Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 832, 8 November 1867, Page 14

Varieties.

Why is a soldier like a vine ? — Because h& is listed, trained, and forced to shoot.

If a man cannot recognise merit, it is very certain that he has none himself".

It may be far less respectable to be able to wear tine clothes, than to be able to make them.

Why is a posy preacher like the middls of a whe 1 ?— Because? — Because the fellows around him are tired.

To preserve apples from rotting, put them into a dry cellar of easy access to a large family of children.

The young lady who burst into tears has been put together again, and is now wearing hoops, to prevent the recurrence of the accident.

A Useful Eecipk. — An eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order to produce such wonderful effect; his reply was, "I mix them with brains, sir."

A small MAy having been dul>bed " the little rascal" in the community where he lived, was asked one day in public why he had been so called. "To distinguish me from my neighbors," he at once answered, " who are all great rascals."

An Elderly Maiden, who had suffered ■tome disappointments, thus defines the human race : — Man : a conglomerate mass of hair, tob icco smoke, confusion conceit, and boots. Woman : the waiter, perforce, on the afores lid animal. We never knew a widower wnr>, when hie • married again, did not do it for the sake of his " dear children. 1 ' We never knew a man publish his first book but he did it at the entreaty of friends. We never knew a man send his portrait to the Exhib tion, but he did it to oblige the artisfc. " Carmine, you know, would have it !" The Rev. Dr. Mason, of New York, passing up Broadway, stepped to read a theatrical placard which attracted his attention. Cooper, the tragedian, coming along, said to him, " Goo-1 morning, sir, — do miuist<-ra of the gospel read such things?'' ''Why nor, sir? said the doctor; "ministers of the gospel have a right to know what the devil is about as well as other folks." Split the Difference.— At an education meeting in Liverpool the Rev. Hugh M'Neile told a story : "A child was taken into one of the union workhouse*, but as its parent* could not be found, no one could tell what religion it was of. A debate arose whether it should be entered as a Protestant or as a Roman Catholic. While they were debating the priest came in, and on being informed of the difficulty, ' Whew !' said he, • split the difference, aud enter it as a Puseyite.' " I A little boy had a colt and a dog, and his generosity w-as often tried by visitors asking him — "just to see what he would say" — to give them one or both his pets» One clay he told a gentleman present he might have his colt — reserving the dog, much to the surprise of his mother, who asked, " Why, Jacky, why didn't you give him the dog?" "Saynothin', &ay nothin', mother; when he goes to get the colt, I'll set tlie dog on him !" Credit. — Among the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, is Lord Alvanley's description of a man who "muddled away hi« fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills ;" Lord Orford s definition of timber, "an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of debts ;" and Pelham's argument, "that it is respectable to be arrested, because it shows that the party once had credit." THINGS TO BE DEPLORED, That wine is not like gratitude, becauw then no one would indulge in it to exceßS. That vice is not like the tax-gatherer, because it would need only to be seen to be avoided. That women's follies are not like their bonnets, for then they would tvery day b« growing less. That injuries are not like borrowed umbrellas, for then those who received them, would never think of returning them.