FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1650, 7 July 1883, Page 29

FUN AND FANCY.

—Commerce in 1835]: — " Rums is riz; sugars is fell. Figs and paving stones is aa they was." —If you should happen to want your ears pierced just pinch the baby. — Vanderbilt has bunions. A man as rich as he is can have anything. — Toronto News. — A New York girl has made 150,000d01. by a single oil transaction. A can of it exploded and killed her rich aunt. — Boston Star. — Farmers in Manitoba are blasting out their fields and are bringing the frozen lumps into the kitchen to thaw out. They hope to get the soil ready for planting by the 4th of July, i —Placing the " i ;" " United at last !" cried »ie Chicago bride and groom after a long pturtship. ."Untied at last!" cried the Chicago bride and groom after a short matrimony. — At a medical examination a young aspirant for a physician's diploma was asked, " When does mortification ensue ?" " When you propose and'are rejected," was the reply. — While a doctor was visiting a sick woman in Rolandsville, Pa., two children poured out a pint of molasses into a silk hat, which he didn't Notice till he put the tile on his head. — "No, Sir," said- the practical man, "no bric-a-brac on the mantel for me. It's a nuisance. Where's a man to put his feet?" Baltimore News. Oh Excuse me," exclaimed an Arkansas i»an, after he had knocked down a stranger in the street ; " I thought you were a friend of mine. My eyesight is failing me. I;ll have to wear glasses." — A man being asked what he had had for dinner, replied. "A lean wife and the ruin of man for sauce." On being asked for an explanation, it appeared that his dinner consisted of a spare rib of .pork and apple sauce. — " I have no wealth, 1 she said; " I can give you only my hand and heart." And then he thought that if her* heart was as big as her hand, she was indeed wealthy. —Artificial diamonds are made with such perfection that they can scarcely be told from the real gems. The way to test them is to ask the pawnbroker for an advance. — Philadelphia Chronicle-Herald. — -"<Mr Jones," asked Smith of the parson, " don't .you think the wicked will have an opportunity given them in the next world?" " Yes, certainly," replied the parson, " an excellent .opportunity to get warm." — Boston Transcript.. t — An "East End gentleman takes no interest whatever in the prevailing dog show. He says he has one of his own at home. His wife has a temper, and he and the children rarely pass a day without an exhibition of "Ma's 'tiffs." — Doing his Best. — Seene — Schoolroom. — Teacher (who has been out, has suddenly returned; and discovered a small boy dancing on a form) — "You young rascal, what are you doing there ?" Small Boy (scratching his pate) — "If you please, ma'am, I was learning Johnnie M'Phee a step or two in the Hielan' Fling." —The Bailie. — A'big brown bear at the Black Hills found and ate a bushel of salt with great gusto. An hour 'later he was seen at the bank of a creek assiduously drinking, and occasionally raising his head to look up the stream and see if the supply of water was likely to hold out. — N. O. Picayune. — " Is Miss Blank at home ?" asked a faultlessly attired bore of the new girl. The girl took from her pocket a photograph and carefully scanned it, and, after another look at the features of the visitor, answered, "No, sor; she has gone to Europe." He left.—Philadelphia News. — Professor Young, of Princeton College, says : " Take a railroad from the earth to the sun, with a train running forty miles an hour without stops, and it would take about 265 years' and a little over to make the journey." He estimates the fare, at a cent a mile, to be 930,000d01. These figureß kill the project. — How Friendships are kept Warm. — Mrs Jones : " Oh, I've left out the Browns ! Must we invite them?" Jones: "Hang it all, it's a beaßtly'bore^ but I suppose we must !" Mrs Brown : ' "An invitation from the Joneses, love t '' Must we accent?" Brown : " Confound it. It's a ghastly nuisance— but I suppose we must." — Punch. — A lady taking tea at a small company being very fond of hot rolls was asked to have another. "Really, I cannot," she modestly replied: "I don't know how many I have eaten already." " I do," unexpectedly cried a juvenile upstart, whose mother had allowed him a seat at the table. " You've eaten eight; I've been a countin'." — Overheard at the passenger shed : "De McComic done gone an' nothin' ain't happen yit. . I hear talk dey wuz some sign er n'er 'long er dese yer McComics." "Bless yo' Boul, chile, you dcs ougbten go down ter my house. Ole 'oman wid de glanders, de chillen natally naked, an' de meal-box dry. Ef data wat He McComics fetches long wid urn I ain't a wantin' no mo' an urn." — Atlanta Constitution.

To-day, as from the time of its introduction, Wotras Schnapps takes the lead of every other Stimulant and tonic in the estimation of the public and of scientific men.

▲ Word O» Wakmw*.— To prottet the public, and jmTfDt them bom being impowd upon by the worthhn onunterfeits and iatitaWotM U our Mctrbat asm lAsSAN*g Fborida Watbs, we hare prepared paper Id width the word* " Lswmao and Kemp, New York," appear in pole letters vhen a leal of the little pamphlet Is held up to the light; and whenever Florida Water is offend tor sole, wrapped in a pamphlet that dots not have thii water mark or stamp in it, ttaeu it k oouterfeit, and should be rejected.— \ Ady*.]