FUNNIOSITIES.

Otautau Standard and Wallace County Chronicle, Volume V, Issue V, 31 May 1905, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

,-. ilpter : istib tliat you are p ristently laughing 1' Boy : V Please, sir, you ask such ticklish we can'l; lielp if.'«Do you know _.the % meaning of • Silence is Golden;' William ? V «« Yessir, a deaf and dumb beggar on a good pitch. Landlord: " But, surely, your new fu e-stove doesn't smoke all tbe time ?" Tenant : ' " No, not all the time, only when we light a fire m ifc." " What did yon let him into your house at all for, if you knew he was such a scamp?" , ' '• Why, hang it 1 Id no idea that my daughter would run off with him. I thought my wife would." Doctor: "No better, eh? Well, you must not worry or get rervous, you know. Four years ago I had ihe same compitirat as yours, ahd you-sfeb l'm perfectly well now." Patient: " Yea, but you didn't have the same doctor.!" EVEN WORSE OFF. First Sufferer : • Yes, I have an exr.elbnt wife, but she's something of a. Tartar.' v ; '---~. S icond ditto tf Well, ; my >boy,. v if yours is a lart^, Jniihe . must a c: earn of Tartar T* ""*,?.. It wa^ the smoking-room, and they were talking about how they had been he axed at different times; "What's the biggest sell you ever had?'' they asked the tall, rather absent-minded mm With they^big moustache. "Eight feet by six," ho replied, with a vacant look. (Then the company got sort o' suspicious.) An Oldham man being kept at his Majesty's eixpenseTor ''Va; short time," was put upbntthe •? everlasting stairs," as the treadmill is^vCalled. * : y.- •'* '• Getting no forrader 1 " he one morning exclaimed to the warder, m disgust. " You are a hundred years behind the times here 1 If this thing were m Owdham ib would be run with steam ! " PLACING THE PROPHETS. A tedious monotonous preacher, had exhausted the patience of his h?arers by his e'aborate d sserlation on the four greater prophets. Afc last to their great disgust, he passed on to the minor, and asked ; " And now, .my brethern, where si all we place Hosea-?" , y^' A man rose from the" congregation at d mace answer: " You can give him my seat, sir, I'm off." " FOO- 1 " Oi c day Dr Talmage, the famousAmeiicm preacher, opened a letter iii hi? p ilpifc, according to his custom, which h) found contained a single wortf, " Fool !" He mentioned the fact io h 3 congregation, and then quietly^a lded : " 'No yv, 'lt have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to Sign his name, hut th*s 13 the only Ihsfcange;: I hsive ever known of a man Signing ••'hi. nam* and forgetting to write the ljtte*-; DtSILLUSIONMENT. Ma ie, sedate m her silk attire, Her fine eyes glowing, He«: dark hair, flowing^ ..</">/ Her fan?- a-gbing, \ y :f} X Is a vision to worshiped admire. In the mellow haze of the ballroom seen Marie is a queen 1 Marie, m her morning wrapper gowned, Doing the sweeping And tasks of housekeeping, Her p retty face peeping F^oin a hood of towels tightly bound, Is no doubt aho fair to seo. BuH she's. — ah, well, sle's jutt Marie 1 DUKE THE DRAY HORSE. Only a horse ! But who cau well decide How much was lost when Duke, the dray-horse died. Mildness inborn ard honesty untaught Majestic patience? ; and sagacious thought, Faith that endured and lovo that knew no end — Such W2S old Duke, our huge and dap_l;d friend. Oft have I seen him pacing on his way, Single, or paired with. Paladin, the bay, I. ; 7. ' *X,. '■ Now on the lev^l, cilm and debonair, His s'mggy forelock tossing m the air, New, his neck stretched, his breathing qiick and deep. With pointed forehoDfs clawirg up the steep, • Till, w lien the tcp was won, he*d, pause and seem A mammoth spectre m a cloud of steam. The little children marked with wondering eyep, His swelling nm._cle3, his gigantic size Forsook their sports to flock about his ki tej, And pat and tmooth him while he stood at ease. Then Duke, refreshed, ar d re olute and gay, Les n 3d to his WOt'k once more and drew the dray. .'■}] y/z y/ nH'n^z.