Page 4 Advertisements Column 5

Star (Christchurch), Issue 3561, 9 September 1879, Page 4

' -tiusiness Notices. RESUSCITATION OF TUB LONG-MOULDERING DISEASE A»U DEATH-DESTROYER LOST! LOST! LOST! LOST! nr NOAH'S ARK AT THB TIMB 07 ZHB GREAT FLOOD ! Startling Delusions ! JTROPESSOR GrUSSOOTT, The Renowned HERBALIST AND CHIROPODIST, HAS Recently awakened to the fact of his being Under a painful delusion, lie has all through life been taught that the love of life is Btrong in every individual ; that under its influence persons will have recourso to (ho most costly means to keep themselves alive. Houowat knew this, and so, with a box of pellets and a jar of grease, ho has made a fortune. That preparation oi Cocklb's, swallowed bo largely by a public eager to livo, has also made its owner a fortune. People will lire, they say, and bo fortunes haTe been made, and are yet being made, easily. As all medicines advertised art positive cures, the public, of course, buj them. NOW COMES THE PROBLEM. If all these Medicines, compounded of buol curious and unpronouncablo materials, cun all those to n horn they are administered, ther there is nothing left for PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT, but to KILL, which he must do on a large scale, as HIS At EDICINES ARE EAGERLY SOUGHT AFTER, and are to be SEEN ir EVERY HOUSE. The Professor has concluded that the ole theory that PEOPLE WANr TO LIVE » FALSE, and their applyiug to him for Un means to quit the scene in sucl- large numbers is the best proof the public tan have of th< correctness of hia concluskme. What astonishes him most is the fa^fc thai cures are effected of (ho most fflalignani diseases, and of every* variety of such un expected remedies, as "Mineral Poisons,' Jars of Scentod Grease, and Solutions oi Epsom Salts, coloured with chalk, and ecentec with Peppermint, the virtues of which hav< been sung by tho Wild Children of th< Forest, and applauded by the learned in oui Colleges. While his KILLING should bi effected by THE BEST HERBS, directly imported from the best houses ir America, nor is he less surprised that people should come to have WARTS AND CORNS EXTRACTED, without undergoing any pain, when they car have them burnt off ' by Caustic and Blue Stone, as the horse-shoer burns off the superfluous portion of tho animal's hoof. The Professor is perfectly astonished at the ways of the world, and ho is resolved, if the people mean to die, to dispense the means of their doing so, as on their own heads, and not on his, will the responsibility lay. |£P- OWING TO THE INCESSANT DRAIN ON HIS STRENGTH, by attending to tho call of so many in tho district THE PROFESSOR, Has taken himself to Makchebteb Steeet, CnniSTOnrrEOH (Opposite Laurie's Timber Yard), Where, in the quiet seclusion of hia PaiTATB HooM, ho will try to recruit his Btrength. If people will persist in following him, and are wishful to pull him down with themselves, thoy will find it NECESSARY NOT TC BREAK IN THE DOOR OF HIS ROOM nor KICK AT THE WALLS, until thej awaken the whole street in their efforts tc make him hear. IMPORTANT DISCOVERY!! GREAT DIBCOVERY ! Pbopkssob Gusscott, Herbalist, Chiropodist, and Curer of Diseasesi n General, begs to inform the residents of Dunedin, that lie possesses the secret of a Gkeat Discoveb? which has enabled him to obtain Signal Victories over the greatest enemies of man. Philosophers are agreed that Naturo is pregnant with secrets which, if known, would Cure Life of all its Ills. Disease is a prolific parent of ills — a "monster" which has more than matched tho learning and skill of centuries. Doctors have claimed the exclusivo right to deal with diseases, and they have bo conspicuously failed as to become proverbial. Napoleon Buonnparto summed up the results of their skill as inimical to Mankind, and as a rule he carefully avoided both Doctors and their Drugs. Tho imperious Corsican, however, could only speak from the past and from what ho observed. He had no idea that in the f ul'nesfc of time there would arise one Pkofbssob Gusscott, whose skill so omnipotent in tiefng Jiseasc, would be tho wonder of his age. The Professor, after years of research, in which Nature's repository wag ransacked, at length discovered the Kino of Pain, and tho secret of destroying those monsters which make " wretched so many of his race. Armed with the darts of Science, dipped in Herbal Juices, the Professor, like the chivalrous knights of feudal times, enters tho arena where tho monsters of disease love to revel— and now behold him! See the serenity with wlu'ch confidence invests him ! There, feasting on its victims — whose sufferings are hellish— in Dyspepsia and its loathsome brood, whose name is legion. There is Fever, breathing its fiery blast through the veins of tho helpless babe. There Consumption, like tho fabled Vulture of the Ancients, is eating out the vital organs of its victim, whilo, with deceitful breath, it promises him life. There is Cholera, fastened on tho strong and robust, cramping them in convulsive agonies. While mingled in inextricable confusion, are Disease Fiends of every shape, making the scone hideous with their infernal work. Now the Professor advances, and now his enemies recoil, as ono by one they receive a thrust until the kßt dies — tho oppressive stillness of the scene, proclaiming the omnipotence of Pbofessob Gusscott. The fame of the Professor ib abroad throughout the land. THE PROFESSOR MAT BB SEEN AT MANCHESTER STREET, And ho will recommend his TONIC! As tho greatest destroyor, not ot MAN AND WOMAN, That the World has ever seen. Ladies and Gentlembn— Don't misunderstand the Professor, his Medicine kills Disease, whilo tho Pills and Grease, the Mineral Poison, tho Epsom Salts, and Chalk Water, fatten Disease. %• Don't Foegbt— PROFESSOR GUSSCOTT'S RENOWNED TONIC! Mado from the best American Herbs, Discovered by Adam and Evb in the Garden of Eden, by which they were cured when seriously ill from eating apples, and handed down through all the mafe branches of the family until it reached Porfessor Gusscott, who is a child of the good old pair. Don't mistftko tho Addreos— MANCHESTER STREET (Opposite laurie'fl Timber Yard).