Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 114, 16 May 1931, Page 19

Wit and Humour

Chester: "What became of your secretary?" Lincoln:-1 "I married -her, and now she's my treasurer."

! Wife: Don't .misunderstand . me, my dear. I weigh my words before I speak. | Hubby: Well, nobody • can accuse you |of giving short weight.

Mistress: Jane, I. don't want your sweetheart to be always on our doorstep. : .-■"-• '■'•' "": "'" ■ '

Maid: No, ma'airi. I told him to come straight in.

"Were you bashful the-first .time you called "On' a girl?? ".Why, yea;"but her-father-helped me out."

Bill: "I'm smoking;-,-a. fearful; lot of cigarettes lately. "..:._ v..:..-...:."j'...:'' -Tom:-Judging--by--the-odour-of that one, I'll say you are.

"Cau anyone tell.me," demanded the orator, "who .did mcist in the .nineteenth century to, raises the: working classes!" ""\ res, -gTiY'nor," ' replied: one" of the crowd; "the inventor' of alarm .clocks.".

A.professor was'in the .habit oE letting his dog sit by- his'sidd at meals. One evening when he was out at dinner a lady next, to him, .-wishing, to. attract ■:' his attention, gently touphed his sleeve; To the consternation ; of: all present, he mechanically, transferred a bone, from his plate and said, "Oh, get away. Take this out.on the mat.and eat it.".- •

"Now. that we are married, perhaps I. might venture to point ; out- • a few of your.little defects." ' .' ' "Don't bother, dear. I'm quite aware of them.' Those little defects prevented mo from getting a much better man than you are;"

HER FIRST THOUGHT. Tanner's wife (to ohemiat who has juat| made np two prescriptions): "Now, be 1 sure and write plain on them bottles which 1 is for the horse and which ia for my hus- ■ band. We don't want nothing to happen to the honw bufore the spring plougmn. ,

EASILY FIXED, Cashieri "'This cheque has ypui' hue« band's name signed, to it, Mrs. Nuwed, but he haa neglected to nil in the amount wanted."' Mrs. Nuwcd: "Oh, that doesn't matter. Just 'give me all there is to his credit.

LOGICAL. Counsel had iu&t afeked a question, and tho accused did not Rrpsp the meaning, ''C'ouubcl moans that you buy what happened," said the Judge, "Indeed I won't," was tho imligpant reply, "What do you buppq^e 1 pleaded. 'Not guilty' for?"

■ THE PERSONAL TO OCII. A man went into a store to buy a fountain pen. The young saleswoman gave, him ope to try, ami he covered gevpra] sheets of Peper With the wools "Tcmpus ffiltflt." Tho sweet and obliging saleswoman offered Jiim another pei|, "Perhaps/ she sajd, "you'd like one of these better, Mr, Pl'Bit,"

BUSINESS HANDICAPS. Wife; "Gladys tails'* me Opoigo calls her his peach, the apple, qf his oyp, autl all sorts of pet names, IVliy don't you call me pretty nanips like that?" Husband; "How ran 1? Geo\ge is on. the fmit market. I'm in fish."

THE LEQO. In some amateur tho;i| 1 ]<jjlj> d fugitive from justiao was biipposed to ehcjipe fi'oiii hig puißueis by concealing himself under a table The. table Was biiwll, the fugitive long.

"' The comtoinder "of'tjie pursuing; P?-Vty VUshed on to .the. stage ?iid fell pyep the legs 'of ■ the man ..for whonr he; was searching; ': •'■'-- .- ',':"''' ''. ' ; .. picking himself up'and'ruubing-l# ghing, ;he-exclahriefl -dramatically: "Haf the villain- haa eluded- W again." - ■■";•'., ."""

•:••:■■. ■•-;:' --■•-.;: "='TACi.''v;^..i'".:::.: .-! The vfeav had a-6e'rta!ij-tpueuleht woman pariphipneL' noted for her fondness for a di'Qp of gin. One dayghe /went to ohuroli hjoqpughing witltnaifiM. distinetnegs; The papapn:. bore 4t Toy a few - rnonnents, then JopJcing at flic yeveor* h:e.p.solaijrie^ piiblioly,: "Sipith, kinidly remoVe:.tbßt.: pei'son froni. the. church/':.■ -..;:. .• : • (3mit|i "rgso l'P.]i(Ctoutly ; ..to,f pbpy-. -. _ Tho congregation lield its . breachi.pSpeqiing a,. segno,-, bjife tQ Uioii' rgiief the. wgjiia'n roao end; Ip.fli \yit)ioi}t a.-mi)i'inur, "^ffcep.tJiß (ser» vice the- V)cpr' ccihgrntulated ' Jjib".' vergoj.pr> the tagifHl way'in-jvlii'qii Jiq'bad re-: moyed thg ciilnrit." "Iloy'did y.oii.mannge it?" he.' afelte'd..'' --,-:•■ "."Well,; sir," . said .the vprger, 'T just went to iier.and whispered/ 'Cbine on," in a; come and have., one wi'nie.'" ■

Tjie bapk manager rang ijp. Isaittf on the. jielephQfje and poh'tely palled hje, attentiqn (p..lhe fact' tliftfc'., I}g Vijid" overdrawn hJ»ssflsmt 'to-the. ' &smi'(tl\sW< '"We!!, vgt Sbpyd, it?" inquires} |b38(o: '.'Yijl ypil tell mg vo|' mV agoount vos .at dis dime Jast yea'r?'l; The 'baVik!* m.anagepskid, he would inqijire, and, after $ short; absence, returned to' the telephone'aM'said? "I find that this time 'last year 'you had a bill? anee ia youu favour o£ £2dOO.'' "Veil," replied Isaac triumphantly, "did I ring you-up?" '. .. .....

Hostess, introducing'-an explorer: This is Mr. Trotter, the well-known traveller; .Prosperous Business Person: Awfully, pleased to meet you.» For what" firm?

lie had just been worsted in a business deal, and he was .very 'angry. ' "I look upon you, sir, as a rascal," he growled. "You are privileged," said • the other man, "to look upon me in any character I you care to assume!" ■.■•■■■ :

"Mummy, didn't I hear you tell the cook always to lock the pantry door?" •■"Yes, Teddy. Why do you ask?" "Because I found it unlocked yesterday, and to give her a lesson I ate all the tarts that were left."

Maid: You know, ma'am, how you've been trying to get a vase to match, that Japanese one in the drawing-room? Mistress: Yes. ■■■■■■'- ■■ ■ ■■•■■■ : ■ ■ Maid: Well, ma'am, you needn't try any more. . ;:-• ■ ■

Millionaire: Marry ray daughter? Why,! she's a mere child! ■ ... Impecunious Suitor: I know; but I I thought I'd.come early and' avoid the rush., ' "■ •' ■ ■■■''■■'.'■,'

|: ' At a dinner party a very, absent-minded professor vrtis seated nest to a charming woman "Don't you remctnbev me, Professor?" she smiled. "Why, eoino years ago you asked me to marry you!" "Ah, Yea," said the professor, "and did you?" ■

The cake tad been passed, to everyone !at the table but Bobbie, age three and a (half years. Bobbie asked'for. some. His Mother: "No, dear, banana cake is too heavy for little boys." ' Bobbie -(after several seconds of i j thought): "Well, I'll use both hands."

Ivq,te Father: You impudent puppyl You'want to mnrry my daughter! And toll, me, do you think you eoujd give her what she's been used to? Suitor: Mr —yes, X think so, si». lye a veiy violent temper mygclf.

RICHES, "1 qqn't think why they make so mnqh fliea of Mies Snjith'g voice. Mies Jonpa has a muqh. richer vpiee." "Yes; but Miss Smith has a. aauck ripher father."

HIS SOLUTION, A QocLncy and a Lancastrian ware hotly arguing which was the correct way to pronounce the word "either/ The Cockney insisted that it was with a long "I"; the Lancastrian argued otherwise, and said- it was long "c," A Yorkshireman easily settled it for them. "Bother or ithor, Jads^ awthec'H dow/*

.NEIGHBOURLY LOVE, A woman in the subujbs was chatting over the buck fence with her next-door neighbour. "We're going tg live In a better nuighbouiliood soon," she emid. "So n\e v/e," volunteered, Mrs. Nest* 4gov, confidently, "What! Are you moving, too?"* ''No, no are. stayipg here,"

EXCUSE WANTED. Marie: "J have an engagement wUH yoiiug Saphend, and. I dqn'fc know how to get Qiit of it." Helen: "Haven't you any reason for breaking it off?" j Marie: "Yea, I fiayc 4 reason. ]lc is the ■ reason, but I want an excuse."

THESE DANGEROUS HOBBIES. One morning Morton happened to glance pvgr the garden wall, and he almost fainted i ■ g§'a result of wjiat was. taking "place. ■- "Look here," he shouted to his neighbour, "wha,tare you buj-ying in that hole?" "Oh," camp the. aheerfill replyj^l'm just replanting' gome of my sgeds,- ; ■ "geedsj" yplled Mpytoiij boiljng pver with wrath "and indighatibrii "It looks more like. f?ne pf my hens!' . . ■ . "Ifc ig," pinned Bejghbpur« whp-was an amateur gardener; "aiid the seeds are jnpide.''.

A MODERN". 3iIARIIIA©B.; Mrs. Goldberg was fabulouajy riph and had fallen in love with a man very muoh her junior. '.. • - A week or two aftev thejr mari^gft as ghe reolined p)v a settee,1-near, jjer husr band, ghe murnnired in a dreamy ypice; "(Silvpr threads aniqng the go]d, swe.ethearfc. Sweetheart mine, dqn'fi g]) these gilyer threads ftmejig the gpld mate you regret our roinantiq inarriitgfef" .The youth contemplated her smartjy shingled head a moment. "Ifot a: bit,' 5 he answered brutally. *fI can easily pqt up with the silver threads for the sake of the gold."

: THE STRANGER ABROAD. 'Noi for many ye'ais had! pJ4 Baxter beeu more tl|an four or five miles frpin jija native village, but having cqrae into money, he decided to visit old: friends in London and' Manchester.-' "Taxi, sir?" a drivgr b^wjed Is Ms fiW Hnr^ediatejy he emerged frpm the' Lpndon terminus. .' ." ' . : ..Baxter shools tig bead, .--....- ---. After geejng.Lgnfen he Went on tp Maß--chaster. Ag^in, as he jeffj the statiga a taxi polled into t|io kerb. " ' "Taxi, sir?" asked its driver. ''■No, no, you idiot," snapped ' Baxter angrily. "I said 'no' in Londoni Now stop following.-r.me about!"'