Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXII, Issue 106, 31 October 1936, Page 26

Wit and Humour

Parish Clerk: 'Ere comes Mr. Tappett. I reckon 'c be one of the best temperance workers in the village. New Rector: I thought he was the local publican. So 'c be. But you should taste 'is beer! While the orchestra was playing the hostess sat beside an elderly guest. "Don't they play beautifully?" she said. "Pardon?" queried the old gentleman. "I said what a lovely orchestra.", "Sorry, I can't hear a word. This beastly band is making so much noise." "Jack, old fellow, I haven't seen you since your- wedding two years ago. How goes matrimony?" "Very well, thanks. But it's expensive. The dressmaker alone. If I had known " "You would have remained single, eh?" "No, no; I'd have married the dressmaker!" . Doctor; Patrick, don't you know that it is unhealthy to have a pigsty so close to the house? Pat: Get away with your nonsense, sir. Sure, the pig has never had a day's illness in. his life! "John, dear, I've got a lot of things I want to talk to you about." "Splendid, darling. Usually you want to talk to me about a lot of things you haven't got." , "You took.a day off saying you felt ill. Yet I. saw you at the races—looking far from ill." "Ah, sir you should have seen how sick I was after the third race!" Man (being shaved): Will'you please get me a glass of water? Barber: What's the matter; •■ a little hair in your throat? ; Man: No; I want to see if my neck leaks?

The lecturer was apologising for having talked so long. "I'm sorry if I have wearied you," he said, "but I unfortunately left my watch behind, and there is no clock in this, room." A voice from the audience: "There'u a calendar behind you, sir!"

Wife: I've been asked for a reference about our last maid.' I've said she's lazy, unpunctual, and impertinent. Now, can I add anything in her favour? .Hubby: You might say she's got a good appetite and sleeps well. ■ .A man who had a slight motoring accident, which necessitated the appiication of sticking plaster to his nose, was called upon to Interview the local inspector of taxes. "Had an accident to ,your nose?" the latter said sympathetically. "No," said the taxpayer. "I've been paying through it so long that it has given way under the strain!" TRAINING. "What makes you so foolish?" "It's my mother's fault;" "Why, how is that?" ' -. "She made me sleep under a crazy quilt." ■ A SURPRISE. " , A little girl said to her playmate— "When I was born I was so s'prised I couldn't speak for a whole year and a half." . PROGRESS. Two men had dined and wined very well, and were walking home. Presently one of them leaned heavily on his friend. ."D'you know," he said, with a faraway look in his eyes, "that when I was born I weighed only two and a half pounds?" "Most remarkable," said the other weakly. "Did you live?" "Did I? You should see me now. I weigh thirteen stone." THE REASON. Mrs. Seall: Why, Mrs. Blank had : grey hair when she was over at your [ place last year, and now it is almost black! , ■ ."■.■■.:•

Mrs. Knowall: Oh, yes; but you must remember she has lost her husband since "then.

UNUSUAL. The famous football team was in training for the beginning of the season. During the course of the afternoon the gatekeeper came across to the manager. ' . "Excuse me, sir," he said. "The referee for our game next week is outside with two friends. Shall I pass them in?" "A referee with two friends' gasped j the manager. "Show them in. I'll be glad to meet him!!" THE DRAWBACK. The commercial traveller was explaining why he insisted on smoking a certain brand of cheap. cigarette. "You see, when I collect five thousand of these coupons I get a grand piano." ■ - . • . : One of the company promptly replied, "My dear chap, if you. smoke five thousand packets of those things you'll Vant a harp!" Everyone laushed gxcept the Scotsman, and about ter? minutes afterwards he remarked: "Aye, it wad be awkward travellin' wi' a grand piano." HE HAD THEM. ' Said the smart little waitress, tripping up beside the customer: "I have got devilled kidneys, calves' brains, pigs' feet,, chicken livers, and " "Forget it!" growled the diner. "I've got a headache, fallen arches, corns, a bunion, three warts, and an empty stomach. Tell your troubles to someone else, and bring me some ham and eggs." ' ' ■ ■ RECEIVED WITH THANKS. MacThistl'e: Almost six dozen shoes were thrown at my wedding.. Friend: Six dozen? I can't believe it. Mac Thistle: Well, there's the shoe cupboard. Open it and count them.

HOPELESS. • He: Couldn't you learn to love- me? She: No; I could not. He: As I thought. Too old to learn anything. . ■ THE< PRIZE. ■ '■■ ■ . Member of Anti-Gambling League: I will not say I have never gambled. I once bought a ticket in a raffle for my wife. ■ . ■ Member of audience: So that's how you got her, is it? SHOCKING. . Master Willie, aged nine, came sniffing into the presence of his father. "What's the matter with you?" demanded the parent. . Willie stifled a sob. "I've just had a terrible scene with your wife," he said. PAST THAT. She: I don't think I look thirty, do you? • ■ . . ■ • . He: No; not any more. ART. "Girls are prettiei»: than boys." "Naturally."- ■ • "No. Artificially." ; ■: ■■ STEADY. : ' ■ Jones: Your old office boy wants me to give him a job. Is he steady? Smith: If he was much steadier he'd be motionless. THE OFFICERS' MESS. , A country woman went the other day to the barracks at Warwick to see her son, who had been joined up some time, and as his name was Smith it was difficult to locate him, there being so many Smiths in the depot. And while talking to the sergeant on guard the sergeant said to the woman: "There is a Smith in the officers' mess. I wonder if that's him?" ■ "You can' bet your life that's 'im?" said the woman. "Why, what makes you think so?" said the. sergeant. "Well," said the woman, "'c was always in some darned mess or another when he was at 'ome, so it's, 'im right enough." ALL HE LEFT. First Scot: Did you know McGregor died, leaving everything he had to an orphan's home? Second Scot: No; what did he leave? First Scot: Ten children.

BOTH WAYS. Uncle was laying down ths law to his young nephew. "Remember, my boy," he said heavily, "it will pay you to ■be diligent in your studies. Remember, too, what you have learned no one'can'ever take from you.' The boy nodded understanding^. "Well," he .replied, "they'can't take from me what I haven't learned, either, can they?" THIS ISN'T NEWS. "I don't know whether to buy a house or a car." 1 "Buy a' house, get' a ' mortgage on it, and buy a car wjth the money.then, you will have both." CITY NOISES. "Sleep well in the country?" j "First night I, couldn'.t sleep at aIL After that I hired a farmer boy to sit in my automobile and blow the horn all night. Then I got along fine." SOLID FARE. The vicar was appealing from the pulpif on behalf of a poor people's pudding fund. He wound up his appeal with, these, words:— . : -What we want, my friends, is not abstract sympathy, but concrete plum puddings. ' GOOD-BYE! Son (entering office): Well, dad, I just ran up to say hello. . Dad: Too late, my boy. Your mother ran up to say hello, and got all my change. THAT MAN. IS-IN AGAIN! "I hear the head of the Diggenheini mining interests is going to retire." "Yes, he can afford to rest on his ores." :■ ' , AHA! : ■ . Mother: Do you know what happens to little girls who don't tell the truth? Baby: Yes; they grow up and tell their little girls that they will never get curly hair if they don't eat the bread crusts. HE WAS HAPPY. Wife:.You promised me you would drink no more, and it made me happy. Now you are drunk again, and it makes me very unhappy. - Husband: Never mind—l'm happy this time. ■ : . CUSTOM, ANY WAY. The diner was furious at the poor fare he had received. "Never," he shouted, "never, shall I tell a friend of mine to come here." "Then, perhaps," suggested the head waiter, "you will tell your enemies?" , ... SAVED. ; Mrs.; Brown: Have you been to Smith's Lightning Summer Sale? Mrs. Smith: Yes, but I wasn't struck by it. ■ THE VERY LATEST. "Whatever has happened?" asked the puzzled husband. "Why have you got that plaster over your left eye?" "Plaster? That is my new hat." SEEING IS BELIEVING..... ... Magistrate: Why didn't you ~hand over the ring you found to the police? ■ Prisoner: Because, your Worship, inside was inscribed "Thine for ever." ARTFUL. :■■ ■■ An Englishman was walking along a river bank' in Ireland when it started to rain. Presently he found an Irish-, man fishing with his line under a bridge. "Why," he asked, "have you got your line like that?" "Sure, yer honour," replied the angler, "won't the fishes be crowdin' in-out of the wet?" ALL HONOUR TO HER! An old Irish lady had a reputation for being a very strict disciplinarian, although a loving, wife and the mother of a large family. She was the sort of woman who would not tolerate much nonsense from anybody. • One day she met the priest, who, m the course of- conversation, remarked to her, "Do^you1 know,. I think your husband is one of the most saintly men I have ever met!" . "Shure, and • why shouldn the be was her reply. "Haven't I the divil knocked out of him years ago? WONDERFUL RESULTS. A young man who had unexpectedly inherited a fortune decided to learn how to behave himself in society: He went to a school of deportment. A bowing Frenchman begged him to enter.- . ■ ' ' t "Do you give lessons m deporiment?" asked the young man. "The.best, m'sieu," gushed the proprietor. "My system ees perfect. Two weeks ago a young man like you, m'sieu—he only take two lessons in deportment; then he was deported!" YES, WHERE? A distinguished professor of a noted university was delivering an address before a group of business men. At its conclusion . a manufacturer joined issue with him. "Natural science is of no benefit to me,": he. insisted. , "What, is your business?" inquired the professor. "I manufacture suspenders," was the reply. "And where would your business be,'.' was the next question, "if the law of -gravity were suspended?" WILLING TO WAIT. Jones was a bootmaker. By dint of hard saving he had managed to send his son Billy to a gr-od school. One afternoon Billy came into the shop; ' "Father," he demanded, "I want five shillings to go to the theatre:" / "What!" cried Jones. "Do you realise that I've got ■to sole and: heel three pairs of shoes to make five shillings?" ' Billy sat down comfortably in a chair. , "All right, father," he said. "I'll wait." UNCERTAIN. Two men came out of a pub and one of them, seeing the sun shining brightly, said: I shay, ol' man. that moon is very bright. The second said it was the sun, and so a heated argument followed. At length a third man came out, and, on being asked whether it was the sun or the moon he replied: I'm shorry I don't know. I'm a stranger here. KEEP HIM QUIET. Tommy: Can't I have a ride on a donkey, mother? Mother: No, darling. Father says j'ou can't. Tommy: Why can't I have a ride on a donkey, mother? Mother (to father): Oh, for goodness sake, Henry, give him a ride on your back to keep him quiet! THEY KNEW. The temperance orator was trying to explain to his audience how his life had been influenced by total abstinence. "I am now," he said proudly, " the head of my department. Three years ago there were two men in the office who held positions superior to me. "One was discharged through drunkenness. The other was led into crime, and is now serving a long term of imprisonment, all through the influence of strong drink. "Now ,\vhat, I ask you," he added, growing eloquent—"what has raised me to my present high position?" And like one man the audience answered, > , ■ "Drink!" .

NOT QUITE RIGHT.

He . had only recently " joined the ranks of' politicians, and he was anxious that' his first speech to his prospective constituents should .be a great success. ' / He spoke for a long time, warning his hearers of the dangers of war and th importance of keeping a large army. Wishing to finish with some quotation, he thought of the proverb about locking the stable door. But he wanted to be a 1 bit more original. Suddenly he had a brain-wave. "Ladies and gentlemen," ' he cried, "don't, I beg of you—don't wait until your house catches fire before sending for the fire brigade."