THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 73, 10 November 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's paX? Parade his error m the public eye ? And pother Grundy's rage defy?

Co-operate and assist, not criticize and find fault. * ' . * . *

To judge from the mortality tables it is very unhealthy . to be an old age pensioner.

How curious ! All religions are absurd to everybody but the toi.ks who believe m them. .

Everr working man's wife who patronises a Chow yearns m her heart to bear a slant-eyed bastard.

Truth, m a daily newspaper, office, is a joke. The only questions are "will it offend any advertiser ?" and "will it go ?" ;

Some queer samples of weather arc now on tap m Britain. ■ At London the heat is 93 m the shade, and at Lammermuir, a few hundred miles to the north, the snow is sft deep.

An Australian boxer (just returned) on American pugilism : "The Yankee lads just howl for stoush, and their favorite pug is the pea who can turn a ring into a slaughter-house !"

The verdict of the jury m the Lambton-'quay fire has endorsed all said by this paper re the City Council's criminal disregard of the protection of Wellington against fire.

Reflection by one of the spieler brigade now at Christchurch :— Lives of soft marks all remind us

We can make existence pay ; Let us, then, be up and doing Every mug who comes our way

Overheard at the Zibishun Art Gallery :

She : "You don't care much about painting ?"

He: "Yes, I do. But the merest trifle pleases me. A touch of red on the lips, and a shade of bluish black round the eyes."

Food frauds are the lightest, punished of all crimes. A poisoner ala Lucretia Borgia would be sentenced to death. But a trader who slowly but surely poisons the public gets off with a paltry fine— even supposing he happens to be unlucky. Plough . to be

The cup that failed to cheer— the N.Z. Cup. , ■ ■ • . "■ • ■ • Poverty is the spur jtha&jnakes,, mankind get a move on. r -'•" c ~ Better be bent on economy than broken by extravagance. r • . ■■ • • "The Church's problem."— Why $he Devil it exists at all ? ••■ ■ • The sponger who chews your lug often leaves you chewing the cud. • • • . A magistrate puts more "time" into his business than any other civil servant. If the head could only restrain the tongue there would be fewer judicial separations. • * ,« . _ To ascend m a balloon is simple, but when you want to come down the earth may not be there— or it may be there too quick. • # • •- A parson recently ordered by his medical adviser to get away to a "warn . dry, climate," hastened to obey the order, by dying next day. A country newspaper says that duty, "not only attends us m the morning, but accompanies us to bed m the evening." Now what does the writer mean? ■■•-••

The people of the township of Seddpn are asking, with their handkerchiefs to" their noses, if sanitary inspection includes hotels. Bad cess (pool) to their iinperence !

It is announced m Christchurch per advt. that genuine Maori land greenstone is to be exhibited at the exhibition. Well, if they can make greenstone m Germany this writer will eat the very promiscuous sausage every da 7 for a year*

, r *j -;■:• — - -■ -■ ' For fishing with a worm bait for trout and perch m the . Porirua stream, a young man was, at the S.M.s Court last Monday, fined, the costs bringing the total to nearly a "fiver." That's the best fishing story of the season ; anyhow, it's the most expensive.

Never before m the history of the New Zealand Cup has the lawn at Riccarton seen such a display of beautiful dresses and millinery as was scattered about on Saturday last. Was this the result of so many Syd-ney-side barmaids being m Christchurch, or are New Zealand ladies beginning, to realise that there is really nothing wicked m pretty dressing ? ;

There was a crowd m Cuba-street on Saturday night, which was inclined to be a bit unruly. A fight did start, m fact, and a solitary policeman, stationed 100 yds off, getting wind of trouble, -slowly and majestically marched to the scene of conflict, blowing his whistle like a siren. At this the crowd got a scare and ran like deer, leaving the valiant and resourceful copper monarch of all he surveyed. There are some people unkind enough eto say that cop was afraid, but— what do you think •?

A heartless case of child desertion was brought to light before Magistrate McArthur last- Tuesday, when two bright children, a girl and a boy, were committed to the Receiving Home. On the previous day, the mother, bereft of her reason, no. doubt brought about by the desertion of herself and little ones by the noble brute her husband, was sent to the Mental Hospital. The cowardly deserter is a commercial traveller named Emmerson, and as the detectives have got the matter m hand, it is \o be trusted the dog won't be looso long. Sure enough, if caught, he will be fixed up so that he won't desert again m a hurry.

THE OLD MAN OP KILDARE. There was an Old Man of' Kildare, Who "remarked, "I had better prepare For the Heavenly Shore, For I'm past eighty-four, And it's time I was going Up There!"

Well, he went to the Heavenly Gate, Where Peter's the Porter-in-State ; He was ready to falnx When the voice of the saint Said-^"Excuse me, but you'll have to wait."

The saint went away, but forgot To fasten the gate ; like a shot The Old Man of Kildare Popped inside, and I'll swear That he led m a terrible lot.

For ever since then Peter's locked The Golden Gates fast, and he's block- | ed . Every person from earth, Irrespective of worth, By swearing that Heaven's o'erstocked ! (And if half the tombstones tell is true, it is !)

A costly cough (as. per advt. )— one you got last night.; - ■,■: .' •."'■'..■. .■.■■"...'.^■' .■•'. ;'• ■/ '%-.-■-■■ :<■ ■,""■' - - ' 'Wonderltei''' , ;aj \'s6\ Chfistchu'rch Exhibition 'won't belie its name. The Standing Committee of the House of Representatives always site down. ■■■•'■ ■ » - • ■ . There's a world of meaning to a man looking for graft between appointment and disappointment. .». ' ■ .*• ',».-' .■ Thte Canterbury Chess Club has decided to admit lady members. The married ladies will thus l?e enabled to keep their husbands m check. ■■'• ' • • When a paper rays that "a protracted debate took place" it means that not a darned thing was said— not a darned, thing worth, mentioning, that is. , •In Christchurch there is a Ladies' Orange. Lodge called the No. 1 No Surrender. Suggestive. But the Yellow Pup breaks out m curious places sometimes. : #« . • A case of oranges, otherwise an orange lodge, marched along the streets to a little baptist tabernacle, on Sunday morning, and surely naver such a merry Andrew show was paraded under God's dear sunlight !

If Police Court proceedings indicate anything, the- illegitimate birth-rate m Wellington is a corker. One charter of the summons business .is m connection with daddies who have to pay up their maintenance. Another quarter is made up of; daddies to be, who bitterly curse the Pre-Natal Act. * ' • - ■■ * TRUMPS..'-. Wife, when your husband is inclined In evening hours to roam, The pleasures I>hat he; seeks outside Provide for him, at home. Goes he abroad" for *lsels"ChsV' r " ■ Learn to converse with vim ; And if he gives the club his time, Then give the club to him.

"A Wellington Gentleman," writing to the "N.Z. Times," thinks that there should be a motor car track m conjunction with the exhibition, so that visitors might indulge m that "unaccustomed exercise." Motoring as an- exercise is good. What's wrong with wheel-chairs, that are pushed by small boys at 2s an hour, as "an unaccustomed exercise," anyhow ? •••'■■

The most popular side show with the ladies at the Exhibition is undoubtedly the water chute. They fairly shriek with terror as they make the thrilling dive into the lake, and then calmly part up. another sprat to have another go. One of the attendants at least understands the feminine' nature. After piloting a boat-load of fair screamers down the slippery slide the other night, he winked audibly at his mate and remarked, "I would ha' liked my lug m one o 1 their kissers."

The recommendation of Chief Slaughnessy, of the fire brigade of San Francisco, that an auxiliary salt water system for fighting fires be installed at the earliest opportunity has been apnroved by the Fire Commission- of that city. The chief urged that cisterns holding at least 100,000 gallons be established on the various hills throughout the city. Two high-power fire-boats were also recommended for use on the water front. Slaughnessy' 1 s recommendations should most certainly be adopted here.

A commission appointed by the Japanese, whose functions-ba le-b een suspended for the past seven years, has resumed its labors. The object of this commission iis to ascertain which is the .true religion,, m order that it niavys be introduced, into Japan. Now, if the Jap wants to learn something let /him study religion as propounded by the wowser m New Zealand, if after that the clever little alien dpes not tumble to the fact that-., religion robbed of its wowser element. : is; the finest, "Critic" won't hold himself responsible for the happiness of Japan.

If an angry citizen fires a charge of shot into one of those Guy Fawkes gangs early m the morning of next November 5, and peppers a few of the noisy imps who break xthe slumbers of tired people at unearthly hours with their hellish howlings and penny-cadging cries, he will he deser^inp- of a. public testimonial and a, gold medal. Not only is the "celebration" itself a disgusting relic of semi-barbarous days that ought to be forgotten m these, but the smooging for money is a disgrace to modern lads. Also they display amazing stupidity in' supposing that people aroused from sweet sleep by their row are going to hop out of bed and shower largesse on the cause of their shattered dreams.

"England's Peril" — the'yahoos who are eternally running her^down. . The latest mad freak with the pea rifle was to send > one loaded through the post. It exploded m a country oflice Avhen thrown on a table. It's to be hoped the silly sender will be taught a lesson.

Business is never so pressing with some people as at the beginning] of November. It takes the rest of Australia to Melbourne and all other t>arts of New Zealand, to, Christ-, church. Yet they want to suppress the "book" and the tote.

The aspects of life, depend mainly, upon the spectacles through which", they are viewed. The frowsy Hebe behind a third-rate four-penny bar, becomes a veritable vision of loveliness> to the man whose heart is sufficiently warmed with wine— or beer I

Statistics say that there are about 125,000 school children m the colony. Rats ! Why. there must be more than that number m Wellington: alone to judge by a flying-tram' view of any public school at "playtime," and the volume of sound produced !

The speed of Wellington ! You can't get a toothpick m any . restaurant and when asked the reason one proprietor said he had asked Blinky Blank* and Co. to indent some for him, nine months ago. The order is still unexecuted ! Fine; hustling, up-to-date people, Wellingtonians t,

Owing to a stiff blow 41 lighthouses were destroyed on the Atlantic seaboard of the Southern States of America. Uncle Sam's ramshackle beacons remind one of the old wooden Eddystone, which^disappeared altogether, with its architect, Winstanley. The Yankee blowhards are a hundred years behind the times m some things. ■• • •

Ninety-nine people out of a hundred who: go' tb^'a^physiciah have no '■'organic disease, but are merely suffering from some symptom of their own indiscretion. The doctors medicate them till their organs do become diseased and then the doctors quadruple their harvest. The patient— generally dies from the accumulated evil effects of medication.

The sporting fraternity of Sydney are forming a League to politically and otherwise combat the Stigginses. About time, too ; and we could do with, a similar combination m N.Z., where the parsons and their nose-led old women of both sexes fight m a solid and smelly phalanx against the scattered forces of people who want to enjoy a life free from cant and superstition.

Perhaps the abnormal cranial development, locally, consequent on the success of the All Blacks against England will commence -to subside now that the comparatively "new" South Africans are wiping the veldt with the same centres m England, and with a bigger wipe at that. It don't seem a very hard task to wallop the dean old Mothah Country at, Rugger or any other old thing.

To show the far-reaching power for evil of the quack' advertisement, a very reputable medical gentleman, of Wellington was recently knocked speechless by being told by an old maid patient of his that she was sure she suffered from varicocele ; she had been reading Doctor Squeezem's advertisement and had the symptoms. And this was quite a well-to-do and educated woman*, too.

Ma irrashus ! Thufferin Rachel ! Also Fader Aperaham ! Mishta Morrish Schapiro says he did not say m the box he was born m Potsdam, Germany, but m the Province of Kurland, at Pickalen. The reporters who could mix up one of those for the other and so sadly misreport the honest and virtuous centleman must be suffering from shypooitis of the auricular nerve. Eh, what ?

The Christohurch Museum has recently had a collection of lepidoptera and coleoptera added to its million and six other items of interest. For the benefit of those who don't understand the foreign languages, this means butterflies ' and beetles. The collection is a very excellent one, but as far as the lepidoptera are concerned it doestf't stand deuce high compared with Mr Bert Royle's private collection m > Wellington.

At Richmond, Vie, races the other day, when the only scratching, Gold Dust, was made, lihe board showed that the starters for the first race were Garters, Stockings and Pretty Girl. One old lady punter was heard to remark that it was a bloomer, but the mention of bloomers m conjunction with the other things was too much for even those tough hard-faces, and not a woman put a bit on Garters, which won. Many's the time carters ■ b»,ve won over pretty girl.

Parsons everywhere and not a one wanted. Even, the rain guage is m - « ■■■.-.• ■ »

"Critic" has a friend w hose babyboy's initials are L.S.D. When that boy reaches man's estate he ought to be a millionaire. Few o! us ever get such a start m life.

The evolution of the aboriginal ! A full-'hlooded Northern Queensland blackfellow, who was the crack hue..jump rider of -the Gulf country, is now. the chauffeur of a London motor car magnate !.

The most remarkable thing . ■ about the Wilson electrocution at Miramr.r last Saturday was the astonishing ignorance displayed by Weldon and deceased, of the danger of fooling with- electric wires.

Some Government official or another would do well to peruse "A Victim's" letter, headed "A Cranky Cocky," m our correspondence column. It is evident that the Cocky m question needs gently but firmly interviewing.

It was nothing but . scandalous neglect that caused the death of poor young Wilson, by electrocution, at Miramar, and the company that allowed its wires to dangle ,and belly a few feet from the ground is responsible for his terribly sudden offtakihg.

Woman the equal of man ? Sure ! Loqk, now, by her own unaided efforts., she has enabled the Chinese to monopolise the green-grocery business dl Wellington. She's a 'peach and a patriot and exemplifies ever/ davthe wisdom of those Great Legislators who gave her the franchis-s to play with.

The speed age. The latest French motor-boat, a craft 28ft long and 50 horse .power, does nearly -50 miles an hour. In shape it is more like a small whale than anything else, for its bows are blunt, and it tapers gradually from bow to stern. Its rudder, too, is horizontal, like the flukes of a whale.

Booth's bounders are areal showmen every time. Doing the N.Z, smalls .just now is Major Dennis, of Wellington, who served "time" for street preaching, who gives his gaol experiences m the Salvation Army Halls. Both Major and Mrs Dennis appear m prison garb. Anyhow, where did they get the garb from. The prison authorities ought to make enquiries.

The fishing liar has crept from his oyster shell and is going it strong. Here is one from a simple exchange : —"A son of Mr A. Eddie, of Marigahao, was fishing m the Matarawa creek last week, when he hooked a fish, which made unusually strong efforts to escape. After considerable manoeuvring the boy got it near the edge and gaffed it on the shingle. He then discovered that -he had hooked a fourteen inch trout, which a large eel had caught hold of after it had been hooked, and had kept its grip until landed on the batik." Jonah and the whale holds the record up-to-date and takes a lot of beating.

A' . specimen pf the Wellington landlady. A gentleman and his little son of eight years paying. stiff price for board and lodging. Boy unwell couple of days. Doctor recommends slight operation. Two doctors perform it. Boy around m two more days. Landlady tells father : "Last gentleman who was ill m your room gave me five guineas extra. I suppose you will do the same." "What for? You had no trouble, nor did you provide any extras." "Well, there was extra washing— three extra towels— l had to open the door to the doctors. Besides, it is disgusting Saving an operation m the house. And the boy comes into the parlor m his boots instead of putting on slippers, and that wears the carpet." Eventually the rotten-hearted hag compromised for two guineas extra. But she's got a room to let now.

A Mastertonian on going into a Chinaman's shop m thai town the other day was approached by a Chow, who, m his peculiar brand of English, asked the customer- what he wanted. There being several women m the shop at the time the customer replied "Ladies first." The Chow hesitated for a moment and then asked again what the customer wanted, who again repeated "Ladies first." Ching Chong then seemed as though he would not like to ask again, but gazed, all round the shelves but could not find t-ha required article. He then asked another Chow m the shop, m his own language, what he meant, and the explanation caused much laughter among those present. If that same Chow does not know how much each or per dozen "Ladies first" are, he knows sixpence from a shilling or two shillings 1 from half-a-crown. You bettee.