EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2237, 14 January 1897, Page 52

EDITOR'S WALLET.

Wot Understood— the Tale of a Monkey. Three of m were sitting in the most comfortable window of a olub in Piccadilly watching the tide roll by. Two of us were the guests of the major ; the third man was the major. He had been telling us about several narrow escapes that be had had in the late Brazilian oivil war, and had ordered a fresh supply. The latter was brought to us by & waiter who bore a striking but uncomplimentary resemblance to Sally, I who died not long ago at the Zoo. I said as much. The major coughed slightly, and we' knew at once that ha was on a fresh scent. Having carefully dried his moustache and placed the empty glass upon a table, he took two or three pulls at his oigar and said in bis usual drawling way : "Did I ever tell you what beoame of Edwin ? " Both of us werd in the dark regarding the identity of Edwin, so we answered in the negative. '• There never wa« his equal in my opinion," began the major. •• I bought him at Rio early last year from an intoxicated sailor for a sovereign. His eyes were like two chocolates in a bowl of milk, and his coat was so thick and soft that it would make a sealskin jaoket turn rusty with envy. He was the fiaest monkey I ever saw, and he picked up more knowledge of human nature in three months than a boy would in 15 years. He taught the sailors a thing or two coming home ou the ship, but he didn't blossom in his full strength until he had been in London for a few days. : " Upon landing I took Edwin to my rooms. ; They were largo and, up to tha"; time, I thought were furnished in good style. There must have been something lacking, however, for whenever I went out Edwin prooeeded to rearrange matters to suit his own barbaric taste. He took i a dislike to my man, but how ha discovered | that the man was born in Argentina is beyond me. The man seemed to have no particular liking for him, but that may have been beo&ase j Edwin bib him in two or three tender spots, i trad almost succeeded one day in chewing off the j first joint of the forefinger of his right hand. j " A friend of mine dropped in one d»y when Edwin was on hit good behaviour, and was so ; pleased with the monk that he asked permis- i eion to take him to his rooms, which were in the lame building. I had no objection, bo the two went off together. He brought him biek in about 15 minutes and asked me if I held myself reponsible for any damage committed by the brute. That is what he called him. The moment he saw me Edwin jumped into my lap and began to tell ms in his own way that he had been grossly insulted. After chaining him up j to the leg of a table I went to look at my friend's rooms. In his parlour there was a glais chandelier—one »f those dangerous bits of furniture, with about a thousand pendants. | Most of the pendants were scattered about the ' floor. His story was that as coon as Edwin saw the chandelier he made a dash for it and landed at the first attempt. With that ignorance of the monkey character which is so widespread j he thought the way to dislodge the monkey was to throw books at him. Ho didn't say so, but I j know that none of the books struck the monk, and that all of them struck the ohandelier. j " When he grew tired of the chandelier Edwin jumped from it to one ok the pioture? on the wall. He went round the room by means of the pictures, and only dropped because he could not get grip enough on the wall paper. I have seen some wrecks, including a large number of my j acquaintance, bat I never saw a more finished wreok than that room. Still my mood did not goincide with that of the owner, and since then his manner has been rather distant. I found Edwin too full ef animal spirits for apartments, f o I took him to the shop of * bird man in Bevoa Dial*. I told him to be careful of the monk, »s he was delicate as well as highspirited. He laughed, and. said he knew all about monkeys. " Before I left I saw Edwin placed in a large wooden cage and employing himself busily in trying to bite the bars in two. That was on a Saturday. On Monday I met a man whom I hadn't seen for a year. The first thing he said' was, ' Have you brought me a present ? ' All at once it flashed upon me that I had promised him one, and then I thought of the monk. ' Certainly I have, 1 1 said. He simply beamed. Poor chap, he's dead now, but you all know him as a composer of pretfcy music. He had a house Regent's Park way. As soon as I told him that I had a present for him he wanted to know what it was. i "I began to pronounce a eulogy on Edwin. He was delighted, and said he'd get him at ! onoe and take him home in a cab. He wanted ! me to go with him, but I was afraid that something might have happened, and said I was in too much of a hurry, so I gave him an order for [ Edwin and disappeared. I heard afterwards that the bird man refused to give Edwiu up unless in exchange for a five-pound note. It seems that the bird man did not visit his shop from Sunday morning until Monday morning. In his menagerie was a parrot with a very fine flow of language. Some time on Sunday this parrot opened on Edwin and said things to him that no self-respecting monkey could be expected to stand. So Edwin chewed the bars of his cage asunder, climbed up to where the parrot's cage was, stuok one arm through the bars, grasped the parrot by the neok, and wrenched its head off. Of course, there w*s the very dickens to pay in the bird shop during this little operation, but as there was nobody to interfere the monkey remained lord of all he surveyed, and threw the wtible menagerie into convulsions at intervals of five minutes. My friend took Edwin home with him in a cab. He was a brave man, for the wreck of the bird man's shop only amused him, and all the way home he laughed and patted Edwin's head, until Edwin contracted a headache and bit his new owner's right thumb to the bone. That created a momentary coolness, bub my friend had gone boo far to back out, so he finally arrived at his house. He took Edwin into the basement and chained him to a leg of a kitchen table. The cook threatened to leave on the spot, expressing the opinion that the ' baste would be sure to bite her.' My friend merely laughed, but the cook was a. mind reader. "As soonas the family leftthe kifcohen the cook

took a rolling-pin in her right hand and informed Bdwin that if he so muoh as looked at her she would smush his head into a pulp. Tbe intelligent monk grinned. Of course a monk cannot grin without showing his teeth. The moment his ivories were revealed the cook dropped the rolling-pin and made a spring for the door. She was agile, but not so agile as Edwin, for he gripped her by the left ankle. This was followed by a femxle Milesian yell that made the plaster on the walls shudder. Edwin hung on until the whole family had assembled. Then he let go, and looked as innocent and as pleated as a two-year-old with a rubber tube in its mouth. " My friend had lef b the house, but his better half said she was certain the monk would feel more at home in the parlour. Edwin was taken to the parlour. There was a large and haughty Maltese cat there. Edwin made a dive for her. The cat did not wait ; she jumped upon tho i piano. So did Edwin. She flew around the , room at the rate of 90 miles an hour. Edwin ! was always olose behind. Suddenly, and as a I lasb resource, she flew out of the window — it was I upon tho flrsh floor and sho knew her way. Edwin fltm out «f the same window. He did not know his way, and dropped upon the glasa roof of the conservatory. He was heavier than the glass, and found bis level on the potted scarlet geraniums. None of the family cared to enter the conservatory ,"bo Edwin ate some of the plants and destroyed the remainder. •• The next morniDg my friend wenf; to the Zoo and told the superiatpndant that he desired to present the society nibb a handsome Brazilian monkey. Two keepers were sent to his house. They took Edwin away with them, and he was placed in one of the large cages in the monkey house at tbe Zoo. In the nexi; cage to him wai a monkey who had lost tho l**»t joint of his tail, 'fhe end was therefore very tender, and he took great c»ro of it. On th>* third day this monkey w«s rash enough to Bit where the tender end of h's tail shuck through the uefcting iuto Edwin' 6 cage. Edwin waited until a fnll inoh of the tail was inside his cage. Then he made a spring, and before the other monk knew what was about to happen Edwin had gripped the tender end batweeu his teeth. There was a scream that mad» every monk in the house fall off his perch. Of course the keepers soon rushed upon the scene. Nothing except a blow that knooked him unconscious would make Edwiu let go. Then he was taken from the cage, and the monkey-house knew him no mere. " Whether he died from thu effects of the blow or was poisoned to prevent further scandal I do not know. But I wish," added the major, " they had aawd his skin. It would have made a handsome collar for a winter overcoat." — Pall Mall Gazette.

His Day Off. " Young feller," said tha man with the bow clothes and tbe bowed bick and horny hands of a farmer to the restaurant waiter, "have you goh beefsteak an' onions and green* here P Au' pea soup P An' brown bread ? An' can I eat with & knife if I want to, and take my coat off?" The waiter told him he could be accommodated in all particulars. Tbe ex-farmer removed bis co\t and sat down opposite a man who looked as if ho might be willing to listen and explained : "It's been two year now," said he, "since my wife's undo left her mil his woney, and I aiu't had » square meal aiuce. Been fllliu' up on patty der foy grass, coofUy de what-you-may-oall-it, an' all them French dishes ever since. That's want comes of marryin' a woman who believes in keepin' up with tbe percesiion when you got the price, as she puts it." " I should think you would have rebelled long ago," said the listener. "So I would ; but, you see, about three years ago I was so deep in debt that I had to put the farm in her name. I sneaked away tc-day, an' left her at one of them flue hotels. I'm going to have a orgie of old-fasbioned vittles, beef an' onions, an' inobbe a beer or tiro, an' go back an' tell her wh&c I've did, an' if oho wants to git a divorce she can git it and welcome. I tell you, I'll have one d&y of freedom for a few glorious hour* anyway ! "

One for Him. It is told of Count Tolstoi that one day, while passing aloug a utreet in Moscow, he saw a gorodovoy (policeman) ill-use a drunken man whom he was taking to tbe lock-up. Tolstoi indignantly stopped him and said : " Can you read ?" " Yes," answered the other. " Have you read tho Gospels ? " " Yea." " Then you ought to know that you must not ill-treat your fellow mau." The official took stock of the modest attire of the great novelist, and inquired in his turn : " Are you a bit of ft scholur ? " "Yes," replied the Count. " Have you read the instructions to polioemen ? " "No." "Ah ! Just you read them through, and then we will have some farther talk."

Establishing an Acquaintance. A little Irishman smoking a short olny pipe entered a crowds d publichonse, walked up to the bar, elbowed several customers aside,- took a match from the match-stand on the counter, lit his pipe, and then walked out without a word. The astonished barman gaztd after him in amazement and audibly "wondered who he was. The very next morning the Irishman walked into the same place, made his w*y to the counter, lib his black pipe, and started out again. As the little man reached the door, the barman recovered his voioe sufficiently to call out: " I say I who are you ? " The Irishman turned round and said i "You know mo." Then he walked out. The barman said that he would lie in wait for the intruder the next day. At about the same hour he reappeared, helped himself to a match as usual, and lit his short pipe. He was about to turn away, when someone grabbed him by the lapel of his coat. "Who are you now?" demanded the barman. " Oh, you know ma," replied the little Irishman. " No, I don't," said tho man in the white apron. " Who are you ? " " Why," waß the cool reply, " I'm the man that comes in here to light his poipe ivery marnin'."

How the Admiral Managed. A well-known naval dignitary has a beautiful daughter. A certain young ensign, with no resources but his slender salary, fell in love with her, and asked the old gentleman for her hand. The father at once taxed him with the fact that he had only bis salary — hardly enough to keep him in white gloves and to burnish his brass buttons. "Well, Mr Admiral, what you say is true; but when you married you were only a midshipman, with even a smaller salary than mine. How did you geb along P" asked the ensign,

1 T who believed he had the most diplomatic of 3 defences. But not so. The orafty old sea-dog - thundered forth : • ■ < t> " I lived on myfather-fn-law for the first ten b years, bat I'll be hanged if you're going to do » it I "

I Where Do They All Go? 1 The first tacks ware mad* by hand. The operator used a vyce and diei. A bib of metal > was held by a damp, and the head was made by striking a blow with a hammer. Later on 1 machinery began to be uted, and now metal is fed into an enormous apparatus that will cut 1 out nearly 300 tacks a minute. i The processes are extremely interesting, and a tack faotory has many visitors. Tho machinery j is automatic; narrow strips of steel are fed in and clipped off ; the heads are mada by pressure, and it literally rains tacks into large boxes > placed underneath to receive them. They are then poured into a rattler, which is & rapidly ■ revolving cylinder, through which a jet of air > is forced under high pressure. This removes all of the dust and loose partioles. Black lead is sometimes put in to give them a polish, and than they pass on to the sifter, whioh sorts them and takes out the imperfect tacks, leaving the good ones to be passed on and 1 dropped into a box, from which they are taken •! to be packed. A good workman can pack j 16001b a day.

> A Comfortable Cushion. , - Two f*mbu« scientist! were sent »• Government commissioner* to watch the inquest upon 1 those who had died by an explosion in a (big colliery some time -ago. One of thecommis1 tioners oross-fexamined the witnesses very per- . tinently. Among other questions ho a*ked how , the rate of flow of air-ourrents was measured. An inspector, in reply, took a pinch of gunpowder from a box as if it were snuff, and let it fall through the fl/ime of a candle. 1 His companion, with a watch, noted the time the smoke took to travel a certain distance. 1 The method satisfied the scientist, but he re1 \ marked upon the careless handling of the 1 powder, and asked where it was kept. "In a bag, tightly tied," was the immediate reply. " Yes, but where do you keep the bag ? " "You are sitting on it," answered the inspector carelessly. j The well-meaning people, not being over- ' stocked with chairs, had given the commissioner their best substitute for a cushion. The j scientist's agility in vacating this seat of hononr may be imagined.

Establishing a Fend. A certain couple have a golden-hairtd daughter of about five years of age, whose winning, trustful ways have won the hearts of > about 20 per cent, of the ne : ghb->urs and, , "pity 'tis, 'tit true," alienated the remaining 80. I Her latest exploit has estranged a family with whom h«r parents were on the best of terms, and no amount of explanation will convince them that the remark which caused the mischief originated with the child. One morning whilst at; play a question arose ■ between the oherub in question and a scion of 1 the aforesaid family as iio whioh might be considered the wealthier family. Said the one for theoppouicg side, " My papa keeps « carriage ; yours doesn't ! " [ " No !" retorted the other obild. "Neither j would yours if he didn't half starve the horse to do so ! " and this littU remark of Miss Doro- , thjV being carried home, the lead was estabj lished. .

The Corporal's Sell. One morning a large party of recrnits were > parading for firing in tbe ground? of an inf»Dtry camp in the south of England. While the ■ officer in charge of the company was carrying ( out) the required inspection, he ordered a corporal to go and examine carefully the rifles of the rear rank. The corporal saluted, and went to carry out his officer's command. He soon found a man with a very dirty rifle, and, being a thorough martinet, would listen to no excuse, but hurried tha culprit to the front befote the officer, saying as he did so : "Sir, this man's rifle is in a filthy condition." The lieutenant examined the rifle himself, and a careless glance was quite sufficient to convince him of its disgraceful state. He angrily asked tho man if he was not ashamed of himself, and was about to give him some extra duties, when the man luckily said t 11 1 beg your pardon, sir, but I was in a hurry this morning, and I fetched out the wrong one." "Oh, that's the reason, is it?" said the officer, who was not a bad sort of yovfng fellow. " Corporal, go and find out who owns this rifle, and fetch him up." What was the corporal's chagrin when at last he had to admit that the rifle was his own ! L _

Genius's Playful Ways. It is very probable that some of the Florentine courts of justice still possess reoords of the suits brought against Florentine'eitizen* by the ; impracticable and impulsive English poet, Walter Savage Landor. The first time he appeared, whether as prosecutor or defendant, in the Syndio's court, he stooped to hoist up a haavy bag which he had brought with him, coolly observing that as he knew every man in Florence had his price, here was money to secure judgment on his side. The court, feeling itself outraged beyond endurance, pronounced sentenoe of banishment against him — and he left, not to return to Florence for a time. During part of his residence in Florence, Landor had lived in rooms above those occupied by his friends the Brownings. His dinner used to be sent up to him every day ; and to a man of his vehement temperament dinner was a very im- • j portant event. He would stand, watch in hand, when the hour was approaching, and if the meal was a moment behind time he would seize the dish and hurl its contents out of the window. Robert Browning's son, who was then very young, well remembers seeing a leg of mutton pais the window of his father's room in one of these outbursts. On one occasion, in another place, Landor flung his man-cook out of the window. Then, remembering where the man would fall, the flower-loving poet exclaimed i " Good heavens I I forgot the poor violets I n

Emphatic. The "coloured oitizens" of America have sometimes a gift of language that seems almoib too profuse, and then, again, they will in a word express a great deal. Nearing Cincinnati a gentleman in a train wanted to send a tele* i gram, and asked the negro porter what station I he could despatch one from. " Cincinnati, sah, is the fusb, sah,"'B»id he politely. " D«ar me. Doesn't the train stop this side of there P " queried the passenger impatiently. " Stop, sab. P " said the porter In a tone that meant worlds ; " why, sah, she don't even hesitate."