THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 79, 22 December 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic ? ,} ft !f;* .v. Or note unmoved his mention m tlie s Critic * page? Parade his error m the pubUc eye? ... . ; _■•; And Mother Grundy's ro.ge defy?: A Merry Christmas. ;; ;, ••' • ■ • Burglars aren't as brave as they': look m the dark. O *** ' . I The Fee-jians .it the Exhibition *et < their fees all rigjht.' * * *.•!' Is The Little Stranger the result \ of The Fatal Wedding ? ■ ' . •■ «. - ■ ' o It's a wise father who knows how' to conceal his ignorance from his; 10-yeai'-old catechist. • • . * . *■.-_■. The telephone is like a woman,; when it's all right it's all right ; ; but when it isn't, it's •— — -. ♦, • • "What Should a Gentleman Do ?" asks a playwright The feminine re- ' ply is : "Why, marry the girl, of course I" The police are generally active at Christmas time m putting m "the vags." Way of giving them a seasonable free feed. The child who has been reared m the lap of luxury rarely proves a grown-up hero when m the hand of adversity. • • • Why should Christchurch divorce cases be more spicy than any others? Is it because of the churchy atmosphere of the place ? •.• • * When a man says "dam" he always means it ; when a, woman utters the expression it means a volcanic vehemence of three times thrice. • * *» The dictionary says : "Attics are places where lumber is stored." Well, a deal of the written wisdom of the world has come from that lumber room. a * * Tourist steamers on the l Sea of Galilee and. fishing m the ' River Jordan ! We shall soon have the Holy Sepulchre itself converted into a Monte Carlo ! m * .* A French milliner has over his door the sigh, "To enter, choose, and buy, —that is the duty of woman. To 1 pay —that is the duty of 'man.'! Yet the sexes are supposed to be equal ! • • • , "Does your husband ever win anything at the races ?" asked one woman of another. "No," was the ! answer, • 'nothing except the esteem of the bookmakers and the sympathy of his friends." • * * The "yellow agony" is beginning to be felt m Hingland. Now the " 'Ome" people will commence to understand the sentiments of Australians, New Zealanders and S'Afri|cans on the Chow question. •■* ■ • i A balloon has crossed the Alps from Milan to Aix-les-Bains at an altitude of 19.500 feet. Greater heights haVe allegedly been obtained, but there can be no mistake about this, as the mountain top had to be cleared. • « * We are told that "The Aeronaut," a notorious Melbourne butglar now at large, can walk 'up the side of a four-storey wall with only the aid of spikes on his feet. That almost beats Peter's performance of walking on the sea. • * • Ask some really nice girl what the conversation of her dance partners is like. "She will divide them into '■ three classes— the idiotic, Ihe really good fellows, and those whom you must pretend not to hear or not to understand when they talk to you.— "World." ■ } • * . * A farmer named Samuel Bellingham, residing near Lockley (Vie), had a peculiar and painful lockjaw while yawning. While entk-n-vorin"; io get his jay, into place again, he fractuird i_. and had to seek medical attention. One never by any, mis'hano.? hears of an awful happening of this kind lo a woman. As a rule ht»»* j?w is f?-r 100 flexible to meet' with such a mishap.

. , . . . . Jl The loud- y«.ice .Riyeth away many a 'good thing. ""'. '-.'..'' ! ? | .'■' '' :' -' * —-±-^^- ? ''. ..*.-■' ■■'-.-■' ■'■■«■■.-'.- ■-:■:'. OX\ [i.-. .-.- ..-,,:".-■ ,-. •■.;;.. : .v----3^"i,.v, >:•'■•'■ - I •'.:'. ..',-'. ' : yiTli^^d^a'^':tppear; to be , j^place : jin .?thfe\.;cpliq :^.v-jtKat l --.. hadn't' Ijad a naggingV grumbling ' fibsoitai trouble. The Seddon family are credited with beinc about to build a 12-room-ed house at the back of -thet. Ministerial residence' m Molesworth-street. An-; other instance of the poverty the outside world has heard of. . Waikino isn't an ideal abode for the ; prohib. • push. , 20 cases of diphtheria, all directly traceable to an impure water supply, u have been recorded durfe'jng the last few weeks. '•■ *'■■■ # . « • I I News conies .from South Australia ■' v of the cause of a curious accident to ' |lie tight-rope walker of a wandering : ' ifmerrv-gorrouhd show,. Midway m Ihis journey across .the wire, the wais fiercely attacked hy a , ••Wkssihr niagpie;/ and fell thirty feet ; I |hrou h h space hefpre the eyes of the C •hbirified .spectators. :'*,V. - •<■■■*: '.-, ■; : a-.. * - vVi?According. to tlie'. London papers, the subsdiip lions for the ;a?i ; iiable ■ SulTra£eltes is the following Announcement ;--."I will give £10 a Oihr for each : day that my wife re-. •'.r^kin.s m priison.— ¥:. Pethwick Law'r^nce." There are many other Bene- , .diets besides Mi* Lawrence who would . ije^' willing to do the same. . ./•Monday night's. ."Pos-t" somebody I jatlvertiKfd for j'a woman to wash, iron and clean 4.', days a week." Can ■■. understand , some good person who , coiild appreciate the pleasure or washing and cleaning a fellow creature Who had neglected her ablutions, but why iron a woman. Be only liable. '■ to spoil her hide and cause her pain. ■# » • DuriTig shearing at a Northern district (N.S.W.) shed recently a sheep . Was . shorn which had a young snake . p^cealed : m its wool. The local •ssser stated that the snake wriggled OUt-. 'as the sfleeoe' was /-being; lifted to i^the stable' M' be- rolle.a ( ;.^W6ll v ;it wM certainly 1 time fdt his Snaix*hip to do a get at that stage of the game ! • •■•--*-- • . . -I The horrible fatality by which poor Dora Florence lost her life at the level railway crossing at Bunny-otreet should force upon the Government the absolute necessity for either subways or overhead bridges at all these city crossings. They . are specially 'necessary m a city so greatly liable to dust-storms and howling gales that take people all their time to stagger , against. «. •_» ■ • How much longer Is Ninny North going to leave the biggest gamble of all, the "Star Bowkett'; societies, a** lone ? Maybe one third of his congregation, go into these gambles, that are just as much so as Tatts. k And talking of Tatts reminds that it is not so long since one of the pillars o! the Vivian-street Future-fire insurance association won £200 m a Tatt sweep : but we heard nothing from North about it. Must have been sjqiuared with a tenner for the plate. • . »' * Some- way- < back inkslingers take a ' fiendish delight m writing up animal monstrosities such as this, from "Milton Mirror :—" A cow belonging to Mr Wm. Smith, of Stirling, gave birth tff a peculiar-looking calf the other day. It . had. an abnormally large head, with the eyes several inches below the line of the ears, and a bone projecting frPm the forehead. The freak was born dead." Pity the . reporter hadn't sense enough to follow the calf's example and be born dead, too ! • • . ' • • After the appearance of "Truth's" red-hot article about the Salvarmy cadgers iri* Christohurch, prayers were publicly offered m the street m Christchurch for the salvation of the souls of "Truth" staff. Verily we .get advertised by queer people. It is cheerful to know that we . are best read by allegedly religious persons. l In fact New Zealand "Truth" is now a. religious publication, although it isn't catalogued, as' such. God bless them ! Also Hallelujah, and other things not m the deoalogue. •"' ' * • The. dailies of Wellington sadly require a man on the staff -who has some knowledge of places and people m Australia. Lacking such they are everlastingly making themselves ridiculous m the eyes of their many readers possessed of that knowledge. A glaring instance of the need was given by the "Post" on, Monday and the "Times" .on Tuesday when both published the following cable : ' SYDNEY. Dec. 17. . A fatal shooting accident occurred m the Park Mental Hospital. Dr. . Callan was examining, a revolver belonging to a patient when tlie revolver exploded and killed'an attendant named Price. ' Any ;-.-rson who' has resided m Sydnpv v ould he aide to interpret the cable Iv.-tler. . The. asylum is Callan Pari, and m all probability L the shooter would le cabled of a.s "doc:or C^Han Park .Asylum." Any how, il seems Lo have been roufli on lb** ' a=dei\ be he or the doctor named Price ■• .

The hand that rocks the cradle fools the world, - .yy._ , > [i.^OOi^Z \ '^■"yO"^\ V' ! '' "■ ' ' >;*•.__. _.;,.. . . ;•.;: ;•_-;;-.'"? :'\ i ' l Th6 ! '_lmities^'^aufrh' : is : 'tt6t the .best •appreciation of -anything funny. _ 'a » . • w The Italian ship, the Australia, is m psrt. As the skipper and crew are Da£os, it is evident that that Australia is not for Australians. * • • "It is easier to get ten wives than one servant," said a way-back farmer, bemoaning the dearth of domes- j tics. Is the cockatoo speaking from, actual experience ? Or mayhap he meant ''one slave." * '• ■,•''■ Chirred w.ith resorting with reputed criminals, an individual at the , Magistrate's Court last . Monday said he could not help speaking to them when he met them m the street, Gaol-birds rarely cut their acquaint- j ances. *■ ' • •.-..'' ■ ' Mary Collins, who got three months ' "under the va?;" at the S.M.s J Court, the. other day, uttered two threats, which, if carried out, will be ■interesting.- Firstly, she promised to serve her stretch on 'er 'cad, nnd secendh" when she comes out she is goin?- to do for the policeman who vagged her. * « # "Truth" played Fuller's Co. cricket last Sabbatty and the fact is mentioned merely fbr the edification of J. J. North and his unholy plate-pushing brigade. Can't he Ret up a scare over it ? Next match the limelight poseur will be asked to act as umpire ? HcVsure to be partial to "Truth," I den'f think ! • * • . . • A sailor charged at Auckland with being drunk said he might have starrgered twice as much as he was doing m his native Scotland and not fraeh arrested. The beak drily remarked that he was drunk for New Zealand . if not for the land of the thistle, and levied a charge *6f 5s for the privilege. ' 0%. luckless -l ifefarit;-' whose parents had been rescued fr6m a dangerous fire, has received the Christian and surnames > of the whole fire brigade who were responsible for the meritorious deed, as a mark of its parents' gratitude. What the afflicted ' child will say when it grows up arid wants to sign a cheque can only be imagined. * s » Last Monday Magistrate McArthur told an oft-convicted crook named William Murray that Detectives Cassels, Con-noil v, Kemp and Williams were all kind-hearted men, who would do their best to get him work. And as it was on their evidence the said crook got three months under the vag, no doubt Murray wonders where the kind-heartedness comes m. But they didn't make a liar of his Worship, for undoubtedly they got Murray work airijjht ! *' • * AT "TRUTH "-FtJLLER CRICKET MATCH. We strove to fill the hollow In the big strong man Apollo ; But we couldn't stop his- swallow, Though the jars and kegs and bottles were nimbly slung about, Not half quenched the thirst of Hedley— Who with Tauchert did a medley— We all voted it was deadly. And yet the blinkers wondered how the blessed beer ran out. • ■ a .'■ • - During tlie hearing of a case of desertion from the Italian ship Australia, it leaked out that the deserting Daso had got among his countrymen m "Wellington and they had made him discontented with his lot by telling him of the glorious progress, high wages, etc.. of Wellington. Dr. McArthur, S.M., however, nipped the deserting propensities of the dteserter m the bud by sending him to gaol till the ship sailed. Anyhow, such undesirable aliens as cheap and nasty Italians are not wanted here. * • # ' The first prosecution under the Fire 4 arms Act of 1906 was heard m the Wellington S.M.s Court last Monday when a number of small boys were cautioned and discharged for having a pea rifle m their possession and for using the -same. Of course such legislation is necessary; but the haste displayed m pushing , such an act through Parliament while the Land Act was carefully shelved, gives some indication how sacred are held the rights of "proputty" even m democratic N.Z. « • • A young man "Critic" knows recently worked m a wholesale drapery . warehouse m Wellington at ' a wage jof 30s per week. Latterly he got into j the Government Buildings as a clerk 'at £3 a week. Yet this cove empha- ! tically 4 €C * ar€< * n 6 was better off m the former job, and went on to dilate on yards of cloth for suitings, - handkerchiefs, ties, and God- knows what, nil that he used to lift from the .warehouse. Dishonest ! Not a )vt. ;■ c declared. The Jew sweaters ..ho run Ihe shows expect 'to be ro-b-T-ed -,-.*• ing- the smail wares they do. IMb? frame is played tno hot the de-linm-.ent fcete the bullet, but he's never nrosecuted, his employers heint afr.-i ; *. of unpleasant Court revelations

.. t "The -.day is ; past £6r Wing -■• for sl-V-grog selling \ .according Tt^'^uck^ n0& Stiperifii&ry Dyer, 'and he Emphasised his opinion by sending an illicit vendor of fiery fluid up for four months.- --• • . ■ • Mrs Newlywed (to mother-in-law): "Dear mamma, I have such a pleasant surprise for you ! I have just ordered, a telephone to be put m your house, so you won't have to come so far to see us." •m ■ a The prize for the best all-round athlete. at a country sports recently was a pair of tailor-made trousers. The ; winner of such a trophy could not say that his honors were not altogether undivided. •■ V • The feminine encroachment into the purel^ masculine avocations still gains ground. An American woman with a love for the noble gee-gees has started training horses, and up to date has made a great success of the business. .■'.*'■ * * The. whole staff of this vigorous paper has been getting about all week like it had the string-halt. The e Sect of play ing a strenuous game of cricket when the hardest physical work it has done for an age has been loading its pipe and pushing its pen. ..* * * Said the sarcastic and incapable starter to the smart jockey who was try incr to "beat the gun" : "Whoever told you you could ride?" And replied the smart jockey with the utmost gravity : "The same man who told you you could start horaes." • '■ ■ * • Stated that a deadly, bitter feud has sprun" up betweeri the owners of the ehooke m the ee^-laying competition. Curious thing the people who ouarrel over poultry or prize poodles usually become more savage than a pair of pugs fighting for a thousand Pound, purse. '..''-■'':- •'..".'• '■' '■.-*' ..:*-'' r ii .-Ther^«w. ; Zealand papers deny; says a Sydney exchange, that the Venus de MilO has been draped and' put into combinations at the New Zealand Exhibition. We never believed the yarn, but are quite .prepared to see the statue of Apollo m kilts when we .go over. , • * • The brilliant genius who runs the United Press Association joint at Wanganui has discovered that tbe local man, Webb, is a more finished sculler than Stanbury.. Umce— that is to say he will be when big Jim has finished him at the finish of Boxing Day's race. • _ . * V ' ' According to cable, Vischer, the British resident m Northern Nigeria, while travelling across the Great Sahara, discovered many Roman ruins, also petrified forests, and tribes which dwell underground. The cable does not say whether >or not the tribes are also petrified. • * ' * Two human hogs held a beer-drink-in"; contest for a wager at a suburban pub t'other night. After the ninth pint, one of them strayed over to the mirror, and looked down his throat. "I can just see the top of the: blanky froth," he gurgled— "Guess I have room for another pint ! " .„.:■• • !» The Grey "Star" m its wrath over some grievance, imaginary or otherwise,, likens the Inangahua "Times" to a mosquito.. That brilliant example of journalism gets back on its traducer by saying "We regret that this- mosquito simile should be the one chosen. The only hide impervious to the sting of the insect named is the hide of an ass." ■ ■■••■ • • Somebody with a signature that reads like W. T, A. Broughson writes very • intemperately denying that the Levin Express Co. pays its drivers 25s to 35s per week, as stated by "L.L." m last issue. He says no driver receives less than 35s and up to 50s, and the average is over £2 ncr week. 1 Glad .to hear it. Even that f is , little enough for laborious toil m all weathers and m a- country where living is so expensive. ."■'■•■",-'• • The brief story of the death of every Russian patriot who dies for his solitary effort to obtain freedom for his country from the merciless grip' of the tyrant, recalls to the mind of those who read of his little tragedy certain magnificent lines of Byron : . " .. . ; .. .., Woke to hear Bozzaris cheer his band . "Strike till the last armed foe expires '! Strike for your altars and your fires ! Strike for the green graves of your sires ! Rod, and your native land." ! "For Freedom's battle once begun ' Bequeathed from bleeding sire to son 'Thou rii v-afflcrt oft, is ever won." ".And -he who m the strife expires Shall add to theirs a name of fear Thai; tyranny shall quake to hear, Ard '-M'e'his sons 3 hone, a fame, Thpv, too. would rather die than I shama."