FUNNIOSITIES

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume 1, Issue VI, 7 June 1905, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES

WAIT. If a man who waits is a waiter, What then is the man who waits, And waits and waits for the waiter; To wait op Mm while he waits?: Swell t «• I say, my .'man, how long; Will the next train be?" \ Other: guvnor; yer'd better measure it when it comes m." Boy : " I saw you kiss my sister, and it you don't give me sixpence I'll tell." Elderly Suitor (very rich) : " Yes, I'll give you a sixperrce." Boy: "Thanks. That'll make a pound I've made since Christmas." (Jent :—"Tbat basket is heavy, t eipeet, isn't it ? Why don't you put it on the seat?" .*. . Stout old lady : " Well, sir, I'm *eavy enough for the train to carry, so: I thought I'd carry me own basket nwself, and so help *em on a bit." '!. Washington: "I suppose I sha^l fee you to-morrow, Miss Nicely, at the meet ot Sir Dibbleboy's hounds ?> - Miss Nicely, junt. (interrupting): « Oh, yes I we are all going to be; there, Mr Masbington, for papa only laid to-flay that we were all going td the dogs." -**' ' CONUNDRUMS. Take away my first letter, take » way all my letters and lam still tlie same.— The postman. When does a man belong to thej. vegetarian kingdom ?— When loijgj experience has made him sage. What everyone wants, what every-' one gives, what «veryonle aak?, and what very few tske? — Advice. SUPPLIED. «♦ Good evening,*' said thirsty Fla herty, looking m at Flanagan's door " What d'ye want ? ' aaked Flanagan, who was weary of appeasing Flaherty's tbirßt. *Nothln\' replied Flaherty. « Well, yell find it m the bottle where the whisky was/ SURE SIGN, .''.;• V Neighbours: « I heard your dog howling last night. If he howls three nights m succession its a _ure sign of death/ Next door: 'Indeed. And who do you think will die ? ' X t , Neighbours : * The a*og/ TRAMP BCDRED. Mrs Plaine (to tramp): '•How dare you say you won't go aw&y ? J)oti\ you know my husband is , a policeman r If he were here he would take you up." , ; V T-irop fstaring at hsr) : •** I believe you. If he took you bed take anybody/ ■ t : CHANGE OF TEUPBRATURE. XX Kitty (to granlmamma, who^ has just arrived on a lengthened visit)]: '* Are you cold, grandmamma ?" ; \ (Jiandmamma: "No, Kitty; why do ycuask?" . *.* Kitty : " Ob, because dad said hep make it hot for yen when you came." AN INSCRIPTION. A gentleman, win had left his bony steed m the street* few minutes while on business, upon returning a time after-wards, discovered to his amazement that some jovial friend bad placed m his fleshless ribs a card, bearing the inscription :— " Obis * watoted. Enquiie within." .*; ' •■ NAMED. He*. "I wond t what the meaning of lhat picture is ? The youth .ar,d the maiden are m a tender attitude." She : " Oh, d< n't y n see ? He has just asked her to marry him. Plow sveetl What does the 'artist calljVthe pict-ue? 1 * Z. '•- He (looking about) : " Oh, I seel * It's written on the card at the b Dtioinj, "Sold." ; ;,. ; NO ROOM FOR TWO. \ *)' I was riding down the line one day, when I saw an Irishman mounted on a mule which was kickingits legs rather freely. The mule finally got its hoot; m the stirrup, wher, m the element, the Irishman remarked : «< W4II, begorrah, if ye're goin* to get on, Di'fi g.tofi." __ • ; Z.] THE rR J <_. i/'j ,« Got a talking ma< hins at hotn^ ?*? %v\_ it did you pay »r it ? " i* » « Nothing Married it !" J, |- Mother: Now, Dick, we've {Vgbjf into our new home, and you pyasft not fight with the neight^uts' children. ' * . . - 7" X > Dick: muvvsr, we'll have ter be interdooced some way or other." AS INSTRUCTED. The physician of a 'military .hospital on going his r mnds one morning found a patient sitting m the bath, on the point ot swallowing a dose of medicine; ; $ A. »«' Whatever are you doing there insteji&df being m bed ?" inquire, the islolfehed doctor; and f' tlie brave fellow Lu-nbly responded I* >■ * Well, doctor, you'told me as £pwl was to take the drops m water," and tfcat'e just %hat lam doing." S; ■