ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXI, Issue 9617, 15 September 1894, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

An undertaker is generally a most obsequies man. A close friend.The one who never lends you anything. Sampson brought down the house, bub nobody called for an encore. We often sympathise with a dog when we think of the man who owns it.

"No news is good news," but it won't do to run a daily paper on that principle. What is a friend A friend is a man who points out the silver lining in the clouds to avoid lending you an umbrella. A Chinese thief having stolen a missionary's watch, brought it back to him the next day to be shown how to wind it up. Orator : " Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the wealth of a country is in its soil." Old farmer (in the back seat) : " Ye never tried farmin', did ye V Minks: " A noted preacher say? that American boys have no reverence. W inks: "Guess he never saw a group of them gazing at a picture of Corbet "Just my luck," exclaimed the man from the rural district; "I've turned off that darned electric light and there ain't a match in the room to light it again." Her lover : " I assure you, Mr. Meyer, I cannot live without your daughter." Her father (reputed to be well off): " Oh, my dear young fellow, you over-estimate my— income."

"I don't know how it is," said one bachelor to another, " but I am getting awfully tired of club Hie. I'm afraid I shall have to get married in order to appreciate it again thoroughly." Little Dot: " I wish I was a boy." Little Dick. "Why?" Little Dot: "'Cause girl always feels so wicked w'en she does anything wrong, an' a boy don't Boys just goes right along and has a good time. Editor: "Who wrote these verses?' Poet (proudly): "I did, sir." Editor: "Yon are a brave man." Poet (blushing): " Thank you, sir." Editor : " Yes ; only a brave man would dare to acknowledge the deed."

Ethel: " Mamma, were you much of a flirt when you, were young?" Mother: "Yes, indeed." "And were you ever punished for flirting ?" Mother (sighing): " Yes, my dear. I was married to your father as the result of a flirtation "

A horrid suspicion of cannibalism hangs about the advertisement of a St. Louis man : " Wanted a good girl to cook, and one who will make a good roast or broil and will stew well." Almost as barbarous is a farmer near Fulton, N.Y., who posted this notice in his field: "If any man's or woman's cows or oxen gits in these oats, his or her head will be cut off, as the case may be." Col. Poldowiczi (of the Russian police): " Has the prisonerski confessed ?' Sergeant Scwizesi: " No, your Hignessovich. We have beatenski him with our clubs, cub off one of his earsovich, burnt the soles or his feetski with hot ironskoff, and tried the thumbscrewovich on him, but he absolutely refuses to confe9ski." Col. P. (sternly): " Then, as a last resortski, try the effect of a recitationskoff by a young lady elocuqionistOTich." Nihilist prisoner (screaming): "Have mercy! I confess! I confess!" ». • ■- : ■ - -