FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2722, 16 May 1906, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— Few of us woidd reach perfection if T»e followed the advice we give others. -r-Tiine sets his chisel a little deeper every time there is a frown upon your face.

— After a woman has had five or six children, she Jsn't likely to insist on calling any of the future ones Claude or Vivian. — Mary: "They issued 150 wedding invitations." Jane: "Did they get many valuable presents?" Mary: "No; they barely made expenses.'* — She;. "Why are so many more engagements made in summer than in winter?" He: "Because a girl is moiv apt to melt 'iii summer time, I .suppose !" — Two Views. — Molly: "She told me in confidence that the way he makes love is absurd." Mildred: "Yes; but the way he makes money isn't." - . — Beautiful -Widow: "Do you know, I ■ &m 40 years old to-day!" Gallant Bachelor: "Madam, to roe you are just 2C. I never believe more than half of what- I bear." —"I am sorry," said the doctor, ' but your little girl will not be able to speak for- several clays !"— " Then it. will be safe," Baid fee anxious mother, "for me to invite • the minister to tea, won't it?" ) — -Much Better. — The hostess had l>een tryin^-jn vain to coax a young, lady to sicg. "What do yon think' of a. girl' who cansing* "'and' won't?' she asked a tachelor guest.— "I think,'? he replied, "that ehe's worth a- - girls who can't sing but will."; . : —A little' sto-.-y is told of at kdy who. ■while 'making a- visit of several wefks, said • to Tier hostess, as the time of her departure ; drew near; "I think that the nicest thing about making a visit is the returning to occ's home, where- you can do just as you please again." — "Now, boys." said a Sunday school teacher, addressing the juvenile class, "can any of you tell me anything about Good Friday?"— " Yes, ma'am, I can," replied the boy at the foot of the class "He was the fellow that done the housework for Kobirison 'Crusoe !" —Her Father: "But, my boy, truly you arc too young to marry Aureiia. How old are you?" Her Suitor: "One-and-twenty, sir." Her Father: "And she is 27— too great a disparity. Why not wait half a dozen yeai-s? Then you'll be 27. and she'll piobably be just the sarpe age as you." — Patient (to prttfcy nurse): "Will you b.-i my wife when I recover?" Pretty Nurse: "Certainly." Patient: "Then you lev© me?" Pretty Nurse: "Oh, no; that's merely a part of the treatment. I must keep my patients cheerful. I promised this morning to mn away with a married man who had lost both his legs." — "When you know that a man is a devotee of golf, said the enthusiastic colfer, "you cap be absolutely certain of his mental calibre, and be assured " "Oh, come, I wouldn't say that," replied the plain man. "I don't doubt that 6ome men play golf who are *eally quite sensible." '— ; 'Mrs A. (before, the full-lerigth portrait of a '«irlj : "Oh. 'if I only knew the painter of this !" • Artist, (stepping forward jcyfully) : "Permit me. madam, to introduce myself as the painter." Mrs A. : "What extraordinary good luck ! Now, "you wili 'tell .me, won't you. the, tddrois of the dressmaker who " made this girl's frock?" • • j — A teacher was giving a lesson on Elijah's cehtest with the prophets of Baal. "And why," ho asked, "<lid Elijah pour water over the altar and. the bullock?" This wa? a poeer, but a little boy at tl.o book put up his hand tentatively. "Well, Tommy, and what do you think?"' — "Please, si r ," replied Tommy, "to mako the- gravy." — A clergyman who was holding a children's service at a Continental winter resort had occasion to cateehiee his hearers gn the parable of the Unjust Steward. "What is a steward?" he asked. A little toy, who had a*rjved from England a few days before, held up his hand. """He is a man, 6ir," he replied, with a reminiscent look on ; iis face, "who brings you a basin!" — One of the finest collections of stuffed birds -n America is in the Philadelphia Academy of Natural Sciences. A cortain ;_, millionaire was examining the oolleetbn j in the company of the curator. "Yes." i said the curator, "this collection of stuffed ; birds is worth . thousands and thousands of dollars.' 1—"Is1 — "Is that, so" said the million.- ' aire. "Why, what are they stuffed with?** — "May I ask what is going on in the village?" inquired the observant stranger. "We're celebrating the birthday of the j oldest inhabitant, sir," replied the native. • '•She's 101 to-day, sir?"— " And tell me, ,uay, who is that little man with the dreadfully sad countpnanoe who walks by the old lady's side?" — "That's her son-in-law, sir. He's been keeping up her life insurance for the last 30 years." ■— One 'day as a train pulled up at a little station of a rnc&fe depressing town in a roost dreary district of the country a 'passenger, thrusting his head out of a carriage window, askod of a dojected-!ook- ; ing citizen who was leaning against tho station door: "'Tell mo, what do you call this dried-up, dreary, ordinary, low-down iplacs?" — "That's near enough, sir," replied tho native, in a melancholy voice. "Let it go at that." — A party of sailors once had a parrot. but it learned to swear in such a ready manner that it shocked every resppctable person who came near it. The cap! am said that every time the parrot swore he would take it out of its cage and dip it into a bucket of water. One day the captain happened to fall overboard, and came on. board dripping wet. The parrot eyed him carefully for a moment, and then exclaimed: "Ah, have you been swearing?*' — A stout old^ country lady, with a large parcel, got into a first-cla*s carriage in Scotland. She was shabbily dressed. A j .porter came to thz window and asked, "Are you first class, ma'am': 1 ' — "Weel, I'm ; not exactly first class, but I'm pretty well considerih', thank you," replied the cd lady. -As the train slowly moved out of 4he- station ehe- added to iier fellow-pas-sengers: ""They say a great dale ag'inst them porters^bujfc that's a nice ceevil-spoken young man, onyway." - j -_ — A handsome and daintily-dressed young ladj was walking down Church street the j other day, followed l>v a dor. Tho parapet being somewhat crowded caused j *ho dog to get some distance away from . ita mistress. Fearing it would lose sight j of her, she called, "Come along, sir." A ' ■would-be wit standing by stepped up to iier side, and. raising his hat. said, "Certainly, miss.'"— "Oh !' she exclaimed, as ter pet came running up, "you have made , mistake. This is the puppy I called I"