THE PASSING SHOW-UP.

Sun (Christchurch), Volume I, Issue 247, 21 November 1914, Page 2

THE PASSING SHOW-UP.

(By "KUSCOBIN" of the Sydney "Bulletin.")

I've just been glancing through the 300 pages of "Prohibition Advance in All Lands," by Guy Hayler, president of the International Prohibition Confederation. It is interesting to learn to what lengths the Cold Water Crank will ride his hobby horse. He even drags in poor isolated Thibet to point | his moral. Thibet is that pleasant snow covered spot where the Sacred Lamas hang out. His hope is that here "the '■ old order of Prohibition may be maintained. " ' Next he deplores that the Siamese pay homage to spirits and demons by drinking a large quantity of intoxicatiug liquors, but is delighted that those cheerful souls, the Cochin Chinese, take the oath by drinking water. It is interesting to learn that the Hon. Rao Bahadur P. Theagaraya Chetty, of Madras, wishes to restrict the quantity of "arrack", to be supplied to''shops during Festival in India, to 50 per cent. One can almost see Mr Hayler blushing with pride as he notes that no Hindoo or Mohammedan worthy of the name will take a bottle into his own home. All "this information is very nice, but what Rearing does it have on Prohibition in New Zealand? We don't want to become as Cochin Chinese or Thibetans or Hindoos or Siamese As long as we were Prohibitionists, Cocker and his crowd wouldn't care if we were Hottentots. A sneaking, whining water scoffing Hottentot is better than a beer drinking Britisher*any day, so the Prohboozers hold.

I DEY CANTEENS. j We read the other day that the Aus[tralian Minister of Defence had ruled the regimental canteens "dry." Here is an extract from-an Australian's letter ! bearing - ; upon this matter:—:'' At the Kensington Camp, where the First and Second Infantry Brigades were under canvas, many eases/of men imbibing-mot wisely but too; well, led to the canteen contractor being given, three hours to ■.clear' but^—lock," Btock, r „and barrel. This action on the part' of" the.. O.C. nearly led to a.mutiny among the men,' and the guard tent' iva.f'£ or days afterwards taxed to its, titmost capacity to contain those Who/ had gone out an4,got it on their: own. The moderate drinkers also grumbled at being deprived of their daily glass of ale, and In the' end the canteen was restored under certain ".restrictions. "The'dry" canteen on sea or land does not appeal to the ordinary fighting man. As one of them put it recently, "We aren't going to the war for the good of our health, and certainly not for the good of our pockets. . . .if a man is accustomed to his glass of beer each morning and night, ne'll go oft" colour without it. We are going to fight Germans, and they 've been brought up on beer. So have Englishmen. English and Germans are the best fighters in the world, and it's the Strengthening properties of beer, so the doctor told - me, that made them what they are. And now we have our beer knocked off because a few people (Who take precious good, care not to go to the.front, but stay at home and pass resolutions), who don't know how good beer is, say it. is .sinful to drink it, and are bringingpressure to bear on the Government to prevent us from drinking it. Why can't they mind their own business?" Why can't they? It's the.one thing they can't do.

SMUGGLING. Consider the of smuggling liquor into the Dominion—what is the little bill going to amount to yearly to prevent this at all effectively? The const line of 1 New Zealand- measures 4330 miles.. In Great Britain it was found necessary to have two coastguards for every five miles of seafront. Allowing that We could makeshift with two men for every ten miles, this would require the constant employment of 2598 coastguards, each doing eight-hour watches. • Blockhouses and - dwellings would have to be built- all along the coast, a commissariat department organised with food centres in each patrol; district, a transport service for the distribution of rations, an army of inspectors and sub-inspectors to officer the districts, school arrangements made for the children of patrols in out-of-the-way parts of the eoast,\ and a score more details provided for from the public revenue. Not only this, but any coastguard system would need to be supplemented by a fleet of vessels patrolling the coastal waters. We may assume that four craft would serve this purpose, and not only would there be their capital cost, and the interest upon it, but the manning of the ships would also be a charge against the revenue. Add to all this, the cost of sly-grog prevention in inland parts—wouldn't it be a nice little National Bill for the people to foot?

MAKE US MOHAMMEDANS. The Cold Water Crank dearly loves the Turk. To Abdul the Damned they would almost kneel down and worship. The Stilton is the wowser ideal. Mohammed was a ruler beyond all reproach. We learn this, not directly from the mouth of Stiggins, but by his expressed admiration of the cold water apotheosis, so perfectly met in the followers of the prophet. For the Turk—dear, delightful fellow that he is—doesn't, touch the cursed drink; with averted eyes he flees from the cheering bowl and makes a bee-line for the harem or the Haschisch pipe. If we want to make the Dominion a real wowser's Paradise, our wisest plan would be to turn it into another Turkey right away to bring up ship-loads of Pashas and Sultanas and Beys, and; all the other Mohammedan rabble. This

would give practical effect to the Cold Water cause, and just wouldn't our own wowsers have no end of a good time peeping throxigh harem keyholes and thanking Mohammed that New Zealand was at last cleansed from Liquor! With Auckland as another Mecca, and Dunedin made Medina-like, with Christchurch renamed Mohammed Mosque, and Wellington changed to Veyrout, with Massey Bey and Ward Pasha kneeling to the Muezzin Call, what time Parliament was being drowned in sacks in the harbour, just wouldn't everything be Moslem.in this best of all wowser worlds? But, dear, O, dear, what would the poor, meddling, bewhiskered wowser do with himself? Arrayed like a rhubarb in a Turkish fez, with the flowing garments wrapjied in sheeted folds about his knock-kneed shanks, with his red, dyspeptic nose like to a-tower gazing unto Damascus, he could hie him to the nearest Ginger-beer Groggery and pray to Mohammed with nasal fervour for new mudholes to puddle in, new matters to meddle with, new errors-to set right. But, alas! if the Alien Restriction Act prevents Mohammed coming to the wowser of the Dominion, let the wowser go to Mohammed. Mohammed's welcome to him, as keyhole expert to the Ottoman Empire, he'd be in his glorv. Allah, Allah, Allah! Rest his soul 1 Allah is great, and Stiggins is his prophet.

A COMPARISON. 1 have just killed a large-scraggy-whis-kered wowser. He looked over my shoulder as I sat on the tram /eading the lack of war news, and said: "A great nation, the Belgians. Friend, a noble example to all Ker-istianity." I let it go at that, but he came back: "I see the, Turks are in—an accursed race." " Yes, "I agreed. "A dirty, anti-liquor, hypocritical, conglomeration. Nothing like the joy-riding, beer-guzzilng Belgians." The wowser looked reproachfully at me. "It is a poor return for all that brave little people have done for lis, friend, t6 mis-call them beer-guzzlers." "Brother," I replied, "if you will come with me I will prove to you that they guzzle twice as much beer per head of population as any other European people. If I can't I'll put £5 in the church plate you. nominate." (I hadn't £5, but I knew a bookmaker I could borrow it from.) The upshot of it was that we obtained the New South Wales Year Book (1913) at the Public Library, and this is part of what we flaw ii-. — :

Just before he expired I hissed into his whiskers: '■' Australia, .95, .93, 13.2." Then I hid the body carefully behind the shelf whereon reposed the works of Mrs Hemans. I knew it was safe, there. — f The Snake,' v ifl the Sydney « ' Bulletin.'' (Published by Arrangement.)

: Spirits. Wine. Beer. Gals. Gals. Gals. Germany ;. .. 1,58 .97 22.0

France 1.82 32.80* 7.9 Britain .. .67 .25 26.8 Belgium .. 1.03 , .1.01 .47.0