SHORT STORIES.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume I, Issue 272, 21 December 1914, Page 11

SHORT STORIES.

AUGUSTUS AND THE COWS. [COPYRIGHT.]

[By Arthur A. Lodge.]

Augustus took a last long look at his portly form in the wardrobe mirror, gave .a grunt of satisfaction, and, buttoning his light Md gloves, descended the stairs. He paused on the front door step, to east an enquiring glance at the fleecy heavens; but no danger threatened his fine raiment from that quarter. Nature herself was in her best attire, and Augustus had a feeling of oneness with the beautiful spring •world; his soul was uplifted and filled ■with an almost devotional joy. He felt that in his hand had been placed the keys of Elysium, wherein he would presently enter, and close its doors against the material world without. Not that he wanted the whole place to himself —no. Fond as he was of his own society, there were generous moments when he longed to share its pleasures with another, and it was to this gracious end that he now wended his way towards the home of Cecilia Maud. .He walked quickly, but his thoughts keptvwell ahead. He saw himself with the fair Cecilia at his side, wandering through groves and meadows, and rashly exchanging lovers' confidences by the gossiping brook. What, an unsullied soul he had; how lofty were his ideals; how pure and pastoral his dreams of happiness. And how well the old suit had been cleaned. That crease down the trousers was surely a perfect miracle of restorative art. Even here, in the broad sunlight, and to an eye rendered acute by knowledge; Augustus felt that his suit looked abso : lutely new. - ~ *

His gold-headed cane was a present from Cecilia Maud; also his silverplated cigar case. He selected a cigar from the latter, and, along with its fragrant fumes, inhaled a spirit of even sweeter content. He had to cross through a somewhat poorer part of the town to reach the shrine of his beloved, and here, in spite of the clear perfection above and around, the streets were sloppy. Augustus walked briskly on, dodging the puddles with his new tan shoes, and taking swift glances at his immaculate outfit in ;the shop windows. Before branching off the main road he noticed,, but only in a casual way, that a herd of cattle—if anything so disconnected could be called a herd —was jogging along in the same direction as himself; an unkempt, distracted-looking man being more or less in command at the rear. The herd consistedof' eleven eows —eleven suspicious, undecided eows. In twehty . yards, however, Augustus would* fen/'off down Merryday Street, and this leading to the purely residential part of the suburb, he had good right to conclude that he and the cows .would soon part'company. "They won't be going my way,' ? he said to himself> but.in this the wish iwas father to the thought. Augustus ,-jiad been denied the gift of true prophecy. The turning point came—it' was one in his career had he only known—and with a superb twist of his cane Augustus swung round the bend; v He gave a passing glance at the cows out of the corner of his eye as he did so, and saw that they had crowded together in momentary hesitation as to which was their wrong' direction. • Then they decided, unanimously, in favour of Merryiay Street. It;was the first manoeuvre in •which; they had used co-operation, but Merryday Street was so obviously the way they would not be required to go that the fact must have struck each bovine brain simultaneously, and with the yells, of the unkempt one in. their ears, they jostled round after Augustus in a furious stampede. That the driver was angry was not. a matter for remarks, but he seemed surprised as well; a clear indication that cow-driving was not his regular trade. He called fiercely upon casual passersby for assistance, and tried to attack the offending animals on every side at once. His object seemed to be to cut off their advance by surrounding them. Augustus felt qualms of trepidation, and so did the cows.

They'pashed him with a rush, eyeing him with nervous suspicion as a possible thwarter of their tactics, and,. as they crowded past, Augustus drew himself in towards the dirty wall. It was a black, wet,, oozy kind of wall, and, Augustus, while seeking its shelter, cast an uneasy eye upon its outward defects.

The unkempt one, yelling louder than a tribe of Indians, tore to the front, and by flourishing his stick at the leader, and making practical as well as demonstrative use of it, induced the erring drove to retrace their steps." Now cows, when they do realise that a command has to be obeyed, obey it with startling suddenness and unanimity. These pranced around in 11 varieties of awkward confusion, climbing over one another in their mad haste, and evidently under the impression that it mattered little what they did. so long as they did it quickly. And here the catastrophe occurred*,. The drover's cries for help had at last pierced to the heart of a chance loafer, who, with apparently many years of inaction to retrieve, made a wild unstrategic onslaught on the right flank of the enemy, mingling the sound of a hoarse, reedy voice with the earnest tones of the com-mander-in-chief. It was an anxious moment for them all ~-cows, drover, loafer, and Augustus; in fact, as concerns the last, for half a minute past and future were annihilated, and he lived absolutely in the present. He uttered a cry, and, regardless of his fine plumage, pressed back against the unyielding wall, and the cows jostled past him at an even more hair-raising speed than before, snorting, as they did so, in a perfect abandon of terror and dismay.

I have said Augustus was stout, and as the first cow cannoned off him into the road he gave a great gasp, and lost his breath, and his hat, and his self-respect; his head he had lost some moments before. He held himself in for the second impact, which left him a quivering heap of blank, unreasoning humanity. The third cow had put an unwary hoof through his hat, and was bungling, away with it firmly secured round its shank; it was the sight of this that brought about a partial resuscitation. Dazed and frightened as' he was, some latent sense of injury stirred within him, and caused him to get a firmer grasp of his stick, though it was not until the drover was abreast of him that he realised his own motive in doing so. Even then it was doubtless some inner working of his disordered mind that goaded him to fling himself fiercely upon the harassed drover, and belabour him in a wild access of fury. Had the man been about to apologise for the damage done to the feelings and person of Augustus, sueh apology was of course frozen in the bud, and a short, but very exciting, bout of single-stick ensued. Augustus once more coming off second best. Then the climax came —the grand finale to which our hero's unlucky stars had been.so assiduously working up. It came in a pleasant outward shape, and it tripped along in dainty shoes, shielding a pretty hat, and a prettier face, beneath a piquant parasol. But this vision, known terrestrially as Cecilia Maud, came to Augustus as the crowning horror of the situation. He would rather a herd of buffaloes had rounded the corner, and his last remnaut of manhood forsaking him, he took to his heels, the infuriated drover hot in his wake.

Ceeilia Maud gave one scream, and stood transfixed. Her hero^—in such a plight I Where was the glamour that had once surrounded him ? The lustre that had shone about his person! J The glory that had transfigured him,? "Alas) The cows had subbed it all off. r It was a little hard on Ceeilia Maud, because, as she had often told Augustus, if there was one picturesque hero in particular that appealed to her imagination it was a toreador. Of course, whatever he had done before, Augustus knew now that this was a profession for which he was not cut out, and, with a little assistance from the young lady herself, he broke off their engagement. Then, with a new hat, and to all appearances a new suit —dry-clean-ing is a wonderful art! —he went abroad, and partly, it is to be feared, in a spirit of revenge, made a fortune out of potted ■beef. Then he came back, and took '.Cecilia Maud for the walk which the eows had postponed, and a diamond ring, which had not since been worn, found its way back to the finger for which it was originally bought. • It is believed that when they are marVied they will keep a tactful silence concerning a certain episode, she keeping a firm guard over her tongue, and he, so far jas he is. able, keeping a firmer over his memory. But whatever else they keep, they won't keep a cow.