I am not yet so bald that you can see my brains. ” —Longfeu.ow.
(From Ashburton Herald, May 1.) “ Tempt me not,” said Mother Eve to the serpent. I never had an opportunity thrown in mj' way such as a neighbor of the Herald's people had the other night. Some gentleman on his way home got into Martin’s photograph shop, or rather on the stairs leading thereto, and there went to sleep, having for a bed-mate a bottle of •‘Hennessey’s Three-Star” guaranteed. Before office hours he left in a hurry—he rolled down, and left the P.B. behind him; and the boss of the negative business was quite as much astonished in the morning to find a bottle of the liquor he abhorred on the sill of his door, as the man who left it was to find himself in Sergeant Pratt’s lodging-house minus his “nip,” and the photographer found use for the liquor by making use of it for chemical purposes in his laboratory ; and when Pratt’s patient came to hear of what vile uses his “ Three Star” had been put to, he at once went into D. T. ’s, and was forthwith consigned to Sunnyside.
The cackle of a goose once saved “ Rome,” and if Ashburton has not as yet arrived at so classic a summit in the world’s history as the city of Romulus and Remus has, the goose still retains its preeminence in the poultry yard. Even in the dull times the auctioneers experience just now, the goose sometimes assumes his position and takes his stand as an object worth consideration. “ Friend Harrison ” the other day sold a goose at as fair a price as a hide-bound, spavined, curby-hocked, wind-galled, and cowhocked goose ought to go, but the purchaser was dissatisfied with his bargain and the goodnatured little auctioneer got another commission to sell the broken down biped again. Up rose a bidder who spends a good deal of his time in the vicinity of the Town Hall and announced to the audience that Mr. Knock-em-down had sold that same goose before, and the retort came pat, “ Yes, Mr. Smallbones, it is not the first goose I have sold twice. You’ve been sold twice in your life man, I’ll bet.”
There are veterinary surgeons and vets. An instance came under my notice a day or two ago where a vet., that is, an amateur one, and a female at that, adopted a rather original cure for a horse suffering from what in a human subject would be described by the medical fraternity as Marasmus, which term dished up into decent English means want of grub. Well, this female vet. went into the process of curing the horse in her own particular style, and after reading up authorities she got a bit mixed about what the disease was, and what the proper physic ought to be. As a matter of course, the unfortunate thoroughbred got'a dose of a most extraordinary nature. The veterinary surgeon’s book recommends a small amount of horsehair, cut up in short pieces, for worms and similar complaints, and the amateur vet. in question was of opinion that the animal couldn’t get too much of a good thing, so she cut all his tail and mane off, and chopped it up fine, and administered it to the quadruped in his oats. Talk about cannibalism after that ! The unfortunate horse eat the portion of himself administered to him under the guise of “ feed,” but he had a good revenge his burial expenses amounted to 30s.
THINGS IN GENERAL. Who bought that dog? This simple query brought A magistrate, three lawyers, and four auctioneeis In solemn conclave ; and an answer sought With calm deliberation. Doubts and fears Alternate swayed, as eager fought— Or seemed to fight—the lawyers ; then appears Array of legal lore, and all agog The audience wait to know who bought that dog? All witnesses must “lave the Coort,” the bobby said. Which caused an exodus sublime to see. Then Mr. Branson said before he pled. That out of hearing, too, must added be. Then did his echoing voice resound—the dead Must hear the roaring music, and the sea Yield up the ghost. Says O , “ I’m sore afraid Your Worship’s mandate cannot be obeyed.” Then legal quibbles came t’ involve the cause. And badgered witnesses turned pale and red; And Mr. Crawley claimed expenses, as by laws Entitled, when he swore and said, “Defendant did not buy the dog;” an unexpected clause From plaintiff’s witness, and n®t prior paid. When O’, then asked him how that fact he knew. On oath, he said, ’twas told him so as true. But here an unexpected point arose ; Another query wanted answer given. Who sold the dog ? for i .ullock did depose He sold the dog; and as he hoped for heav’n. Was certain on’t; but then the bailiff as a witness goes And swears he sold the dog, and him hath given Defendant’s brother. Now a “clear novation,” This was adjudged, which rhymes with botheration.
Then Mr. O’, addressed the nonsuit point, And quoted several old and famous cases. He worked “ novation” till ! t seemed out of Joynt, And put defendant sorely through his paces. About that dog, which someone had purloined. And never paid the price, some three pounds ten. He would appeal, and bring it on again.
Then “ costs” arose, with horrid front, And Branson argued he must have ’em all. Professional and other fees, as he is wont. For he can swallow ’em both great and small. He said “ fees always relish nonsuit point ; But half-a-guinea’s such a little haul.” His Worship said, “ Then that is all you’ll get So wc all vanished then to have a wet.
But as we travelled on the track for beer A rumor came, before which laughter fled. The dog was dead. His death was very queer — For he had eaten oft his puzzled head. Eight bob a week appeared to him so dear For his poor keep ; and then his dread Of law and auctions broke his heart. He barked, and said, “ Go, bring the coroner when I am dead. ” Chispa.
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CHISPA’S LETTER., Ashburton Guardian, Volume 1, Issue 95, 4 May 1880
CHISPA’S LETTER. Ashburton Guardian, Volume 1, Issue 95, 4 May 1880
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