CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXII, Issue 22166, 20 July 1935, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

A landlady is one who minces everything but her words. Wireless, we are told, is still in its infancy. Those noises you hear must be it cutting its teeth. A traveller relates that even the smallest Russian children drink vodka. Tiny tots for tiny tots? The pre-war girl blushed when she was ashamed, says a cleric. The modern girl is ashamed when she blushes. " Dad, can you tell me where the Pyrenees are?" " How should I know? Ask your mother; she's been spring cleaning." "In spito of the silly jokes about us," said the plumber, "we've forgotten nothing. My mate's hero, and we've got our tools —" " Yes, I know, but you've come to the wrong house."

SALESMANSHIP Customer: 14 Are those eggs strictly fresh?" Grocer (to his assistant): "Feel thoso eggs, George, and see if they're cool enough to sell yet." TRICKED The stranger entered the barber's shop with a little boy and asked for a haircut, shave and shampoo. " By the way," ho said, after his toilet had been completed, "do you sell tobaccoP " " Sorry, sir, Fm afraid we don't," replied the barber, "but there's n tobacconist opposite." " All right," said the customer. " I'll slip across tho road and get some. Mcanwhilo you can givo the lad a haircut." Twenty minutes wont by and tho barber began to got uneasy. " Your father's a long time," ho said at last. " I suppose lie's coming baclcP" "That wasn't my father," the boy replied. " That man stopped mo in tho road and askod me if I'd like a free haixcufci"

" The bank has returned that cheque of mine." "Splendid! What can we buy with it this time?" " Don't stay too long on a first call," says a book on etiquette. That's right, put your hostess at her ease by being easy-going. A man charged with a motoring offence said he ate a pork pie and fainted at the wheel. He must have found some pork in it. If in July you catch a cold, It's easy to endure it, When compared with being told A million ways to cure it. " But I've signed your autograph book before, sonny," said the cricketer. "Yes, 1 know," replied the small boy, "but when 1 get ten of yours I can swap it for one of Jack Hobbs." " It is possible to get tanned even if there is no sun," says a writer. A small boy who interfered with the mechanism of his father's deck-chair was painfully conscious of the truth of this. TABLES OF MEASURE Two nips make one glass. Two glasses make one pint. Two pints make one talkative.

HAD ENOUGH " If you are tired of dancing, let us sit down and have a little tete-a-tete." " No, thank you. After such a big supper 1 really couldn't cat a thing." SO HE'S LEAVING " Do you think you can keep that desperado in jail?" " I don't know," answered Cactus Joe. " We're doin' our best. We have fired two cooks he didn't like, given him credit at the off-licence, and subscribed for all the magazines. But somehow we don't seem able to keep him satisfied." REMINDER The supreme holiday optimist was the man who took his family out for a drive and a picnic in the family car. When they were miles from anywhere the heavens opened and down came a tremendous shower. " Dear me," said the optimist. "How fortunate! That reminds me that we forgot to bring any water for the kettlo." JOURNEY'S END The train came to a grinding stop at a small town in the south, and the head of a Netrro protruded from a window. Seated bv his side could bo Been a brown-skinned maiden. " Docs yo' know a cullud person by do name o' Jim Brown what lives hero? " ho asked of the station lounger. " Ain' nevah heard o' no Jim Brown liyah, an' Ah lived in dis town fo ton ycahs." " Ts yo' right suah dcy ain't nevab been no Jim Brown aroun' hyahP " " Positutely." " Den," announced the arrival, reaching for a suitcaso, " dis is whali his now eon-in law gita

The closer a man is the harder he is to touch.

Two Important Points to Remember With Those Small Cars: Keep up the revs. Keep up the payments.

Young air pilots are told not to be discouraged if they crash. So if at first you don't succeed, fly, fly, fly again.

A famous beauty specialist says that not one women in ten could pass a beauty test. As a result, not one woman in ten can pass a beauty parlour.

If it is true that hens were never cheaper, why is it that every one you run over in the road is a valuable pedigree bird worth at least a guinea?

"And you won't be one of those husbands who raise objections every time their wives anything?" "No, darling, you may want anything you like."

The film story of the week concerns a Hollywood producer who had engaged an alien star. " She sure is a nice goil," he said, " and I'm gonna loin her English."

A man who scratched his initials on a shilling in 1910 has become possessed of the coin again. We must try the idea with a pound note the next time we happen to have one.

EASILY DONE " So you aro a survivor of a shipwreck I Tell mo how you enmo to bo saved." " Well, you see 1 missed tho boat." SAFE DISTANCE " John, you must discharge the cook. She was impertinent to mo and threatened to throw 1110 out of tho kitchen." " Tho ideal 1 shall certainly discharge her. No one can talk to my wife like that and not answer to nio for it." " I'm glad to hear you say that, John, Maggie is in tho kitchen now." " All right. I'm going to tho office. When you hear tho telephone ring, tell j Mnpfgio I .want to speajs to her. J

Answer to Correspondent: " No, Enameline. Nitrates are not cheaper than day rates. Yearn While You Learn: A Hollywood advertiser offers lessons in lovemaking. A thief was arrested recently for stealing ten shillings from a journalist. It is not known where the journalist got the money. Who said women have no sense of humour? The more you humour them the better they like it. Answer to Correspondent: No, Albert, the expression "light fiction" does not usually refer to your electricity bill. " My wife is having hysterics I Can you give me something to quieten her? " Sorry, old boy, but I haven't j;ot a cent 1" Insects, says a naturalist, were on earth millions of years before human beings. How did the moths fill in the long winter months before there were dress suits? Old Goldbags led his in-her-tcens bride to the little church and toward the altar. Discreetly the verger came forward. " Aren't there any other'godparents, sir?" he asked. HO LUCE " That fellow Jacobs has owed me a tenner for two years." " Can't you get it out of him?" " Not a cent. But that's not the worst of it. 1 heard he'd started a debtcollecting business, so I wrote to him and asked him to collect my debt." " What happened?" " He replied that all efforts to collect the money had failed, and charged me a guinea expenses." ————— * '" " BOTH RIGHT An American visitor to Germany was being shown the objects of interest in the city of Frankfurt. The guide drew his attention to a statue. " Who's that? " asked the American. " That is Goethe," he was told. " Goethe? Who was lie? " " Ho was the author of ' Faust.' " "The author of ' Faust. 'P Oh, yes. And you pronounce it ' Goethe ' do you? in my country we say 'Gounod.' " HOBSON'S CHOICE It was tho day of the country golf championship, and Ilobson was starting his first round. He was a good go 1 for, but oil occasions like this he became terribly nervous. To-day was no exception, especially as a largo crowd had gathered to watch tho players drive off. Mrs. Hobson stood among the spectators and she was filled with pride as Hobson took his stance at the first too. After a little waggle ho swung his club and missed. Head silence'reigned. Another swing and he, missed again. For tho thin! time he tried, again ho missed. This time the crowd broke into a burst of laughter. . ' Hobson's wife was furious at their | derision. ■; „ , ~ •' " It's no laughing matter, she said, angrily. "Nobody hates hiamuw* J more than my husband!