FUNNIOSITES.

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume 1, Issue VIII, 21 June 1905, Page 4

FUNNIOSITES.

Policeman: " You are working too hard I" Burglar : " What's that ?" Policeman : " I say you need arrest." She : " Woman loves but once." P. 0 .: " True ; unless she has another chance." "Why is it folks sit this way m The tram we miss ; "While iv the tram we catch at last, We'rejammedlikethis? Willie : " Say, pa, what is meant by -courting danger'?" Pa: " Why— et— any kind of courting, my son." Wife : " I didn't hear you when you came m last night." Husband: " I suppose that 3 the reason I didn't hear you." Indignant Mother : " How dare you cufFer him to kiss you,- Marguerite ? Sweet Seventeen.: "Oh, there wasn't any suffering about it, ma\ dear!" Unwashed Customer (who has tasted every cheese m the shop) : •• No I don't like that, it's more like soap than cheese." Snappy Shopman : " Well, try half a pound, it's just what you want." Fair Snapshotist : " Oh, Mr Niffy, would you mind just going m again ? I do so want to take a snapshot of a man going through, the ice." (Mr Niffy did not oblige). Giles": " Cleaver, the butcher, 13 a paradoxical chap." jf . Miles :" How's thai ? . Giles : " Why, everything he sells he gives a weigh." «It must be awful to be sued for breach of promise and have letters submitted to publication " Well, you could not call the letters of a fellow who broke an engagement guarautees of good faith, could you?" "Mr Orestes Van Ham considers himself the greatest actor on earth." '• Is that so ?" responded Mr Stormington Barnes thoughtfully. " He's getting strangely modest. He used to consider himself the greatest actor that ever lived." —4 — Farmer Wilson : " Pretty cool of you, Henry, to steal my fowls and then try to sell them to ms." Hungry Henry (the tramp): " Why, boss, I thort yu'd pay a belter price iur fowl you'd raise yei'self. You know whatyer buying then ! "I wonder what has become of Goodleyed. When he was at school, you remember, he used to talk so much about uplifting mankind. Entered the ministry, perhaps ? ' " Oh, no. He's manufacturing explosive shells and torpedoes." Father (to musician who has asked tor his daughter's hand) : '* No, Bir, my daughter shall never marry a gambler." Musician : " But . I'm not a gambler." Father : " Well, you play for ""* money." ■* Old Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature ?" Young Physician : " No ; I forgot that." O'.d Doctor : " Huh ! What did . you'do?" Young Physician*: *' I took a fee of 10s." Askitt : " Why are you so firm m your belief that thirteon is a fatalf number ?" Knoitt : " Because the proof is indisputable. Why, there isn't a man alive to-day who lived m the thirteenth century. Mrs Homer : "My husband telife me that you allow your hu&band t© carry a latchkey. Is.it trvw?* 1 " Mrs Peckham: " Yea j feut this; is Confidential, mind— ii dpesn't fit thf door. I let hin\ carry it just \o humour him ; h^.ljkes to show it to his friends %ar the purpose, of making them l?^lteY.Q be ig independent.'* the young man was Sia.ervieTving the stern parent of the- only girl m tJoe world. «*'Of, course, sir, M he said, •« my salary is not colossal, but I can give her all the -accessaries of- life and some of the luxuries." "My dear Mr Softly," .replied the stern parent, " you have scarcely improved your time m her society if you do not know that she considers aU the luxuries of lif 3 far more necessary than the necessities. ' The Cannibal King clapped his hands. . •* Prepare," said he, " the shipwrecked captive for dinrer." •'Pardon, sire," rejoined his Prime ! Minister, ** but last evening, while your Majesty was occupied with the, last bottle of whisky, you appointed* him a Secretary of State." <• Ah," f aid the King, " m that case I make him Secretary of the Interior." A sumptuous banquet graced the Boyal board that evening. ! ■ . '