Fun and Fancy.

Otago Witness, Issue 1501, 21 August 1880, Page 23

Fun and Fancy.

ORIGINAL CONTRIBUTIONS. By Eliza, Orookston :— Why did Blondin when here stand to his audience in the sense of one who is outstripping his fellows ?— Because he was stepping over their heads. What fruit expresses the first child born on earth?— A. damson (Adam son ) By Alex. Kidd, Wyndham.— The latest betting on the Melbourne Cup, 1000 to 50 on (the) Nightmare. baohelder's pantascope conundrums. The following conundrum took the prize (a silver watch) offered for the best conundrum oa Mormonism at the Pantascope on Saturday night :— " Why do we know the Mormons play cricket ?— Because one Elder Batt (held a bat) played a bold (bowled) game, made a good 'long stop' at Dunedin, utilised ( Utah-lised) his time by making ' stump ' speeches, which were very wicked (wicket) indeed." The worst conundrum was — "What is the difference between Joe Smith and our respected citiaen, Councillor Fish ?— The one pants fou wives, and the other paints for- wives." Among the rejected ones were the following : What is the difference between a Scotch mist and a Mormon P— The one is a mist, and the other a bigger-mist (bigamist). Why is the Mormon elders' tour through New Zealand likely to be less successful than the Australian Cricketers' tour (through England P— Because their best bat (Batt) has been, repeatedly bowled out in Dunedin, so that they will have to stir their stumps and seek f reaU fields to win any matches. Why is Mormonhmlike a game of orioket P— Because it has sent a bat (Batt) to the wioket (wioked). What is the policy of Brigham Toung'a Poly« gamy ?— More-manism (Mormonism). Why do the ladies of Salt Lake iCity seek a change P — Because they require more-man-ism to be Utah-lised. Why do people turn from their present belief to be Mormons ? Because they get more-money Why is Salt Lake City a good residence for a bald-headed man ? Because he should have no trouble to raise heirs. Why is a Scotchman never satisfied? Because he always wants a little mor(e) mon. Why should a woman who wishes to try her luck go to Utah P Because, although she might suffer a loss, she always has a chance of getting sealed to a profit (prophet.) Why doea Mr Baohelder this evening resemble Joe Smith, chief elder of Salt Lake City? Because he would like to see more men (Morman) here. Why would the Salt Lake City be an excellent place for the present surplus population of New Zealand? Because they would be util« ised (Utah Used). What has Mormonism done for us in Otago ? It has shown us that there are Elder Batts aa well as willow bate. How did Brigham Young keep all his wives quiet P He gave them " stick-jaw," and then '• licked" them with " sugar-cane." Why are Mormon ladies like deeds P Because they are sometimes sealed and frequently delivered. Why is a Mormon family like Batchelders* Pantascope? Because it is .an American combination. Why was Joseph Smith, the Mormon Apostle, like the firm of Messrs A. and T. Burt of this oity ? Beoause he managed to ntalise (Utah-lise) pieces of brass for the sake of the profits (prophets), and he was also anxious to encourage Young manufactures in a new country. Why should domestic peace and harmony reign in the household of a Mormon who is the possessor of many wives and but one snit of clothes ? Beoause as there is but one pair of " inexpressibles^," all his wivesjeannot wear them, and, therefore, instead of having breaches of the peace, each wife cleams a piece of the breeches. Why should Dr Stuart be at once sent to Salt Lake City ? — Because he has married more than twenty women, and beoause he would give their apostles some hard knocks (Knox). What is the difference between a Mormon and a Scotch mist P — One is a mist and the other is a bigger-mist (bigamist). Why are the Mormons like a team of cricketers ? — Because they know how to make use of a Batt, and are fond of " Btumping ", and balling (bowling) whenever they can find a good " field " on whioh to play their little game. Why is the Mormon Elders' tour through New Zealand likely to be leas successful than the Australian crioketerB 1 tour through England P— Beoause their best Batt has been repeatedly "bowled" out in Dunedin, so that they will have to stir their " stumps " and seek fresh " fields " to win any matches. Inscription for Bob Ingersoll's tombstone— "Robert burns." Young Pinkington complains of taking cold by leaving off his winter cane too soon. When some politicians are weighed, they are found wanting every office in which there is a vacancy. Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old ? Because she has not much oner in her own country. When Paris hotel-keepers can't learn an Amerioan traveller's profession they record him as " the eminent historian." A recent poet says : — " As she sighed, he sighed." If they were sitting side by side, it might have been a great sighed worse.— N. Y. Herald. A husband telegraphed to his wife "What have you for breakfast and how is the baby ? " The answer came : " Buckwheat oakes and the measleß." " Goodness ! " said a Parisian, when the bill for the expenses of his wife's funeral— a little bill of 6000 francs— was handed to him, " I had almost rather that she had not died ! " A "Capital" Punishment. — Landlady — '' Lor' a muasy, Mr Brown, what's the matter, sir ? " Madder Brown (with lively demonstrations of delight)—" Glorious news— l'm going to be hung at last. Hooray ! " [But he only meant his picture was going to be hung at the Academy.] t "No, parson, I probly never git courage to jine the churoh. When a poor darky's spiritual 'viser takes him down in de ribber and says : 1 1 capsize thee,' and then ducks him under, it's time dat darky looks after himself. You don't play none ob dem games on me, old man." " Nothing like being well prepared." — Scene —Pit District Railway Station. — Grannie : "Moind thee beest a good laad, Jakie, an' diven't swear an' use baad words whoiles thee bees away." Jakie: "All roight, Grannie; but do 'co just tell oi a few o' they thee wua callin' grandf ey ther laast noight— they wor good, an' I moight want 'em." The worst case of absent mindedness of whioh we have lately heard was that of a Heidelberg professor. While he was crossing a street a watering cart let its flood lose upon him. The professor quietly raised his umbrella and walked two blocks before he discovered that the /ana, was shining brightly.