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Sho—What doea M.D. stand for? He— Miserable dootor, generally. Forty-nine suicides make Monte Carlo'! rooord for the last two and a-hulf months. - Why is the vowel O the only ono Bounded ? Because all the others are m audible. A trout weighing 18} lbs was taken out of the Waitaki the other day by a luokly fisher* man. The Prince of Wales is still growing fat, and, to make matters worso, he is mad about it. A £8,000,000 tunnel from Scotland to Ireland is among the engineering " poßsibilities." Berlin has a population of one million, only two per cent, of whom go to publio worship. With nearly four hundred thousand people m Hamburg only five thousand attend worship. A young politician once told Abraham Linooln that he was going to set up ad •' the poor man's friend." "I am afraid," remarked Mr Linooln, " that you will make a number of very expensive acquaintances," The latest American invention is to carry pent-up gas m your pooket, m the shape of a patented toroh, about Gin long, and made of a secret composition thoroughly permeated with gas. When lighted, these stioki give off a large colorless flame, whioh bums for about hftlf-an-hour. Women's righto are even creeping into China. The Marquis Tseng, wall known as former Minister to London and Paris, has just celebrated the wedding of his daughter, Lady Blossom, when, for the first time m Chinese annals, the bride's oonsent to the choice of a husband yraa aotually asked. Wonderful takes of trout m the Waitaki continue to be recorded. The " North Otago Times," for example, snys that m the river on Monday last Mr H. Schluter caught three fish weighing 13^1bs, on Wednesday eUven weighing 62$lbs, and on Saturday eleven weighing 601bs, bsing a total of twenty-five fifth, weighing 1451b5, or an average of over i s£lbs eaoh. On Saturday Mr O. Craig, who aooompained Mr Bobluter, caught eight fish, weighing SOlbs. Two Dunodin visitors, located at the Glenavy Hotel, made good hauls on Friday, and Messrs Cameron, Wilson, Dennißon, Wheeler, andßisaott were also successful, Mr Cameron sharing with another angler a basket of fiitoen. Our contemporary tayo that the Waitaki, at the present time, i« the best river for angling m New Zealand.

I At the B.M. Oourt tbia morning, before the ' ' Major, a first offender for drunkenness was cautioned and disoharged. Enoh year about £10,000 i« expended m sprinkling the Btrocts of London with sand to prevent the horaoa slipping. The first step towards carrying out the intention of Parliament, as expressed m the Land Aoli of last Bosoion, with regard to the classification of the Canterbury runs, has been taken by tho appointment of the Commissioners These are Mr J. H. Baker, Chief Surveyor for Canterbury, and Messrs David McMillan and Reginald Foster. In tho first of the nerios of grain thowi held m the Melbourne Exhibition tha Hon. Mathew Holmes, M L.0., has some samples ofjwhoat m the ear, and grown by him, which are pronounced to be vary fine. They are specimens of Tuscan wheat whioh has yielded 66 bußhola per aore. Some grand samples of potatoes are also shown by Mr Holmes. Cards attached to these show that from 180 aores a total of 1440 tons was obtained. A lain judge, whose personal appearanoe was as unpropcßsopsing ai hit legal knowledge was profound and his intellect keen, interrupted tt fomalo witness: •• Humbugged you, my good woman. What do you mean by that?" ho mud H'ornly. "Well, my Lord," replied the woman, " I don't know how to explain it exac ly, but if a girl called your Lordehip a handsome man she would be humbugging you." There wbb another very good attendance at tho Orango Hull nnt evening, on the ccasion of Prcfc hor E. O. Hugo's leotur on " EyeF. ' The lecture was very interesting and was attentively listened to throughout. At the olose a number of delineations of character were given. Frof. Hugo will deliver tho last leoture tjf the series on Thursday evening, when the subject of addreßS will be "lips." The "New Zealand Herald" Bays:— We are glad to reoord the continual bucoobb whioh ia befalling the new local industry known bb the New Zealand Varnish Works, Avondalo. A steady demand for the varnishes is now Arising m the South, and orders are steadily coming m. A ooutraot has reoently been let for enlargement of the works by ereotion of an extension devoted to the storage and the manufacture of spirit varnish. Notioe appears m the " Gazette " that two Reserves m tho Canterbury Land Distriot, viz., No. 631, containing 84a Sr 6p, and No. 632, oontaining 61a 3r 10p, are discharged from reservation, and " will be sold or disposed of under Seotionß 95 and 232 of the Land Act, 1885." This means that they may be Bold by the Board to the owner of adjooent lands without competition, provided that the purohase prioe be not Ibbb than £2 per aore. At the Ohriatohuroh City Council meeting last night a motion to apply to Government for £50 expenses of the fire brgades m ex* tinguishing the firo at the Sunnysido ABylum was negatived. A letter waa received from the Gas Company offering (1) to reduoe or abandon meter rents as soon as the company can pay 12 per cent, without them ; (2) to maintain the price of gas at 7s 6d per 1000 feet, and to supply street lamps at £4 4s per year for a term of three years. The Council declined the proposals, but referred the matter to a speoial lighting committee to endeavour to negotiate further. The " Wairarapa Star " Burmiaea that the young man Lawrence, who was reoently arrested at the Melbourne Exhibition m female attire under sensational circumstances, is identical with a young fellow of tho same name, who, a few years ago, oreated a alight sensation m the Wairarapa by the performance of a number of curious vagaries. Before leaving Masterton he played a prominent part m several religious denominations, presented to hia friends a number of valuable gifts whioh had subsequently to be given up as they were never paid for, and finally feigned paralysis, got a solicitor to prepare his laat will and testament, and then predioted his death on the day that he levanted. The "Star "adds that besides the escapades m which he took a part m the Wairarapa, he furnished its readers with some very humorous adventures of a new chum m Viotoria, whioh, it has good reason for believing, was a portion oi hia ftntobiagraphy, A oar-load of dynamite, on a freight train of the Philadelphia and Reading Railroad, recently oxplodod at Looußt Gap with terriflo foroo, killing geven people and wounding twenty-five others. The freight train had baoked into a eiding to allow the passing of a fast train going south. When pulling out, some of the oars beoame detached, and the train broke m two. Tho firßt part waited for the other half to oome up, whioh it did with uneipooted violence, the aonousßion causing the explosion. Below the road there was a street oontaining seven houses, of these nothing remained, and it was m these that all the deaths oconrred. About 100 yards below these buildings, there was another row of four double houses, whioh were demolished. Trees near tho train were uprooted, while one large tree was blown on to the top of a freight oar. None of the train hands wero injured, although one is said to have been blown a oonsiderable diatanoe. | Under the heading " Who is to be the new Judge ? " wo find the following m the " Rangitikei Advooate " :— •" The vaoanoy on the Supreme Court Bench oausod by the death of Mr Justice Johnston has remained unfilled for an abnormally long time. Who ib to get the billet 7 Various names have been suggested, the first to attain distinot prominence being that of Mr Haggitt, of Dunedin. It was said that Sir Robert Stoat baoked up this selection, though why we know not, unless it be that Mr Haggitt has a large praotice m Dunedin, and his promotion to the Supremo Oourt Bench would mean the turning of a good deal of grist to the mill of hia rival practitioner, the democratic knight. The latest rumoura are— No. 1. That Sir Robert Stout has made up his mind to settle m Melbourne, and, No. 2, that he goes there to see the Hon Mr Fergus, Minister of Justice, with a view to scouring the judgeship for himself. Neither of theße may be oorreot. At all events we hope that the Ministry will not bring itself into disrepute by appointing so rabid a politician to the Supreme Court Benob. Judge Ward haß for some time disoharged the duties of the position faithfully and well, and his claims to tho permanent appointment are paramount." Under the appropriate heading " not worth the expense " the " Ohrißtohuroh Tolegraph " writes : — At the Wanganui sittings of the Supreme Court, a man was indicted for breaking into the house of a baker at Marton and " thoro stealing the wing and leg of a pigeon." The evidence showed that the acoueod formely had been a boarder m tho house of the prosecutor, and that on the night of tho alleged offence he was seen ooming out of the house. The acoused was then followed to his own dwelling, and m his possession was found a portion of ft pigeon pie on whioh tho prosecutor had that day dined. Why tho acoused had visited the house of the proßeoutor did not appear, except that it might bo inferred from tho theft whioh he committed that he had been well treated when there m hia oapaoity bb boarder and wished to partake once moro of the good things with whioh he waß formerly familiar, Some Buch views must have been taken of his act by the jury, for they reduoed ihe ohargo of burglary to one of potty larceny, and found the prisoner guilty of stealing a pigeon's leg and wing. His Honor hardly seemed to regard tho offenoe m the same trivial light as the jury, although he said ho felt inolined to pass a light sentence. The prisoner would receive bix months with hard labor. Had tho accused feloniously

appropriated tho whole pie, we Bupposo he would have got about three yearß.

Persons attending the oonseoration of the 1 Oharoh of England portion of the publio 1 Cemetery, are requested to bring their Hymn I Books. The service will be at 8 p.m. tomorrow. The nominations for the Ohampionahip and Cup Race to come off at the Eink de Paris on Thursday next close to night. There should be a good number of entrieß. The handicaps will be advertised to-morrow. The gathering to-morrow evening m St. Stephon's Sohoolroom, m honor of the visit of the Moat Be? Bishop Harper, Bhould bo well attendod. The ohoir of the ohuroh, strengthened by friends, will give several oboruses, and, among others, Mrs Oharleß Harper, who is visiting Aahburton, has promised to aing. It will be remembered that on Saturday we published vorbatim an unintelligible telegram from Dunedin anent the " sweating " syßtem which prevails there, making a Bhot at its meaning m a footnote. It now appears that what was intended to bo oonveyed was that for the work of " finishing " moleskin trousers the rate paid is 2d per pair, and that for " finishing" Crimean shirts 8d per dozen. Enquiries made with regard to the sweating system m Ohristohuroh show that though matters are not so bad as m Dunedin girls and women are paid wages whioh seem quite inadequate to support them. For trouser finishing the rates paid barely enable a woman to earn 10s a week by working till late at night. One establishment has, it is said, taken a contract for making men's suits, finding trimmings and linings, for 80a eaoh, work which a leading tailor estimates cannot be done for less than 40a, if fair wages are paid. A " burial scandal " of a remarkable nature has just disturbed the pence of Croydon. A man died" in the Infirmary on the same day as a woman, and the fotmer was to be buried by the parish and the latter by her relatives. By some inexplicable bungling the bodies got mixed, with the result that the woman waß put into the man's coffin, and the man into the woman's and the mourning relatives of the latter followed the wrong body to the cemetery. The " mistake " transpired after the funeral, and the bodies were exhumed and transferred. The officials have been " severely oenßured " by the Guardians, and oertainly not without good reason. An Amerioan doctor has discovered a new method of dealing with dead bodies, for whioh he olaims advantage over both oromation and burial. He has, it appears, already illustrated his method with the corpse of a ohild, whioh he has oonvorted into a small oroas, having all -the appearance of veined marble. The substance of whioh this cross is made is obtained by immense hydraulic pressure, by whioh an adult's body may be squeezed into a solid blook of about one cubio foot m measurement, wbioh is as hard and as durable as stone, and as tasteless and odourless. Acoording to the inventor a dead body may be dealt with by this latest process at about one-fifth of the cost of oremation. The London correspondent of the "Dunedin Star " says : — The most indefatigable Anglocolonist m Europe is unquestionably my redoubtable friend Mr Pritohard-Morgan. Having Bold his Welsh gold mine for the substantial sum of £200,000, he can at last afford to gratify hia ambition to enter Parliament, and is now one of the many candidates fighting Mortbyr Tydvil. I fear it somewhat militated against his chances to begin with that he openly expressed indifferonoe whether he stood as a " d— d Liberal" or an "infernal Tory." Either politioal " raoket " would, he considered, suit him equally well. Eventually, however, W. P. M. oame out as a full-blown Liberal and ardent Home Ruler. He soon pioked up his cardinal principles, and oan now " patter Gladstonese " as well as any " Bad." "Rough on Piles."— Why suffer Piles immediate relief and complete cure guarane teed. for " Rough on Piles." Sure cur for itching, protruding, bleeding, or any for of pil

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Ashburton Guardian, Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 1977, 23 October 1888

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Ashburton Guardian Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 1977, 23 October 1888

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