FUNNIOSITIES.

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume I, Issue 11, 12 July 1905, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

..:••• -■ ■ " xx 'XX'\ A camel can work for 40 days withoui\drinking, and some men can drink for _Odayß without working. She.: M I see by the paper that the German army ;has_Q,ooQ physicians;' He : u 3>o:y6u think- they are more destructive than cannons ?" "I suppose she'_f'w<*rth..;her weight ingtM&ywrX x XX] .-; «• Not j exactly. Be|nß.ati English' girl Bhe>*Wo]c^ ber !^%ht' ib pounds/ ?.-7:^- .-• ■. _ ,\X \r\::7 „ v i Miss Primley : .*' Ah, yea'; 1 come of av^ry&ld family?^ TT fifiss : know it— aW tliat -Vop are one ym th% first members of it I* •'■■*. t The Moke : ° And how did you leave your colleagues liaok m. Africa t The Missionary; «f Oh, very much down m the mouth.'; " He's a monomaniac/ she said. "My dear," corrected her- husband, •« you do hLqot an injustice, when you use the qualifying jfcfej&x*" 7 f Husband:, "These dressmakers* bills are outrageous! Are you trying to outdrtas all tbe neighbours ?" Wife : " No, my dear ; lam simply doing my best to be a little better dressed than my servants." Weary Wriggles {at the patent . office) :. I have a machine dafc I would like to patent. Clerk : Haveycta a working model ? •' Dats jus' de J*eauty of my machine—it don't w6rk.* ? • Tht| mosfcer_ of the youthful employee m the senate glared at her offspring) ; *' 1 can read you like a book," said she. Then, getting her slipper, she proceeded to turn oyer a page. " Did you know/a sked the amateur scientist boarder, " that the first nails were of bronze ?" 7 T '•;'''■ * "It was my 'impression!" said Asbury Peppers, " that they were bf horn." . 'X.--' '" " Hallo, Herjj, how did get that black eye?'' • ' ; |j \ •* Oh, it was only' a lovers' Quarrel.'' "Lovers' quarrel!; Whyx Annie didn't give you that?" " No, it was the other lover,." "lam strongly mcline^dT to think that your husband has appendicitis," said the physician..' "That's just like ybim," answered Mrs Cumrox. "He always waits till anything has pretty ifeais gone out of fashion before he decides to get it." The Carterton Leader says :*-" The many frtt-nds ofT y^un'g-.' |JRanfurly. Smith will regret tb learn that he left Carterton toVday ter^ Hastings, where he intendrHii* ' reside for some tirqe."-T-Rat)furly 1 Smith i No Wonder. ?Xj \MX ' j " The trouble WitH'-hrm;"; said the young mm who [had been trying to fittingly describe an acquaintance, •' is that when be dipped into. Ihe sea of knowleige he thought/he brought up so much that the blamed thing went dry." TT . fl. [ !f . Merry Andrew :' "Can you tell me the differ ance . between a man and a monkey?" 7 >•;' T ; Busy Man: How much 1 do you weigh?" Merry Andrew :•• "-A hundred and forty-eight pounds/ .?- l * Busy Man :" A hundred and fortyeight! I weigh 16$. f The difference is just 15 pounds." An Irishman having, enlisted m a cavalry regiment* was undergoing all the horrors of learning to .ride, when hjs horse threw him: over, its' head. According to custom/ tho sergeant who was suf erintending (he ridiqg lesson called out : »• fit Mijtphy, did « you receive orders to diemount?'' "I did, sorr/' said Pat. ;, ?■»» bawled the sergeant. » 5 "f*|om hind- i quartern, SIW I" • was ;3Pafa-' grinning | reply. ' ■. ' I " When; did yoii :L;h»t ,s4e ' year I brother ?* ask* d the TMagistxate. mml recent trial m a New York (JotmL I " the last time I *a#. inj^ pother* your worship, was abC»htj«i^htniontlifl ago, when he (»llc^i^wj house aud wag OUt* , «: g . "<%\ :, f-I _%*. Qqh;^ tpQ]£ >ihtcvfcjb#ar q$ ;■ •• Ttw^jqu did nbkm H^m H»Mi I pension ?V c«ptini^l|ieima|[istrate^ • " No, your. worshSpf <waasfe r-eply. ; 5 «H wasn't there." >X-\? Xl 'a !X ' \ ■ f ; j.7-[yri4^. \ i f.- 7^7 "*'> ,'\ At a certain town fid %e^ana a temperance society used ito X.jgfare* free ■ lectures. But man^"rpugha". used to come m and shout remarks to thei lecturer. Tois, however, was rieme- < died by getting an ex-policeman to throw the offenders out. One jiight the lecturer got very, enthusiastic, and loudly exclaimed to ; ; the" audience : _. "What will make our home 'hippy h w What w:JI make : i^s \ cc^_|fort»ble '/ *What will make oui^faeos beajm withy delight t* -He, then j?ausedi fpr'; effect^ but, befcr, he could ag^in res^rhe.tl^e ' '•.hrowei^out" stood oiit Wlo?ej ttMt-j gallery: apd said, " Thelfir^tione \yJ_o, { sjtys -It^i out hegpw.";! X.X H