An Eye for Everything.

Mataura Ensign, Issue 39, 28 September 1895, Page 2

An Eye for Everything.

1 [By CTCLors] I SI'EAKINO socially, there his been a laniintablo paucity of news during the past week — not (iron a decent dog conflict has occurred I to dispel the monotonous gloom which hangs over tho social sphere of Gore liko a dewy oat receptacle— or, to use a beastly vu'garism, like a wet sitk. Sill speaking socially, I wsuld like to in- ; sert my clarion-like shriek just here oga'nst . tbe number of ancestry of Gore ctninci ' Oft in tha sfcillj night as I tear my marb'e brow in tha vain endeavor to scratch out an inspiration, 89 to speak, a nondescript Liodoptafil assembles beneath the oasemont * and balohes forth its troubled soul in gh istly 1 yearnings after sustenanca. i Nor is this all. As I gaily trip the gutter , on my homeward patb, long p\st the hour ' when the busy world has been gatheroi unto tha wire woven, or kapok .arms of Morpheus, 1 some enterprising pup of foreign extraction, almost invariably inserts nil glistening fangs into my scanty tromsean, and I deem myself 1 fortunato if the Sliylock incident is not > carried into actual fulfilment, and the alien . dog aforesaid does not bear away in triumph, . a portion of my bleating c»lf, wrapped in a Kiipoi tweed trousers leaf. 1 That our corrupt and tyrannical Pirlia- ' mont, drawing L 240 a year and groceries, I should sit in their gildod chamber discuss ing tariffs, while their constituents in Gore aro in danger cf getting their calves bitten 1 olf in Main Street, is cowardly in tbe truest sense -cf the term. (N.B,— Matches and . candle sank with thin joke). , I am not tho only oie who his suffered. Many of our respected townsman have been simi'arly mutilated, ns I observed at the , opening run of the Cycling Club on Wadnesi day.

[ I pkuceive that tho Gore Swhnminz Club : takes its first annual bath on Outobir 16 Swimming is a grand institution, and baa been tho means of preventing thousands from twanging the golden harp too ei'ly in life. > From statistics on the matter, I find that ' any parron de3irous of exploring the hiunts r of tha dampened mermaid, or the succulent . eal, without having acquired a previous . knowledge of swimming, has but two chances of requiring clothes again — viz., his own and : a gantleman named Bickloy's. I Talking about opining ceremonies of bathing clubs, reminds me of a mots-grown chestnut with which J.CaMir (since deceased) usad to convulse the Pict'. Here it is : — A certain colliery compiny, employing a . large number of men, were in the hibit of running an excursion train from the mines down to the seaside, some considerable dis--1 tance away, every year, by way of a picnic for their employees. , Oa one such holiday, two of the miners , were in the s"a bxthing, each assisting the other to perform his ablutions. Slid one, "I sty Bill, you're — — dirty." " I a'pose lam a bit" icplied tbe cb'jerful William, , "you know I missad the excursion last year." So purchase your bath brick in good time, all you who aro members of tha Gjre 5.0., and who were, by reason of pressure of busii ness, domestic trouble?, and other causes, prevented from participating in the opening ceremony last year, and, if possible, intro--1 duco your dimpled Hrnbs to the babbl ng brook — the Waikika, before the snows of winter again remind us that we are another year nearer total prohibition and the grave.

I AJ{ a strong supporter of colqnjil industry, and up till a few days ago, I belie v.ti that everything tbe average New cou}d desire in the way of food, drink anil raiment, ' could be produced within tj)o domains of this new and welUassorted country, but, l.kc the unsuccessful pugilist who emerged from tbo fray with a dutt < f blaok eyes, my viowa bavo undergone a modification. I purchis.'d a pug of tobacco, made either in New Zjaland or Austi'alii, the other day, and had a smoke. My family doctor w*s absent at the timo, but thoamiteur ceraa'ery caterer who attended me said my spark of life hid almost Had, when he providentially caught it and put it back. This tob'eco, I mty also mention, is labelled "Virginia plug." I don't know why it issocilled, unlest it be tb\t when you smoke it in Now Zialaud it can be smelt in "Virginia. Tuis is an open question— veiy open, I raiy say. Bit I have since repented of my evil ways and bought a new mouth, ancJ'iH %b %orld 'seams juyoiis once again,

Oy all the things fftat licsrile the inmost soul of poor mortal mm upon this terrestrial globule, the bore who will porsist in unloading bis stool* cf general Unov'-e 'ga (sic) upon you at every available opportunity is perhaps the most viru'ent. Tba tin mousotrap purveyor, and tho guile? less book fiend, are simply dead to the world wbon pitted against him. But there is some justification for them ; the mousetrap soloist or the eloquent flautist for sime so-called publication do not harangue with you for mere pastime — they reckon to make so much far harangue, aud disgorge their stock of persuasive oratory merely as a commercial speculation and nothing further. With the general knowledge bora it is diff'orqnt. JJ-3 usually prates__and-ba_bi.les-oti- " culchaw," tnrW,-:- aud injects his allegod_w4sdem into all and sundry witu a"si opeTf : handed generosity worthy of a better c.i i) so. One such benefactor of ignorant humanity singled me out for h : s eeanca tho other day, and after a few preliminary " haws '' and n,jr°}',".<i °i nothing at ail, proceeded to strew hia pß»rla all 'round njQ. Literaturo was tjip burden of hjs lay, and after a brilliant peroration upon dead and dying authors, hb bemoaned the fact of tbo recent decoase of tho tilented authoress cf , ju,t at the zenith of her literary career. Taking advantage of the fraternal flow of tears which wollod unbidden in his hyacinth orbs, I left him welling ovor the pasßed out autliorofs, and oecaped on tha lee side of a friendly perambulator. Judge of my surprise then when I discovered a little later that the perpetrator of this fadbk imp a Jijiß, and so far from being in the cold damp past, 'wWatiJl jn tjie boonIng present, with the genith businols in full swing.

City people are usually treated to a few humorous incidoiita when their country ] [ cousins come to town for the first time, and : there are occasions whoa the country people ;

— technically spsaking— get tbere with both, feet. A certain urban Johnnie, anxious to give bis rural relatives a treat, spent a week's holiday with them at their rustic cot. Honey was placed on the table at tea time, which be was told was produced on the farm, "Ah," said he. in tinkling accents, " I percoive you keep a bae of your own."