from Frederick William IV ; and his father's old sword, whioh had been through all the wars against the First Napoleon, and whioh had itß plaoe next to the desk of William I, olose to the famouß oorner window where ths old man was daily greeted by the crowd when the Guards passed the Palaoe. At the meeting of the Board of Bducation yesterday Mr Wright brought before the Board an application fmm the Hampstead Sohool Committeee for an enlargement of the playground. The matter had been before the Buildings Committee several times, but he hoped the Board would favorably consider I the application. The Chairman pointed out that the Board had not funds for the purpose. Mr Wright said the Board would soon be m reoeipt of other funds. He moved — " That half' an aore of land be purchased to enlarge the playground at Hampstead, the prioe not to exceed- £25. Mr Peryman seconded the motion. Mr Anson moved as an amendment — " That the matter be referred to the _>uH-a urs O _,-___.<.«__ - tv UUQBiattr." SSHT Saunders seconded the amendment, whioh was oarried on the casting vote of the Chairman. Twenty years ago a Liverpool Steam Packet Company wanted to extend its premises, and resolved to buy a pieoe of land belonging to a maiden lady of an uncertain age. Tbe spinster sold her land at a very low prioe, but, as a set-off, requested that a olause should bo put m the agreement to the effect that during her whole life she and a companion should have a right at any time to travel m the Company's vessels. The day after the agreement was Bigned, she sold her furniture, let her house, and went on board the first outbound vessel belonging to the Company, without troubling herself where it was going, Sinoe then the lady has always lived on one ship or another, aoaompanied by some lady traveller, for whom she advertises, and whose passage-money she puts m her pooket. She is calculated to have made over two thousand pounds by the sale of her few yards of land, and the Oompany have offered her more than that sum if she will give up her privilege, but they cannot get rid of her at any prioe. It has been stated by P. T, Barnum'a admirers that hiq svioqess m t\\e show business is due to the faat that the Amerioan people like to be humbugged. That may be a faot, and it is oertain that there was a " sell "once perpetrated m Chicago which was heartily enjoyed by the viotims. It was baok m the sixties, says an old residenter, when the populace was startled by the lavish display upon dead wall and herbßtone of a " gutter snipe '• bearing the announcement "He is coming/ That was all. Who "he " was or when "he" was '« coming" was nowhere stated. One Sunday morning the newspapers fcerajded the {apt tbat «•« He is he?e,v. and' again the dead walls, and kerbstones took up ihe Cry and told the same thing. From the announcement it appeared that V he " was a II mysterious wonder " who would give mar. vellous exhibitions that night at Bryan Hall. The sensation oreated by the announcements ** He is coming " and " He is here " attracted a great orowd to the hall that night, and the adv.nt of the singular advertiser was eagerly watohed for. At last the hall was filled with paying people, and the window of the boxoffice was closed. A bell rang, and up went tbe ourtain, All that could be seen was a big sign, reading ''He is gone." He was, too, and with all the money, bijt the yiotims eniovedit.

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LOCAL AND GENERAL., Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 2064, 15 February 1889

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LOCAL AND GENERAL. Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 2064, 15 February 1889