THAT SHAMELESS GRAB.

NZ Truth, Issue 76, 1 December 1906, Page 5

THAT SHAMELESS GRAB.

m • — — FAT MR. FAIL'S FUTILE FATUITY. >,:■* He Says: "Fail Never Faii,s." TO THE EDITOR. j Sir. /The name of your paper is Truth. & as I believe you do your i best to live up to your title, I hope you will publish this letter m its entirety & nob leave any passage out affeoting yourselves or roe. &, as* you have published a few errors, I now take the liberty of correcting thenii First. You say.' my name is Fail which it is to be hoped I wont sooti act up to, you mean, . it is hoped I will soon act up to. But, if you wish this, I am afraid your wish will not mature. As my old school master Said, when I was attending the school board for I/oftdon,s school m that angels paradise, the East find of London. Fiiil never fail.s & as you know down m that aristocratic quarten We are used to living on Billingsgate pheasants, twb eyed steaks, sheeps trotters, faiggots, pennyorts of tripes on a screwer, etc. You cannot blame me for trying, to do little better for myself now I' am* m Gods Own Country. Any way I am only followin tr. Johnny, Norton's example & niakeing all I can.. out of whom I can a.la.Johnny. m Sydney Secondly. You say your informants were stopped by a turnstyle .«& the door, (tidriect) reason why. Turn back, your files to the 7th July, .and* read your leader headed, Mad-Mean-Mohawks* tty to beat the fish & chips man but strike a big rotigh snag. Also your one of the 21st July, headhed Loutish Larrikin^ '& ■ you will see why the turnstyle is theire. & having" been bitten several times m the same way that these two leaders refet to, being a Cockney "I soon found a way to euchre there little games thirdly, , You iwesume it was the ingenious Fail himself that was the custodian -..-of the turnstyle. You are wrong -Fail is , too fat to stand at the turnstyle, if he did, there would have be&i no room for your informents to squeeze through, even after they had been lightened of there\ eighteen pence each. The reason I make them pay coming m . is :no doubt. The same als your own m which you head yoUr first column .(front page) subscription m advance 18s per annum O, why do you do that, 1 surely you do not think vout subscribers would diddle foil out of it, 0 no, only a matter of form or policy, which. Thirdley. You say all meals were marked, Eighteen" pence on the leagand you are 'wrong. It said meals Is.. Gd to day. In regard, to the 3d extra for flounders you' are wrong again it was 6d extra & this was typewritten m plain" English bii the' bill of fares (reason) you cannot get pheasants same price as- old boiling hens, same with flounders, at times we often pay as much as 18s per dozen at auction to* flounders m this city of the plains, m reference to the waiter refuseing to change a » soverign it may be true or may not, I will not contradict the parties, but as they said they had smaller & then forking ud the smaller amount ' afterwards, they proved thbmselves liars. Very common cqinplaint this, Mr Editor all over the' world. Two years ago a well known bod&ey here, came tig -same ■game^ r .ga.ve ti waiter n. ;id£iThbte ,'io. ,takel6d "out of when we\ were;! 'crowded with > custpmers said -he had notWnk smaMerV I sent a jnan Ijo get change ; at the pub next door result. lVlarinever : came back for two solid hours, the rascal; Poor old bookie fuming & racing all the time waiting for his change afterwards Mr Bo,okie was never known to give 10 £ notes again to take sixpences out of, I still feel sorry for that poor man, he found out two could play the same gain c & he took it to heart &- also a trip to the islands. You say one of your informents was a restaurateur himself, well without trying to be rude there are restaurateurs & restaurateurs; also there is generally a Jimmy 'Ducks on board every ship &no doubt m every city & perhaps I am the Jimmy m this .:;ii.y & your informent the Jimmy m Wellington, but. as water generally finds its own level if your informant has not worked his wav up to my level m his restaurant well there can only be one Jimmy Ducks between us and thats not me. You say I charge 33 to 50 per cent, more for every thing after 10 pm you are wrong again it is only '6d all round & that only after 10 pm on Saturday nights (reason) read your two leaders of the 7th & 21st July , attain and you will see mine. I enclose you one of my advertisements showing restaurant, carts, etc that- I have paid for out of these little extras, thereby finding work for the working man whose champion you are & if you come to Christchurch follow the crowd & give me a look m & he eased of a coin or two as it will fro towards finding work later on for your friends the horny handed when I want the place repainted or rebuilt, as money was made to spend so follow my motto & let it circulate round like I do, I cannot find time to take trips to other cities like some other so called business men as a man that is a business man stops at home to mind his own business SjQ I cannot call on you to thank yqu for your .nice advertisement m this . weeks Truth* wishing you joy & a bigger, circulation for your lovely p.apeV,s With Love ito Johnny. I remain, yours truly G. R. FAIL. High St Gh Ch, 34:ll;06. . In accordance with our custom—believing as we do m the motto : audi alteram partem— -we publish Mr Fail's letter and also accede to his request to publish ifc "m its entirety," just as he dictated it to his typewriter. It is a truly striking piece of comDosition : a veritable literary gem ! We must join issue, however, with our erudite correspondent, on several points. Ballooning prices because there happen to be a few hundred or thousand outsiders m the town, is not making money "a la Johnny Norton." The price of Sydney "Truth 1 " 1 or "Sportsman" is not increased when the city is crowded with strangers at show or race time. The tariff is fixed and it is not juggled with to exploit the sojourners. Secondly : Our informants did not say they ''forked up a smaller amount." The way it was put m the article .referred to was "eventually a sprat was fished tin." The -words were used as fislv puns m a fishy story about. Wrer-priced fish. Of course a "fat."

"Cockney," "Jimmy Ducks" could foot be expected to see the joke. His eyes are too busy popping for people's pence and his grey matter scheming how to "make all I can out ot whom. I. can." Our informants told us that they proceeded to go out and demanded their money back, when change was quickly forthcoming at the "turnstyle," That -was where the sprat was fished for and caught. Thirdly, regarding the statement that this man charges 33 to 50 per cent, extra after 10 p.m., which he has the gall to repudiate. His hill of fare before ms— and a very greasy-thumb-marked object it is— sets forth m plain black and red ink, that every Is dish is is 6d after 10 o'clock, and if Fail's Board schoolmaster failed to teach him that to add half as mucli again to any sum is t 0 increase it 50 ncr cent, then the system must be a lamentable failure or else Fail must be a very poor sample of London Board School product. Every Is 6d dish is charged 2s after the Same hour. Well, if that is not 33 1-3 per cent, (to be exact) then the professor of mathematics at our college was a fraud and should have been gaoled for receiving divers large sums of money under false pretences. Finally, the unpolished word "liar" is thrown back m Fairs fat face. The dirty menu lying on this table is not so greased arid buttered and gravyed, but that the line "Flounders 3d extra, Is 3d; after 10 -p.m. Is ad" cannot be read by the most short-sight-ed. So Fail must himself be a sufferer from this "very Common complaint." Regarding the price of flounders ; as Fail only serves, at th 6 most, half of a poor, " frail little flounder to each customer, he . makes a thundering good* profit, even if " he paid "at times often" as much as 1 18s a dozen. To get half a crown for an eiehteenpenny fish is a fair return* for labor' and firing ! It is to be hoped this friendly little discussion will be satisfactory to the "too fat" proprietor of the "celebrated •restaurant" ; and meanwhile, m his own interests as a business man, Fail really should take a few lessons m arithmetic, m his spare time. Pleased to meat you Fail. Don't fail to go by when you're passing.