FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1765, 19 September 1885, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

— At what time was Adam married ? — Oil his wedding Eve. — Why is a horse like an onion ? — Because it does not know its own strength.

— Even a clothes-line becomes unsteady when it has too many sheets in the wind.

— A camel sometimes lives to the age of 100 years. No wonder he has a hump on his back.

— There is numerous individuals in the land who look upon what they haint got az the only thing worth having. — Sober passenger (angrily) : " Look where you step, man !" Tipsy passenger (apologetically) .- " Y-yes, I do ; the trouble is to— hie— step where I look." — Easiest Way to Mark Table-linen. — Leave baby and some blackcurrant jam alone at the table for three minutes.

— Not a bad answer was made by a sportsman returning from the marshes, when asked if he had shot anything. " No," he said, " but I have given the bird a good serenading." — Quoting the vital statistics of a certain town, a newspaper says : "Of the births, seven thousand three hundred and eighty-five were children." — So she gave a prize of something to every single lad, and one — who never studied — took First Prize for being Bad. — A preacher who was not well acquainted with the elocutionary art, placed the inflection on the wrong word, following the literal italic in I Kings, xiii,- 27, aud read : " And he spoke unto his sons, saying, saddle me the ass. And they saddled him." — Forbearance is not always a virtue, even in a clergyman. Imagine the feelings of the rural divine who, after getting 50 cents for marrying a couple, found that the bridegroom had gone off with his new silk hat. — Susan Jane must have been scantily dressed when she was looking out for her lover and sang : He'll come to-night ; the wind's at rest. The moon is full and fair ; I'll wear the dress that pleabed him best — A ribbon in my hair. — An epicure says that in order to. get the true flavour of butter the bread must be put in the mouth with the buttered side down. We suppose that this is not recommended after a slice has fallen on a sanded floor in the position usually called bottom side up. — If you to sec a man struggling to do several things at once, just watch him trying to put on his overcoat and rubbers, and yet keep his head bowed while the minister is pronouncing the benediction. — A Burlington boy, who can imitate a cat to the life, has secured quite a number of boots and shoes, besides other bric-a-brac, this spring, by the exercise of his talents under people's windows after dark. He bupplitss the whole family with footwear. — Two young ladies were talking about a third, who had just become engaged to a widower, who plays the cornet, and has four children. " What could be worse," exclaimed one, " than four children and a cornet ?" " Nothing," said the other, quietly, " except six children and a trombone." — They had had a little party of guests at the house, and he remarked to his wife, as they were getting ready for bed, that he flattered himself that he had acted the part of host in rather a brilliant manner. " I can only recall one brilliant action of yours," she said. "What was that ?" " Lighting the gas." — "Who was that rang the bell, Jane?" asked the lady of the house. "The grocer, mum." "With a bill, I presume?'' ".Yesum." "You told him to come next week?" "Yesum." " What did he say ?" "He said, mum, he had been here a dozen times already, and he wouldn't come again, and to tell you so." " How considerate. I didn't think it of a groceryman." — Sunday-school teacher (who is a barber) to a little boy who is very inattentive to his lesson : "Boy, what are you sitting there thinking about ?" " Man, a wis wonderin' if the like of you it's hauulin' sac niuckle siller coulda get a body a pair of oul pennies it wid dae for pitchin' wi'." — The alphabet is a lively sort of thing when one comes to think of it. The B gathers honey, the C roars, the D flows peacefully through English soils, the I opens and shuts, the J screams and robs the nests of other birds, the P grows up to be boiled, the Q becomes longer as years roll by, the T arrives at maturity in order to be doctored before it is drunk, U knows yourself to be lively. — He Could Not Die. — An old man at Baschurch was very ill, but in no immediate danger of death. However, one day when the curate called, to his great surprise, he found the invalid dead. " Ah, sir," said the old wife, "he tried so hard, but he couldna die ; he tried and tried, but he couldna ; so I got a piece o' tape, and put it round his neck, and drawed it tight, an' he vent off like a lamb ! "—Shropshire Folk-Lore.