FUNNIOSITIES.

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume I, Issue 18, 29 August 1905, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

" You are convicted and the case is dismissed," said a J.P. at Christ- i church (says Truth), as he rose with i impressive dignity to give judgment. \ " The ..difference between the cow and the milkman," said tbe gentle man with a rare memory for jests, "is that the cow gives pure milk." " There is another difference," retorted the milkman, " the cow never gives credit." Very Uninteresting. — He : " I can't bear that fallow Brown. He always converses upon such unimportant and uninteresting subject::. What was. it he was talking to you about ?" She: "You." On board a ship ona night a wile was trying to comfort the seasick husband, and change the current of his thoughts. "Darli.-g, has the moon come up yet ?" she asked. "It has, if 1 swallowed it," was the weakvoiced reply. A man was brought before an American Judge for theft. " Some time ago," said the judge with a solemn air, " I was divorced from mywite. Shortly after you married her The result is conclusive ; I discharge you. Here, take this flftydollar bill. You have suffered enongh." In the Christchurch Magistrate's Court a witness said he had identified certain ducks belonging to hirr. « How do you identify them ?" asked counsel for the defence. ♦' By the earmark." " And where was the earmark?" pursued counsel. "On the left wing," replied witness, solemnly. A traveller m farming machinery called at an up-country station, and encountered a member of the owner's family. "Where's ycuc father mj boy'?" saia the visitor * -"He's away down the paddock with' tht hogs," replied the boy. " YpuT know him f om rhe rest of 'em, 'cos he's got a hat on." Extract from a letter wrilfc n by t selector's wifo, who was applying tc the authorities for relief under tht Advances to Settlers' Act. "I have m family 4' dairy cows, 2 pigs, 1 horse. All of these by my first husband. Two goats m full milk anc a b iby by my second. Ad of these animals was lost m the fire." •« I asked Mis 3 Redon last night [ie be my wife." # «' Ah, I sympathise with you. ] laboured with her unsuccessfully ir lhat direction myself the night before, so I expect, old man, you must have had your hands full." «« Yes, and my arms too." "Oh!" ' An Englishman who was arretted m a cafe m Germany charged with speaking disrespectfully ot the present Emp3ror, declared that he was speaking ot the Russian Emperor. " No, no,"' replied the police spy, " thai won't do. When anyone speaks m Germany of an Emperor as a " Damned tool," ho always means our Emperor.'' The Lyttelton Times people (says the Wellington Truth) sent a journalist into the prohibited district of Ashburton to prove that drink could easily be obtained m spite of NoLicense. The test was not a fair one. They shouldn't have sent a journalist, for if there is one man with a keener snout than another for sniffing out a drink after bov.rs, it is a pressman with a thirst. If there was only one bottle of whisky m the whole of Ashburton it is a million to one that the Times special would have stiuck it. Not long ago t'.ie King happened to be vis'ting at a can try hou?o near the scene of oi c of Cromwell's historic battles. Strolling out one day by himself he met the village blacksmith returning from a shoeing expedition. " I say, my good fellow," said Hi 3 Majesty genially. a I understand there wap a big battle fought somewhere alpout here 1" ''^el^er,'* stammered the blacksmith,, recognising and saluting the King. " I did 'aye a round or two with Bill, the potman, but I didn't know your Majesty had heard of it." A carping old Scotchwoman said, to her pastor one day : " Dear me, meenisters niak' mucklfe adal aboot their bard work. But what's twa bits* o' ser nons ia the week tae mak' up ? I could da a it - myself." •• Weel, Jaret," said tbe- mini iter, " let's hear ye." " Come awn.' with a text then," i quoth she. ' , J He repeated with emphasis: "It is better- to dwell m the corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman m a wide house." Janet fired up instantly. " What's that ye say, Sir ? Dee ye intend onytbing personal ?" "Stop, stop !" broke m her paslor. " You would never c'ae for a mceniater." "An' what for no'?' asked she sharply. . " Beoiuse, jnmt, you co ns cwr soon to the a ">dl cation.'