Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 116, 12 November 1938, Page 29

Wit and Humour

Then there was the absent-minded motorist who put the clutch in the back seat . . . and threw out his wife.

Mistress: Mary, wnen you wait on the guests tonight, please don't wear any jewellery. Mary: I have nothing valuable, ma'am, but I thank you for the tip.

The editor handed the manuscript back after hastily scrutinising the sheets, and said in a lofty manner: •

"We don't print any such stuff as that!"

"You needn't be so haughty about it," retorted the author. "You're not the only one who won't print it."

"That new leading man is the most conceited fellow I ever met."

"But I thought his modesty was famous?"

"That's what he's so conceited about."

Son: I feel I should make a good airman, dad. . Father: You might. You're no earthly good.

They were boasting about radio sets. "You know," said the American, "we haye sets in America so powerful that it is possible to hear the announcer's heart beating." "That's nothing," the Scot replied. "I tuned in to Egypt last night, and in less than ten minutes the sand was up to my t knees."

A diner ordered coffee without' cream. The waitress was gone a long time, consulting the manager. Presently she returned and said, "Very sorry, sir, but we haven't any cream. Will you have coffee without milk?" Willie was being punlsliefi. Presently he was heard to say: I can't help it if I'm not perfect. I never heard of more than one perfect boy, anyway. "Who was that?" asked his mother, thinking to point a moral. "Daddy when he was little." In a newspaper appeared the following advertisement: "The man who picked up my wallet in the High Street was recognised. He is requested to return it." The next day this was published in reply: "The recognised man who picked up the wallet requests the loser to call at any time and collect it!" Husband: Didn't I telegraph you not to bring your mother with you? Wife: That's what she wants to see you about. A speaker at a traders' association told the reporter of the local paper that as he had a few more engagements in the county he did not wish anything of his address to be published, as it might spoil the attendances at the other meetings. The next day he was horrified to read: Mr. Smith delivered an excellent lecture in the church hall He told some very good stories, but unfortunately they cannot be printed] "I've been thinking, my son, of retiring next year anl leaving you to manage the business." "There's no hurry, is there, daar You go ahead and work a few more years and we can retire together." An air-raid warden approached an old lady in the village and told her he had called to fit her with a gas mask. "It's no good, young man," she replied. "I'm on electricity." • Mrs. Brown (who has just played a serenade): That tune haunts me. Mr. Brown: And so it should. You've just murdered it. A well-known business man told a friend one day: "Life is just one blame trouble after another, so I'm trying out a new scheme. . . . I've just hired a young man, and whenever I have a worry, I'm going to pass it on to him, and he'll have to take care of it." "That's a good idea," said the other. "What are you going to pay him?" "Five hundred." "What's that? You complaining of bad trade and going to pay a man five hundred pounds a year to take care of your worries." Where are you going to get the money from to pay him?" . "Well," said the friend, "I guess that's goin' to be his first worry." NOT GUILTY. Mistress: Mary, you haye been prying into my drawers again. New Maid: I wouldn't think of such a thing, madam. Besides, none of my keys fit.

"I belieye in calling a spade a spade," said the emphatic person. "That's right, friend. There was a man who nearly lost his life here by gittin 'into a game an' try in' to call a spade a club."

"What do you call men "who are lucky in love, grandfather?" "Bachelors, my boy!"

An artist had just read a story through, and was about to commence illustrating it for a magazine. "I say," he said to his wife, "this story is supposed to have happened in 1934. Now, what were dresses like four years ago?" His wife threw him a bitter glance. "Like mine!" she retorted.

A Sunday school teacher, anxious to impress upon her class of small boys the importance of making others glad as well as ourselves, offered a prize to any boy who would be able to tell her on the following Sunday that he had made someone else glad. At the next class, a small boy held up his hand. "Please, teacher, I've made someone else glad." "Well done. Who was that?" "My Granny." "Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Well, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and I stayed with her all the afternoon. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home now/ and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"

SAFEGUARD. "References? Why, when I left my last place the landlady fairly wept." "Oh, did she? Well, you pay in ad-! vance here, young man." \ LUCKY. "That teacup you broke yesterday can't be matched anywhere, Mary!" "Oh, aren't I lucky, mum? I thought I should" have to buy a new one." THE GAITERS. Two little street arabs saw a bishop and were puzzled by his appearance. "I'll tell you what he is, Bill," said one of them; "he's a Highlander what's caught cold in his legs." IN THE SAME LINE. "And what are you going to do with your son?" "Well, when he leaves Oxford he'll take orders." "Ah, that'll be nice. My husband started as a commercial traveller, too." Jones had just arrived at the office when his wife rang up. "What can I do?" she complained. I want to go to the pictures this afternoon with Mrs. Sutton, and I haven't a penny!" "Stay at home," came the reply, "and see what you can get on the radio." When he reached home that evening his ■wife met him. "Thank you, darling! I did as you said. I was able to go to the pictures, and there's still nine and six left!" Two golfers playing an important match were annoyed by a slow couple in front of them. At one hole there was a particularly long wait. One of the offending" couple dawdled on the fairway, while his companion searched industriously in the rough. At length the waiting couple on the tee could contain their patience no longer. "Why don't you help your friend to find his ball?" one shouted indignantly. "Oh, he's got his ball," the man blandly replied, "he's looking for his club." The unemployed musician applied to the orchestra leader for a job. "Play something," instructed the leader. "I want to get an idea of how good you are." "Okay,", replied the musician." "What ] would you like to hear?" j "Doesn't make much difference," shrugged the leader. "Suppose you play 'The Flight of the Bumble Bee.'" The musician nodded. He raised the instrument to his lips and swung into the intricate selection. A few minutes later he stopped abruptly. "Why did you stop in the middle?" demanded the orchestra leader. The musician drew a deep breath. "I'll be right with you," he explained. "The bee just stopped off at a flower to get some honey." An unemployed plumber joined the Royal Engineers, and was immediately given a test: the making of a joint for a lead pipe. An officer sent a written report of the test to the CO., which read, "Joint well done." Next day the man was appointed to the officers' mess.

FRESH. I "Are these eggs fresh?" I "Fresh? By rights they ought not to! be laid until tomorrow!" j A TURN FOR THE BETTER. j ''How is your friend getting oh after; his awful accident?" "Fine! He has lost his memory and does not remember that he is married." j CARE OF CLOTHES. j "I say, old fellow, why on earth are you washing your spoon in that finger bowl?" "D'you think I want to get egg all, over my pocket?" j NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT. ■ Mrs. Finnigan caught sight of her neighbour's new signboard, with the following inscription, "Washing and Ironing Done." "Wud ye look at that?" she exclaimed indignantly. '"Washing and Ironing Done,' indeed! Shure she ain't one bit better than Oi am. Oi've had me washing and ironing done since yesterday, but you don't see me hanging out a signboard bragging about it!" WATCH CLOSELY. Angus: Noo, Maggy, here's a ticket for the conjurin' show, and when the conjurer comes V the part where he makes a teaspoonfu' o' flour into a dozen loaves, watch verra verra close. EXPERIENCE. Lawyer: How is it that you are so successful these days? You used not to !be anything remarkable. Friend: Well, I did not know what defending a case meant,- until I married. "You were absent from school yesterday and wrote this note of excuse yourself?" "Yes, I am my father's secretary."

THE PERPETUAL PUPPY.

An elderly Yorkshireman was summoned before the Magistrate to show cause why he had failed to take out a; licence for a "terrier. ■ ; His oft-repeated reply to the ques« tions of the Court was: "Why, he's nob>' but a puppy!" "Yes, yes, so you say," said the clerk, "but how old is he really?" "I "couldn't tell to a bit," was the reply. "I never was much good at; dates, but he's nobbut a puppy." ' j Evidence proved, however, that the! dog was long past puppyhood, and thej Bench inflicted the usual fine. , Talking' it over afterwards the farmer exclaimed: " 'Ang me if I can understand: it! Last year an' the year afore thati I told the same tale 'bout same dog, an' it wor allus good enough afore! Who's been meddlin' wi' the law since last year?" THE BETS OFF. ; The guest who was to spend a night in the haunted chamber asked the but-! ler if anything unusual ever happened ' here. ! Butler: Not for 50 years, sir. The guest sighed with relief. "And what happened then?" "The gentleman who spent the night here, sir, appeared at breakfast next morning." HIS WEEKEND. A young man, making lengthy inquiries at a railway booking office, was soon holding up a queue of people who became increasingly impatient. "The fact is," he was heard to say, "I've a weekend which I don't know what to do with.". 'Tut your hat on it," said one of the queue. GOOD MEASURE. Wife: I always believe in weighing my words before speaking. Husband: And you don't give short weight, either. WRONG PRESCRIPTION. "You must take three drops of this fluid and inhale three times a day," said the doctor. "Mild or bitter?" questioned the patient eagerly. QUITE SIMPLE. , Painter: But, madam, how can 11 make a portrait that resembles you! from these two photographs? One1 was taken in •1910 and the other recently. Lady Client: Oh, I thought you could take the face from one and the dress from the other. AN EXCUSE. "How is it that you are always late for school, Tommy?" "I don't know, miss. I think I must sleep very slowly." AT A DISADVANTAGE. After several unsuccessful attempts to draw her husband into conversation at the restaurant, the wife discovered the cause of his. abstraction to be a beautiful girl dressed in black and seated at a nearby table. "An attractive widow," observed the wife, coolly. "Yes, indeed, a very attractive widow," agreed her husband, enthusiastically. "Yes," sighed the wife. "I wish I were one." UNINFORMED. The local pro. had undertaken to give lessons to the new member of the golf club. The member had never played [before in his life and had to start right from the beginning. The pro. placed a ball on the first tee and, pointing to the flag on the green, remarked: "The idea of the game is to place the ball as near to that flag as you can." The novice drove off and the ball stopped within 6in of the hole. The pro. was amazed, but his pupil merely inquired: "And what do I do now?" "You knock the ball into the hole," replied the expert. "Into the hole!" exclaimed the new member. "Why the dickens didn't you tell me that before I drove?" FAMILIAR STUFF. Said the American police sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" "Yes," replied the constable. "We browbeat him, badgered him, and asked him every question we could think of." "And what did he do?" I "He dozed off, and merely saids '&ML Idea* £ott &m fcerfee&B *M*#*UZ-