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JOTTINGS., Ashburton Guardian, Volume 2, Issue 315, 9 April 1881
Hide your heads, ye presumptuous mortals and jumping fraternity ! Go bury yourselves, and no more dare hope to drag your five-year-old township from out the obscurity into the light of public favor ! From the far south-east, comes a blighting blast of criticism under which ye should sink into the earth. But, joking aside, is it true that this authority actually based his statements on the contents of the catalogue of your Toy show. Well might he be forgiven for the error of his ways. At the next similar occasion, however, I would suggest a visit of inspection, even if there be no collection of wild beasts in connection therewith.
Not far from Ashburton there recently occurred an exhibition out-rivalling the far-famod Dr Carver’s sharp-shooting. S , a publican, possesses a poodle, but was nevertheless unwilling to “ part the greed ” in the shape of registration fees. Consequently, one morning, he instructed his man-of-all-work to capture the embryo sausinger—which, by-the-by, I omitted to state, held occupation of the bottom floor of the building—and convey it to the Police Station to' be destroyed. This was done, and the dog handed over to a stalwart member of the A. C. force, who tied the condemned to a shrub close handy, and having produced a revolver, proceeded with ih® work of/destruction. Three several times at a range of about five feet ten did he fire, the marker record.inga “miss” and two extreme in the character of a couple 61 earmarks. This, however, was too much for Joe, who, taking up a boulder, hurled it with kuffleeiit force to stun the animal, at the same time commenting on the probabilities which would have existed of thf»t trooper, making his fortune at one shot had he: beemengagOd ih the Kelly campaign*
. v are ever proverbial, * tnink the following, which i t vouched for by being published in the Victorian educational report will be novel to sblhe of your readers:—The line, “ The curfew tolls . the knell of parting day Gray’s Elegy, was thus explained to his class by a State school teacher : “ A curfew is a bird with a long bill and tail, and many’s the one I've shot in the bogs of Ireland ! ”
In the course of my chequered career, I have seen some novel methods adopted by people “respectable” ones, too”—to avoid liquidating their debts—jnsf jUßd"’*’ unjust. But a most original instance of the kind came under the notice of yours truly, one night recently. OnThe QOBfcw sion l am about to refer to, I strolled into the billiard-room of one of thehotehr doing a thriving trade within this"growing ’ borough. Two votaries of the grwh>cl6th were engaged in a trial of skill,, auu/fo make the game more interesting, thewr was a small amount staked on the result VThe game eventually came to an end—as r most games do —by one of the players 1 winning, and it follows, as a natural ’sequence that one of them lost—and paid his money like a man, queth my reader.. - Not so, good sir, or madam, the tax tipop” his energies had been too great,,, and he lay down and slept—the sleep of the just;, and not all the efforts of his erstwhile . opponent—anxious for his dollars—could rouse him from his peaceful slumbers. The item has since been written; oft.as. a, < bad debt.
Talking of debts and their payment--- ; » or rather their non-payment—brings to my recollection a little episode which occurred on the morning of Tuesday laflt. By-tho-way, any of ray readers whe happened to be out of his or her .j. able bed at 2 a.m. on the morning I mention, Will know that the; involuntary “ ducking ” I am about to relate was not „ a very pleasant episode to one at least J of _7 the actors in the drama.' On th| morning in question, I was doing *ny “ level best” to arrive at the tenement that «£ present affords a' shelter to and when not a hundred miles from'*' Saunders’ Buildings, I heard. a knew it at once, I had experience, unfortunately, of the genus—loudly demanding payment of cab-hire. The indebted ,00° mildly assured his tormentor that h^realfy. ; “ hadn’t got it.” “ Fork, opt,!’ Jehu, “or I will put you undet.tbaL, pump,” pointing to one in an adjacentyard. The threat had no effect, bdjppl a reiteration of the Mctim’s Tdrmer - statement that he had not got ..the wherewithal. And in a trice the Idckiessf individual, was caught.by,- the head.ajsdL heels by the enraged creditorand a’cntnti, and carried to the convenient pump, while the fourth . pa»ty proceeded-} to: milkjthe cow with the iron tail. When they were tired of pumping, they, proceeded, to dash buckets of water upon their half-drowned., victim. I can tell.you, sir, the heart of Sinecure melted, ■ and ; lie dug down a piece to see if ho could discover a stray crown, but alas ! Sinecure like most? men of letters—ahem !—is : pot blessed with a superabundance of. thU. world’s goods—and all he could find was a piece of chalk, a latch key, and a button, onq, - so the christening went on till, the,VfJbbjr , thought he had his five shilljpga’-wprth, -. when the almost frozen ope was allowed to depart. Moral —If you order a cab oh ~ a cold morning, add have uoVtte ‘:‘rfa«^? , £ to satisfy the demands of the Jehu, don't 4 " drive too near a pump. - f jr-
- — W I Permit me, sir, although rather late in ~ the day, to congratulate you on. : the excellence of the supplement whichyou issued with the Guardian on the jdate of the opening of the Exhibition. Fiat I hardly thought you-plac«A-SirA«tber„-ftordQß-Ma « congenial company -whop*: 1., found. “ counterfeit presentment,’'' "t>hcl£ed‘‘'by “Old Sam Brown” ancT- other local' celebraties (“ in good prominent letters, ’ ’ as your contemporary would say). Rather injudicious, you know, of your printed, ! as| inquisitive people ate apt to'turn over the* leaf to see who the Governor's associates are, and, estimable man, and jolly farmer, as I know “ Old Sam Brown ‘’.(as yo« > him) to be, yet I hardly think he is the T kind of man whom a fulhbloWn Gbvdrttb? 1 would select for an intimate acquaintance.
JOTTINGS., Ashburton Guardian, Volume 2, Issue 315, 9 April 1881
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