THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 834, 12 November 1921, Page 1

THE CRITIC

R.l.P.— Rerii, Interest, Profit. Man's most • dangerous animal : His A-hobby-horse. ■ ; : v Fruitless labor : Telling hair-rais-ing' stories to a bald>- headed man. . A person who is not an extremist lat eighteen "will be a fossil /before -■, forty- , „,, .:. .-•,; Stable Government : One that can< : keep the working mules from kicking;; | over tho traces.' . . : - •■. ... * ..-', "> <■ ."■■ '..■■ I:-/;'-' :s ••"•■■■ 'Most men and women are vain. The. vanity of woman is only ridiculous, 1 , but the vanity 'of man is .contemptible. It was the Scots professor, John Stuart Blackie, who said, "The majority are always cowards." Are you; listening, Mr. Parr? i . "A society journal inquires: "Are longengagements -wise?" .Well, "Critic" has heard of them leading to marriage -m. more than one instance. . „" • A correspondent writing f,oa Christchurch paper remarks that .'"Little has been heard lately about the National Progressive and Moderate LaborParty." "Critic" understands that he is convalescing after an- attack of-the-vfloo." ; • Says the ■ "New Zealand v Times" court' scribe: • TWo youthful Di^k Duvals ap- > peared before Mr. F- <X. ( Hunt, S.M., at the Magistrate's Couz-t (juvenile session) on Saturday. "Critic" would have described themas Claude Turpins. . ' a: .•..-'.'.«*. ' <R '■'-■■■.. "Critic" notices m the Journal of Agriculture an article on liow to drill turnips. Surely, haying sent Sir John Salmond to- represent us at the Disarmament Conference, we should showoux- bojia fides by refraining from militaristic methods- Instead of drilling turnips "Critic" thinks we should let them stand easy. - . '■_ Regarding the demise, of a centenarian m Wellington, a few days ago, the "Morning Mist" remarks:/. He was i a bachelor, and m his.lat--, ter '.days expressed no regrets 'for. having remained ""single. . Is this a brick or a bouquet for the sex? ..(■• . •■ . ■iB •■'.-, it - i: ' '■ .•■;.■: ': Queer advert, from the London "Times": , ' .; . ;. '' '\\ Advertiser, at present holding post I under Government, but anxious to change for conscientious reasons, I iwants service : as groom, coachman, etc., with Christian people. Loud Jaws's Sunday golf > seems to [ have turned the Nonconformist con- | science sour at last. •■.■.. . • I A witness m a court case the < other.. ! day persisted m saying that a certain preposterous statement was ''absoI lutely /triie." Pressed to state expli- . citly how she knew, she • replied, ;"I ; saw it m print." ■ | I 'tried to convince her, she glared ,"•".■■■' undismayed, . ■ .' With, lips tight as bowrstrings i arid eye-balls a- glint;. | I stuck to my task, but all hope ! did. fade When* she' swore by the^cross she had "seen it m print."- '' :: ■; ■;.'.:: , :: v . -_'-'- : v-: Curioser and curioser! In one part of the Nelson "Mail" a few - days ago it was recorded that it rained all day La- ! bor Da3 r (October 24), yet the ofHcial ! report from .the Oawthron Institute published In the same is|su6 announced I that for the twenty- four hours ending i 9 a.m. on October, 2s, the rainfall was nil. Folk m Sleepy Hollow were so i disgusted ■at not beins' able to tell j whether it was wet" or fine on the holi- ! day that many of them are ordering | Their own rain gauges, having no'long 1- ! er any ifaith m either tne local paper i ! or their famous- Institute. , i Tn declaring the result of the, election for the Waingaro riding of Raglan County, the Auckland "Herald" made the returning officer declare :.' I herebyi declare Harold William Wilson duly elected as Councillor for the Waingaro . Riding m the CountyVof Raglan, he being the oily person nominated for such position. This, surely,, is a new and original rwvsoh for deciding" an i j lection m; a person's favor. Besides, m dubbing Lhe candidate "oily" Harold, the "Herald," at least' by implication, has laid itself open to receive a bit. o' blue paper. ' " V • r: ■ ;: s: He was young and innocent and a curate to boot, and he had been invited to. join a, country' house party. When: he arrived at the house the first impression he got of the guests wa's tha^ they were a rather swift lot. He was' sliocked to find his suspicions' more than confirmed at dinner, but he" tried: hard i to : be a sport. After dinner he joined the gentlemen;- but the: stories were too blue .and ■ the gambling too high. Then he breezed into the billiard room, where the ladies held the. floor'Here the stories were likewise "pn the I edge," and the cocktails too numerous, and so.. he decided to: slip oft" to hisroom and to bed. About two a.m. he: awoke 'suddenly to find a comely mai T den m his room m the act of dpnnirig her "nightie." ."Pardon me," he*:cri(9d m alarni. "I think" you~have made, a mistake. This is .ray room ! " "This is No. 21,: isn't it?" was the reply. "Yes, it's, ■.-N0;v,21, and it's my room. : You've ■plainly madea mistake." "NTo, 1 there's, no rn|;a^ake," x oooed ih© dameel, "You flee, I dre-w you m a aw6«p!" : '

Overdress fs always bad dress. I'he shield of ignorance is the mo- * thei* of Impertinence. '" '•■ .' . '-'• i> '■ The frame should never ne more striking than the picture. .-. A family lawyer is an expensive i ornament, yet it is alwa3's wise to .' keep your own counsel. . An ontimist is a man who insists that hard times are not coming, only the soft times, going. . sj ' ':■: si :: ■ If our Labor men have "ho convictions," as stated by the u 'Mozriing Mist," they are certainly artists m producing the convincing manner. Dilly heading from the "Daily Driz« zle": : . .■' . Hotel HoursShortened at Home. . Poor --bid -.Dad!. Wonder if he sings "'Ome,. Sweet 'Ome"? :: :: :: Headings m. the " 'Nuf Z' Times": ; ■ ... , WASTE OF TIME. . Allegations m the House. Indignant Denial by Prime Minister. Oh.- el! Means another Royal Commission, ;we suppose, to find out if such scandalous allegations are correct. A visitor to the Wairarapa told the Wangamii "Herald" on his return to ' -the. town on the Noo Zee Rhine, that Farmers had hitherto made a . great feature of lamb fattening and raising oeef, tout both industries ... were at -zero. / And ye'ty if they forsake the freezing industry, where will they be? ::; :: :s From the agony column m tho "Split-P ost": -. ' ; • . Young Gentleman, direct descend- • ant of King Ecliwarci L, having fallen . I on. ! evil- times, . is still keeping his eye open , for a' •wife; lady with means. Yes; it's a rough time for Royalty all right, but won't the young gentleman fall on more evil times if his advert, is 'successful? .■'■■''.■'' n :■: :: . n : The cable- cobbler on the"Dough-;-- -; minion" startled the -w*rld with the following discovery the other morning: The Statistician's figures for New South Wales and Victoria reveal the size of the average family at less , than two children. There are thousands of childless parents. ' Now you .can guess just what sort of animiles those "childless" parents are. The " 'Nuf .Zed' Times" again : It is believed that a gang of experienced burglars is operating m Christchurch at the present time. . Three attempts have recently been made to blow open safes with ex- . plosives.. ■■-„. . - ! The burglars union, "Critic" understand, takes serious objection to such a: misleading statement. . Experienced members, of the union never fail three times to opeiJ a safe. MEMORIES. "I could always tell when my wife had. / a fit of the 'memories' by the sour look on her face." — Item from- a recent separation case. A wife, when she's sunny and cheer- ■:\-. cfuV ■■,■'■■'■■"■ ' Makes honie just "a heaven for two ; : But when she gets sullen and tearful* Life takes on a different hue, For nothing you do when she's nettled Is ever by any chance, right, From dawn till the day's work you'va settled, . And turned Into bed for the night. " '■ '■•"'■-■■' ■■'.*■. 'Despondency reigns m the household, And slowly the leaden hours crawl, The price at which foodstuffs are now sold . ! It seems doesn't matter at all; The butchers' or bakers' defections, Whethev butter has gone up or down, . , Are nothing . when* sad recollections Replace her fond smile with tf frown. ", She's merry and bright when she's normali But ah! when her memories throng She's stubborn and starchy and formal, And everything seems to go wrong; It may be she's too introspective, And memory merely but serves To bring oh those spasms reflective . That get, so to speak, on her nerves. She probably broods o'er the chances She had ere she foolishly wed, - The picnics and Joy-rides and dances In days that are now, alas ! dead; And wishes, no doubt, she had waited To see what the future might bring. Before she had legally mated And fettered herself with a ring. For hours I have pondered and i .puzzled ' What memory fits really mean, Whether ices or something she's -guzzled ■ Engenders a fit of the spleen? For mutiny under the pinny ■ -..Sends women who feel a bit faint Hot- foot to a quack, with a guinea, With yarns of a nervous complaint Of course, it's a difficult- question, ' And not a fit subject for mirth To hint that it's just indigestion, Is more than ■ your life would be worth; But a pill, or p'rapß two. for her liver Would probably hasten the hour, When no longer with fright you need ■-.-, shiver Lest "memovW make her lock sour. ...-■