A MODEL LOVE-LETTER.
« The following epistle was written by v an Onondagaa lover to the "object ol f his affection," a widow lady, the mother , of three children. After his passion * had cooled and he failed to " come to , time," the lady sued him for breach of ? promise of marriage, and recovered 500 » dollars as healing balm for her lacerated heart, the letter being part of the cvi- * dence produced on the trial :— j My Dear Mrs M. —Every time I think of you my heart flops up and , down like a churn dasher, t-ensations t of unutterable joy caper over it like 'young goats on a stable roof, and thrill through it like Spanish needles through a pair of tow linen trousers. As a gosling swimmeth m a mud puddle so swim 1 on a sea of glory. Visions of ecstatic rapture thicker than the hairs of a blacking brush and brighter than the eyes of a humming bird's pinions, visit me m my slumbers, and, borne on their invisible wings, your image stands "before me, and I reach out to grasp it, like a pointer snapping at a blue-bottle fly. When I first beheld your angelic perfections I was bewildered, and my brain whirled round like a bumble bee under a glass tumbler. My eyes stood open like cellar doors m a country town, and I lifted up my ears at the silvery accentg of your voice. My tongue refused to wag, atd m silent adoration I drank m the a nreet infection of love as a thirsty man swalloweth a tumbler of hot whisky punch. Since the light of your face fell upon my life I sometimes feel as if I could lift myself up by my boot-straps to the top of the church steeple, and pull the bell rope for singing school. Day and night you are mmy thoughts. When Aurora, blushing like a bride, rises from her saffron-colored couch ; when the jaybird pipes his tuneful lay m apple tree by the spring house ; when the chanticleer's shrill clarion heralds the coming morn ; when the awakening pig arises from his bed and grunteth, and goeth for his morning refreshment; when the drowsy beetle wheels its droning flight at sultry noontide ; and when the lowing" herds come home at milk-time, I think of tbee ; and like a piece of gum elastic, my heart seems stretched clear across my bosom. Your hair is like the mane of a gorrel horse powdered with gold. Your face is smoother than the elbow of an old coat. Your eyes are glorious to behold. In their liquid depths I see little Cupids bathing, like a cohort of ants m an old army cracker. When their fire hit upon my manly breast it penetrated through my whole anatomy, as a load of big shot through a rotten apple. Your nose is from a chunk of Parian marble, and your mouth is punctured with sweetness. Nectar lingers on your lips like honey on a bear's paw j and myriads of unfledged kisses are there ready to fly out and light somewhere, like blue birds out of their parent's nest. Your laugh ringß m my ears like the wind harp's etraiH, or the bleat of the stray lamb on the bleak hill side. The dimples on your cheeks are like bowers m beds of roses, or hollows m cakes of home-made sugar. I am dying to fly to your presence and to pour out the burning eloquence of my love as thrifty householders pour out hot coffee. Away from you lam as melancholy as 9 sick rat. Sometimes I can hear the June bugs of despondency buzzing m my ears, and feel the cold lizards of despair crawling down my back. Uncouth fears, like a thousand minnows nibble atmy spirits, and my soul is pierced with doubts like an old cheeße is bored with skippers. My love for you is stronger than the smell of Goffey's patent butter, or the kick of a young cow, and more unselfish than a kitten's first caterwaul. As a song bird hankers for the light of day, the cautious mouse for the fresh bacon m the trap as a mean pup hankers for new milk, po I long for thee.
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A MODEL LOVE-LETTER., Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 2013, 14 December 1888
A MODEL LOVE-LETTER. Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 2013, 14 December 1888
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