Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 83, 4 October 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Scout: "When we halted we pitched our tents." Scout's Sister: "You do that to make them waterproof, don't you?"

Mrs. Newly wed: "What will I get if I cook dinner like this every day in the year?" Husband: "My life insurance."

She: "I feel a perfect fool for. crying." TheJSrute: "No one is perfect, darling."

Williams entered a small country hotel and seated himself.at one of the many deserted tables. •

"What would you like, sir?" asked a waiter, arriving with the bill of fare. The customer carefully studied the list of eatables aud finally selected a half portion of duck.

Ten minutes went by, and the food was not forthcoming. At the end of 20 minutes Williams began to grow impatient.

"I say, waiter," he snapped, "when am I to be served with that half-duck?"

"When . someone comes in and orders the other half, sir," he explained. "We can't begin killing half-ducks."

"But surely," cried Jean, "you didn't tell hjm straight out that you loved him?" "Goodness, no," Mildred said, calmly, "He had to squeeze it out of me."

The audience held its breath as Jack Braveboy, the hero, killed the last of the Indians. . .... He staggered about; he almost fainted with loss of blood. Then he gazed about him. Suddenly his voice rang, out with hope. "Se.eF' lit cried, "the dawn breaks bright upon yonder topmost heights!" The stage remained in darkness. "See!" he yelled again, "the dawn breaks bright upon yonder topmost heights!" Still darkness reigned. '"The dawn! The dawn! The dawn!" ho screamed, raging about the stage. "It Wales! The dawn!";. • .' ; A head popped o'er the mountain lop " 'Old 'ard, guv-nor!" said the head; "don't be in such a bloomin' 'urry; someone bin an' turned the gas orf!" A party of spirited gentlemen were returning in the Bmall hours of tha morning from a highly successful party. They came to a standstill at length opposite a certain house, and a lively discussion broke out. ' ■ r One of the revellers mounted the doorstep and. thumped on the door, until a window above was opened, and a youii". woman looked out. . ' "Pardon, are you Misshus Shmith?" asked the spokesman. ''Yes, I am," returned the lady forbiddingly. . ■ • ' "C400d," exclaimed the leader of the party; "will you be sho kind as to come down her and pick out Mishtei" Shmith? The rest of us want to get home?" One of the • most terrible examples of reckless driving is a woman at work with a hammer and some nails. After, watching the young lady driver ahead wave her. hands in three or four different directions at once on the intersection, the driver behind decided she was going fo> t urn t 0 t ne right, , a nd crashed into her as she changed her mind. He got out to do a little interviewing. "Well, all I can say," said the miss, "is that I'm sorry." . "Is that all you can say?" "Why yes." "Wel!,: then," 'said the young man, clearing his throat, 'listen ■to me!!!!" A budding journalist was told never to use two words where one would do. He carried out this advice in his report of a fatal accident in the following manner: "John Jones struck a match to see if there was any gasoline in his tank. Aged 65." Young Man (to bis sweetheart's little brother): Congratulate me. Tommy. Your sister/has just said she will marry me. Brother: Have you only just heard about it? She promised mother a long time ago. The mission was nearly over. One of the partners in the coal business had been converted,, and tried to persuade his brother, who was in partnership- with him, to go to the meeting. But this brother refused. "If I was to get converted, ..too, who's going to weigh up the coal?" he demanded. ] ;_ The schoolmaster was taking a class in science. ■ . "Now then, Smith," he said, "name me a poisonous substance." ,Willie Smith, who was not gifted with an over supply of intelligence, thought deeply. . . ' "Aviation," he replied after a while. The class tittered with amusement, and the master looked sternly at the boy. "Explain yourself, Smith," he snapped. "One drop will kill, sir," responded Willie. The question of money was the usual morning topic in Murphy's house. It always came in with the eggs. "I'll want a' little ready cash to-day," said his wife. He shook his head in answer. His wife at once brought up an old argument. "Before we wer« married you said my slightest wish would be fulfilled," she grumbled. "I know," replied Murphy. "Im still looking for one that's slight enough.

An Irish fireman, rescuing a woman at a blaze, lost his hold near the bottom of the .ladder, and landed heavily with the woman on . top of him. A doctor, hastily summoned, pronounced him sound, though badly bruised. "You are a brave gentleman," said the doctor.

"Bravo, maybe; but no gentleman," replied the Irishman, rubbing his injuries, "or I'd have let the lady go first."

ENVIRONMENT. Seaside Visitor: '"Whatever^ was that singing throughout the night?" Chambermaid: "We was co full, sir, that mistress let the batli to a gentleman." MUSCULAR FEAT. He: "Did you make these biscuits with your own little hands?" She: "Yes. Why?" He: "I just wondered who lifted them off the stove for me." COSTLY. A dainty young lassie from Leigh, Said "Postman! '.These parcels for me?" Costly presents, I guess! The postman said, "Yea — There's four of them marked C.0.D." WHAT HE WENT THROUGH: "I never thought I'd pull through, but L did. First I got angina pectoris, followed by artcrio-sclerosis. Just as I was recovering. from these I got tuberculosis, pneumonia, appendicitis, aphasia, and hypertrophic cirrhosis. Then I had diabetes, gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago, and neuritis. I was. given morphia—-" "Good1 heavens, you. don't' look much the worse for it."

"I wasn't ill, you idiot! I was up for my spelling test in connection with a Health Department job."

MORAL EDUCATION. "Charles," said a mother to her sis-year-old sou, "is it, possible that you are teaching the parrot to use slang?" "No, mamma," replied Charles; "I wag just telling him what not to say." v THIS MYSTERY OF COMPRESSION; Anna May: "My feet are size 7." Mary Lou: "You mean your shoes are size 7." Anna May: "No, my shoes are size 6." PROGRESSIVE HOLIDAY RESORTS. Twoadvertising agents met. Each had been engaged by rival hotel .managers to "boom" ' their respective resorts. Said the first agent: "You don't seem to be doing much. Why don't you do what I do—get photographs'of your place distributed?" ' "My dear fellow," replied the other, "my place doesn't, stand still long enough to be photographed." . "'...."". THE SPRING TEST. : ■ A man in a huge limousine was following a baby car going at full tilt along a country road. Every now-. and then the little car bounced alarmingly. Finally the man in the limousine drew alongside the baby car and told the owner politely that lie was, bound to break his back axle, if .he went on. as he was doing. ■ ■ ' "Good heavens, mail," was. the reply, "can't I have hiccoughs without your interference?" , \,.,THE MEANS AND THE END. "Bear up!"'said the lawyer. "We may still win this case. I haven't exhausted all the means— —" . ' • "But you've exhausted all mine," interrupted the plaintiff gloomily. CATTY. ' •. Mrs. De Smythe: "We "had a lowly time last night. We had a box ,at the theatre." . Mrs. De Browne:' "Yes? ChocolateSj weren't they? We saw you in the gallery eating something." ■ ■ -.- • ■ THE TROUT SEASON. ■ : An amateur angler, who was not up to the tricks of the game, had been whipping the water without success for .an hour or so, when the inspector marched up. "Are you aware," said the newcomer, menacingly, "that this is preserved water?" • ; . "Is it?" said the angler. "I thought there was something funny about it." SEEN AND HEARD. Five-year-old Betty, perched on her father's knee in the very crowded tranicar, peered hard at the stout, very gaudilydressed individual as she bustled and edged herself into the only available seat. Betty continued to stare, and then, after a while, she turned to her mother. "Mummy," she said, in loud tones, "It's a lady!" , . * "S-sh, dear!" scolded the parent angrily. "We know it is." The small child looked hurt. "But, mummy," she said, "you just said to daddy, 'What's this object coming in '!' " NOT IN COMMAND. Lawyer: "Had you complete command of yourself at the time?" Witness: "No, sir. My wife was with me." ■ THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES/ Mrs. Bindler: "Is there any difference.. Thomas, do you know, between a fort and a fortress?" Mr. Bindler: "I should imagine a fortress, my dear, would ■be more difficult to silence." THE HAT. '.*: While a play was in progress a lady turned in her seat and said to a man behind, "I hope my hat is not annoying you. "It is, madam," was the reply, "for my wife wants one just like it." ' THE RIGHT DEATH. Tlio fussy woman was arguing with the shopkeeper over the purchase of a rabbit. After inspecting several, she said she could not eat one that had been shot or trapped. Puzzled as to /what-. slid, did _recniire, the shopkeeper lost his temper, picked up another, and said: — "Here, missus, have this, one—it's bse», frightened to 4eith." : '

j "My motto', said the1 very assertive man, "is: 'Buy dirt cheap and-sell in the highest market.'' What d& you think of it?" "Well," replied the qufefc little man, "I don't really know. You s§e, I've never bought dirt." Teacher: Johnnie, what is wrong with this sentence? The bull and the cow is in the field. Johnnie: Please, miss, the lady should be mentioned first. "How does your wife like the washing machine you bought her for Christmas?" "No good. Every time.she tried to get in it those paddles knock her black and blue." . Very New Office Boy (who has just handed long column of figures to employer): I've added those figures up ten times, sir. '■'■■.■'■■ Employer: Good boy! Very New Office Boy (handing up another slip of paper): An' here's the ten answers, sir. . ~.-. Little Timothy, who had been studying : history but a short time, thought he would give. his grandfather a try-out on the subject, so he asked:— ~ . . "Say, grandfather, what great war broke out in 1854?" • „ . . ' ': The old gentleman laid down his paper and looked thoughtfully at the boy for amoment, and then a sudden light dawned upon him. "Why," he said, "that was the year I married your grandmother." Apartment Owner (a stout gentleman):. "This, sir, is one of our finest kitchenette: apartments." ~ .:: . . Prospective Tenant: "Well,* come out a minute and let me inside.". ■""."-■■ /' Father: "Did you peel that apple before!eating it, as I told, you?" •■■ , ... .-;■■ Jimmy: "Yes,, dad." • ' Father: "What did you. do .with" the" -. peel?" .. ,; i : Jimmy: "I ate it after I had finished- ■ the apple." • . : . , ; . "When I was once in danger from a lion," said the explorer, "I tried sitting down and staring at him, as I had no. weapons." " • . ■ "How did it work?" '"Perfectly; the lion didn't even offer to toucli me." .•■■'' ■:■ "Strange! How do you account for it?" .■ . . ,:. .. . :■ "Well,. sometimes I've thought it was because I sat on the top branch of a very tall tree." ' '~.. "'• Nerve Case: "Doctor,- I often feel like killing myself.- -What shall I do?" Doctor: "Lea\-e it to me." .-. * Visitor. (at: quiet resort): "Whatever-' do you do here when. it rains?" . Native: "Oh, we just let it rain!" Tom: "I'd like to give my fiance a surprise for her anniversary present." Jerry: "Why not tell her what your income really- is." • ' Mother: "I don't like to shout at you, Harold." . Little Harold: "And I can't say that I like it, either,' mummy." - Convict: "It's much more pleasant work-' ing in prison than outside." - "More pleasant? How so?" "Because you're not always being threatened with dismissal."' . - Distraught and out of breath, the wild ' ■; eyed man rushed up to the policeman a ;l the beat. It was nigh to midnight. j "Constable," he begged, "can you plea.- i tell me how I can stop a woman in ou .' flats from shouting at her husband?" "Shouting at her husband?" echoed tli. officer. "Well, of course, I can't do any thing, but if she's making 'herself a nuis ance you can always get the people in the other flats to protest." " IS'pose. I'd better try that," said tli. wild-eyed one. "But I wish somethin;.could" be done now." . ; "Why?" The policeman was amused' "Is she keeping you awake?" "Can't get a wink.- I'm the husband.