THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 59, 4 August 1906, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's po g??--Parade his error m the public eye ? . .And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

The order of love is golden. • • ■ . * ; • Grains of comfort : Brewer's grains. •' • * The undertaker's motto— Give us this day our daily dead. • ■■ • • '■ Queer-street would be nearer the mark— after dark— up m Auckland. '■ • ' . * ■ * Bad cooking is responsible for the payment of many, premature life insurance risks. • .• •' ' 0 When a man says he's satisfied with life you know his creditors haven't been pressing him lately. '"■ *' ■• ■.' ; •', ' * TherD ard numerous men m town who run more than one female establishment, but they never complain of the fact m public. The sequel to a police court case! heard m Wellington last October is the honeymoon trip down the West •Coast of the South Island of ths litigants. " • • * 'It'll be a case of the last wire breaking the telegraph poles, ditto ! repeato to Wellington's, recent al- ] arming episode, if the Auckland City i : fathers arn't wary. •• ' « "WORKER" WAY. Quoth 'Journalist-Socialist Way, "All tho boss-blokes, had I my way, Should be fed every day upon whey, > Until next to nothing they'd weigh." • • ' m. Recent' shipping disasters are erroneously put down as "acts of God" by unmitigated asses. They are the result mostly of Acts of Parliament— ■or the want of them., •. • * Some alleged noospapers hereabouts try to boom their microscopic circulations by ladling out stouch to prominent citizens one week and , .apologising the next., • • y Strange, but true, that nearly m- ! variably clever girls are atrociously ugly and unattractive. Take any group of girl-graduates and see if there's a pretty or even pleasant face m it. ■ » .*. * i The prohibited, person m fairly, good ! circumstances doesn't card a tin tack about the order so long as he can eel, a keg delivered by the brewery, or?, "dozen of mixed" from the grog merchant. • W ■■■ * ■ i The country press again. Under the heading of "the stud," a local marriage is advertised. The intelligent compositor again ? — p'raps— p'raps not. More likely the grim joke of a slighted editor!, i; • . * » ■ '. ■ A r big drum man m a southern hand has been m trouble for bashing his wife. She made much 1 more row than the parchment instrument, and he'll no doubt beat something that can't, speak m future., • * X The scarcity of coin m many, households is due to plausible timepayment people inducing imprudent housewives beyond their depth. Household articles are often purchased at the expense of great misery. • ♦ *. There's a simple young man of Parnell ; He came> into town quite a swell,; But he started to run, When a girl— just for funSaid that she was his sweet nonpareil. • • » Men who are reported missing aire often cavorting round m the enjoyment of the peace and good health they haven't experienced for years. Henpecked hubby now-a-days is the most missing man on the surface of this globe.,

Wanted to toipw— The whereabouts of -the portmanteau; left '! behind by, Mr iGeprge Wallace when he jnti&e; his^ hur^ ao\ssss!^sPJ:l% jrfV th^ Orient^ •■■Hpitelivstim^^ijiOTiths;, baclc.; Are you- lis,tefi%ngi Mr , T-wenty> ; two'ypiiits'J .>■".' ■ V;; ,' '..'■•■.;;" '■'", ' ' Matrimony. — Young; ]'■'" gentleman would like to- correspond with lady, with view to same ; photo optional.— "Con Amore," Auckland "Herald" office. Bet the lady's bank balance won't be ■ optional ..■■though" ■ when it comes to bizj . ■•■ '■ .■♦"'■ ■/"■' ' ' The periodical sales of unredeemed pledges indicate the vacuum of the pocket, and show how the indigent patch up their multy; finances. But there are a large number m the community so poor that they have nothing to pledge. ; *.. ■■ . ,-. - ' *',-" ; '."'' ' * Shakespeare, to Billy Richardson, Auckland's one and only :— The gods are deaf to hot and peevish vows, ■ ' '■ . . They are polluted offerings, more ab- , horr'd' Than spotted livers m the sacrifice. • • •■ • ' When a cove wanting lodgings advertises himself as a staunch teetotaller, or a Christian young man, its a sign for the other people m the house he goes to to double lock their belongings. Such snumebust'ers arn't to be ■ trusted worth n. crimson anvil. The Duma having been dissolved by Nick it looks considerate odds 'on the Russian revolution, with the slaughter and' rapine necessarily attendant on civil war, coming at last. Next to the Auckland-Wellington rugby match its the biggest thing going just at present. * •.'"*■ Since "Truth" opened an office at Durham Buildings', Auckland, last week, no less than four life insurance canvassers have called, frantically ■seeking to insure the staff's life. The next oneywill be bumped ■artistically down the steps on his napper.. It gets on the nerves. ".; ■♦' • • ' The Emperor Nicholas is evidently preparing for the coming debacle m Russia. Fearing compulsory expropriation of their lands, the members of the Imperial Family have sold all their forests to German financiers, headed i by the Mendelssohns of Berlin, for about £10,000,000. ♦ ■■ • " • From the Otago "Times" .5 Young Man (19) Wishes to-Make the acquaintance Young Lady same age, view to matrimony.— Lonely, "Times" Office. Lonely" ought to take Mr Punch's aidvice : Don't. Anyhow, he's very young to begin feeling lonely, *■ » • It is common talk m the district that some 60 Chinamen have leased for two years a large area pf land m the vicinity pf the Otaki railway station, and a local paper says that Otaki should soon boast of being the market garden of the colony. Yes, quite a Flowery Land, as it were \ • • .• * Some of the desperadoes driving the trams through Auckland's busy thoroughfares are looking for more trouble, and they'll find it m the form of two or three mangled corpses; shortly. But what's the terrific hurry, anyhow ? Nobody seems to have not notnink to do when they, arrive so suddenly, J • •- \ * ■ 'A' large quantity of surprise drifted through the atmosphere at Christchurch last week when the news circulated that the police had prosecuted a dirty fellow for spitting on the footpath. He was chewing bacca, expectorating everywhere, and he told the copper that he was curing a toothache. It cost him ten bob. ■ • • * .■ • • DIGGER DICK SEDDON.. No title made by kings hung to,< his-. name, By worth, and worth alone, he earnundying fame. The people loved I The people made Him knight by ballot accolade. The marble where his bones are laid ' ; Should read : "PLAIN DICK." i * # « It is reported that 50 temporary clerks employed at the Government Buildings m Wellington have been given notice that they will not be required after the end of the present month. The temporary clerk of the Civil Service is generally of a clinging disposition. "Critic" would like to know what the. move is now' ? » • . « Judging by the following advt. m the Christchurch "Star," the holy city must be a very fine place for pastry cooks to be out of : Wanted, First-class pastry cook ; must be a good ornamenter ; wages 25s per week. Apply to Foreman, Cafe Royal. We wonder what the generous Cafe Royal proprietary would offer a se-cond-class pastry cook who was only an amateur sort of ornamenter %

They rWere strolling; alons past the Grey statue, Auckland, arm m arm on -Saturday night. '■'|j.'m going to '. hliye .the- Joys qi Love before Tuesday night, if Ivppssibly can," said ; -she m a Voice that reverberated above the traffic's roar. 'Twas the song of that title she meant, of course, but- it sounded strange nevertheless. 'mm * i At the Auckland Trades' Council' last 'week one speaker said that a lot of immigrants came, having heard that work was waiting ;' like ripe cherries "to drop into their mouths." A somewhat jumbled .metaphor. Mayhap Graham meant that all the work these newchums want is knife drill and armlifting.. He may, be right m that sense. » ■« « At a recent pigeon and canary exhibition at Auckland , one of the yellow members/of the feathery trite was found plucked of its plumage. Now a reward of £20 is offered for the conviction of the dirty, contemptible, ' cruel skunk who did sucn a ttiing. "Something lingering with boiling oil m it" is the punishment suggested by an exchange. • ; ■ »■ * • ■ ■ ■ The Auckland police have, been moving heaven and earth to get convictions for indecent post-card sellingbut so far the newsagents have been miles too cute. One elongated individual called three times 'on one dealer and implored him to sell him an "Adam and Eve." He thought the Victoria-street man was "hiding something from him," apparently. ♦.■ • * By the advice of a Maori tohunga a large number of wahines are wearing small bottles containing brandy next to the skin, which is 1 supposed to he a preventative and cuire for all kinds of ailments. Mean pakehas who hold the same opinion concerning the curative powers of brandy prefer to have it inside. No doubt the Maori will »oon be of that way of thinking, too. *.. ■ ■,*.■■■■ • ■ The short-handed press. In, an obituary notice the "Rangatikei Advocate" remarked that : "The" funeral takes place at. Marton to-mor row and two children," and went on to deplore ,the death of quite another person than the one that lot applied to. Also, m Jin advertisement, it announced that a) local rag-man was offering: "Boys felt school hats, worth 3s &d, at 3s lid." The "Advocate" badly needs a reader. The elated person who unlawfully rids himself of his lawful spouse, and celebrates the event with whisky, isn't wise to ■quaff an overdose. At Christohuroh a man with a foreign moniker, who got run m for shicker, was found to be identical with one who was wanted on a charge of wife desertion m the North Island. He was so surprised at his identity being discovered that he didn't say a word* He was "speechless" m any. event. Those callous creatures who are constantly advertising m the columns ■of the dilly-dailies for "kind" persons to adopt babies aged 0 and upwards don't ( deceive thinking folk. They, don't care a damn how kind or inhuman the persons may happen to be so long as they relieve them of the unwanted babes. But what price the dailies for printing: this type of ad . which -is what' makes baby-farm-ing practicable. Are you listening Auckland "Herald" and "Star".?, ■ *.'■■ •'■*••■ This is the sort of "poultry" "The Young Man," the organ of the Young Men's Christian Association, serves out to its pale readers— . Oh, happy night, deliverHer kisses back* to me; • Or keen them .-all; and give her. A blissful dream ,pf me. . ■ > A' dose pf the song of Solomon on. top- of that should just afcput make them fully aware thai; a nice girl is a tempting dish to handle. i. ■■■ ■ ■:■ • *• ■ : We're surprised at the N.Z. "Hei•ald." After announcing that Queen j Wilhelmina had again had a premature confinement, it sauvely arnounced m a footnote that Her Majesty was married on Feb. 7, 1906 to Duke Henry of Mecklenburp;-Schweir < And as though it hadn't libelled tho Royal lady enough it brazenly, added that her first premature accouchment was m April, 1902. For its own sake it's a good job the 'oary 'Erald 'oists it 'aughty, 'cad a long way from 'Olland. • * c It is a known fact (according to a Wanganui paper) that one or more of the teachers at the Aram oho school have taken to cutting the boys* hair at Id per head. This is rather a strange thing for a public servant to take on who is getting paid by the Government and it is just as bad for a man, say a carpenter or a painter, to allow his boys to have their hair cut at the school for Id, when there are so many hairdressers In Waneanui up to Aramoho." If such is the case probably the Minister for Education will have something to say. Perhaps Bard Burke will write a poem on it..

% Queer' admission was made by a Christohurch woman at Court t'other; day* «fce,,)fKul taken out a complaint against hubby with a view to obtain^ ingi-a '•< ' Or der ,' and when she" met hiih they, had a confab. The result wafe that she took him along to Crown Prosecutor Stringer's private .house td get that legal luminary to defend him, and' subsequently she. pointed 6ut Mr Donnellps office to him. Tlifen she withdrew the matter from . Cqurt.l .Verily, women are strange insects. ' . T i*' '■ ■ •■ ■■ '■ •' ■ ' An exchange says that' the carrying of nq~licefi|e'in Oamaru is likely to be fraught Uvith indirect results, one of which w^,s noticeable the other day, when the sergeant of police and the gaoler were; out m front of the gaol, divested of: their coats, vigorously tutrning the soil which, for many years past, i\t has fallen to the lot of some unfortlinate "drunk," to'cultivate. ArtyhqjW, hard work will not hurt the cops^ A lot of, it would do a whole lot o? good. *\ • • I MEAN Tp MARRY A MAN I want no scented, extravagant dandy, Who bragsr.qfliiis vices and debts, Dines every .; evening on coffee and brandy, And sups 'on bejrfumed cigarettes. I must liave^^teader, a maker of history, ;■ - ].^ . One who intenfr* to, and can :' Courage and ,g«lt ,^ln him, honesty, writ m hini^j - ;' ■. .';.'. I, mean to m^M^Man. . ' ♦ v^^i • ■ .■.».- . ...... \ Addressing they Grp\yd m . Queenstreet, Auckla^d^ Jt!other Sunday night a wire-w^hi^^cecl 1 ! wowsei] of tlie pump push got dn tp';the subject of brains. "If m^diflat stiid'ents," quoth he, u want a (man's, brains to experiment on they Choose those of an habitual drunkard. s His brains are 'pickled' by the aJcohol- he has imbibed. Now, Mr, Richardson's brains wouldn't be ofi any u§e to them. Thsv; are too soft; V. .i . i" Poor old Billy. Softening:- of '\ tiie brain— but his cold-water cronies' shouldn't give him away like that;. -■■■ •;' -■"•■ V V ' Anyone going to v Lieildmg onibusiI ness-buying. bent had load himself with a trunk full of credentials, unless he's looking ' for trouble. A | taking sort of individual '< alighted there a few weeks ba^k who bought up five businesses, all the champagne m the town and a other trifles. Then he retired to \get the -, money, but hasn't returned tp date. :Neither has he sent back the' various odd sums he borrowed "oh his facte,", and business buyers m Feijdmg are <!own below, par just at present., [ "Truth's" strictures bnithe-Coron-er's .professional juror -h^s evidently borne fruit. We sugrgested: last iissue that clean and respectable men should be called upon to perform -.feuch responsible duties. Evidently the police hearkened unto what was' ,i*aid, as last Monday morning one of "^ruth's" staff was requested to serve* on; a jury. "Critic" does not -wisß to ■be 1 too pointed but must complmient tlie police for diving into such 'a realm, of respectability as "Truth" At ike same time it was daminconyenient —when the staff wanted a '"drany." ■> , >» ' * '■ k '' \ Is the Seamen's Mission a missiotj. for seamen or is it a howling Little, Bethel for a mob of longshore. Vhis^ kerous wowsers ? This qudjsticn is \ agitatinp; the minds of seamen who 1 would wish to attend and find thst it is closed all day and only! opened from, 6 to 10 p.m., and even tlien, unless they will go to church and Hear a dreary sermon, they must perforce stay out m the cold till service Vis over or adjourn to the pubv The place, if it is to be what it\ piirports to be, should be open all; day so that sailornien could find m it a refuge from the multitudinous tempi tations that beset Jack-ashore, \whbj does not always want pumpinc \full'of "the Word" m and out of seasons. As th,imrs are, sailors say they \are' not wanted there at all ; Mister Mis-; sionary Moore preferrinp; 'landsmen; and their offeriners. Well what's he ; doing; m a Sailors' Mission then ? ( ! ■ * ' • * * - '';'!■ The following is going the rounds of" the country press and assuredly needs ■ no comment : "A good deal has been written at various times about Child > slavery m Taranaki. What gives! cause for such writing is such cases as! the following. An .instance was men-! tioned m a recent meeting of the Mas-i terton School Committee. A boy,; who is nearly 10 years of age and is only m Stardard 11., has to rise at 5 o'clock every morning, meeting si milkcart at 5.45 a.m r , and delivering milk till close on 9 o'clock— the, hoyr at which school opens. He has nothing to eat from the previous night till school is dismissed at 12.30 6'clock. His earnings for these early morning services represent the munifl-, cent sum of 2s 6d a week. The Committee decided to write to the boy's father and also to his employer, pointing out' that unless the boy is more J humanely treated some decisive action will be taken by. the committee."