Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 81, 5 April 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"How is it you ask me for a loan when 1 don't know- you?" "It would be useless if you did." Myrtle says her new boy friend is a man of few words, but lie uses them an awful lot. Harris: D'you know what mv girl said to me lust night? Baker: No. Harris: Who told you. Farmer: How did you '^ct that black eye ? Simple youth: When 1 was milking the cow kept lashing out with her tail, .so 1 tied a brick on it. Teacher: Do you know the population of Hastings? Willie: Not all of them, teacher; we have only been living here three years. Small Boy (in hosier's shop): 1 want a collar for my father. Assistant: One like mine? Small Boy: No, a clean one. "My doctor told me I should have to eat less meat." ".Did you laugh at him?" "I did at first, but when he sent in his bill I found he was right." Customer: To what do you owe your extraordinary success as a house-to-house salesman? Salesman: To the first five words 1 utter when a woman opens the door, "Miss, is your mother in?" Father: My word, there's a stirring account in this morning's paper about a boy who _ was caught in the sixth story when a fire broke out. He escaped down the water pipe. Aunty: What a blessing he was thin enough to go down tho pipe! The Vicar: At the end of the service to-night tho choir will sing a special anthem composed by the organist, after which the church will be closed for a month for necessary repairs. First Maiden: My family used to be awfully afraid of thunder, but I played the piano during a storm. Second Maiden (absently): And I'll bet that soon cured them. Passenger (on pleasure boat): One of the nails on the seat has torn by coat. Humorist: Well, that's what they advertise—cheap sea-t-rips. " 'Ere, George," cried a navvy to 1 lis mate, as they passed a lecture hall, where an address on "The era of cleanliness" was announced. "Let's go in and hear what the bloke's got to say. I always thought it was an error myself." An Irishman who wished to buy a house set his heart upon one which was charming in every respect save one. It was situated on a hill which included in its view, and at no far distance, a railway line. The owner of the house, anxious to sell, but conscientious, said to liim: "I think I ought to tell you that for the first five nights your sleep is likely to be disturbed by the trains." "Sure, and I will not let that trouble me,' said the Irishman, eheerfuly. "I'll go to my grandfather's for the first five nights." The taxi company was interviewing an applicant chauffeur. - "Are you honest, and straight-forward?" ho was asked. "Yes, indeed." 'Absolutely trustworthy ?" "Positively." 'If you should find a pocket book containing 100,000 dollars in your cab, what would you do?" "What would 1 do" shouted the .taxi driver. "What would I have to do? I'd 'do nothing, and live on my income." A. Lancashire man had a son who was to go to the university, and he wanted hint to speak perfect English. One day he listened to a lawyer making a speech, whose language was the purest he had ever heard. , "Will you teach my sou to talk like thee?" lie asked. He offered a good sum for this service, and the barrister agreed. "On one condition," he said, "that you do not see your son for 12 months. He must not hear a word of Lancashire dialect for that period." The 12 months passed, and the man hurried south with glee to see Ins sou. He was ushered into the library of tho barrister's house, where he met the lawyer himself. ' , "Well, and how is my son? he asked, to which the lawyer replied: _ "Fee, bah gum, 'c's foine! A GROWING PREFERENCE. "Don't you think. Mary, you are too old to play with the boys?" ~,,,. "No, mamma; the older 1 get, the better 1 like them." TIT FOR TAT. Barber: Your hair's thin, sir. Long Sufferer: And you've got a bump on your nose, and one of your eyes squints. Algernon (reading joke): "Fancy this, Percy, a chap here thinks that a football coach has four wheels." Percy: "Haw, haw! And how many has the bally thing?" TRUE To'raADITION'. Six men from a shipwreck eventually arrived at a desert island. Two were Irish, two were Scotch, aud two were English. They disembarked, and the two Irishmen began to fight; the two Scotchmen formed a Caledonian Society; but the two Englishmen did not speak to each other, lhey hadn't been introduced! THE CREAM OF THE JOB. "Here, young man. you shouldn't hit that boy when he's down." ... "Gwan! What dyer think 1 got '1111: down for." j THE WATER TEST. The new barber had cut him badly iv several places. "Give me a glass of water, please," gasped the victim. "You aren't going to faint, I hope? said the barber in alarm. "No, I just want lo see if my mouth ( still holds water. 1 EVERY HOPE. "Have you any prospects?" inquired her father, when the suitor spoke to him. "Prospects," cried the young man. "I should say so! I've a wealthy uncle who's near-sighted, drinks heavily, loves motorracing, and has just bought another racing cai\" BETRAYED. Daddy arrived homo from his Sunday morning "nineteen holes," and flopped into his cosy armchair. At once he was assailed by little Peter, who presented the fond parent with a resounding kiss. Then, with a significant sniff, Peter remarked. "00. daddy, don't you smell of golf?" THE OLD SCHOOL. A porpoise left his friends aud relatives, aud went to reside in a different part of tho ocean. One day his wife observed him bow to an elderly stranger, and asked, "Who was that, dear?" "A line fellow," replied the porpoise. "One of tho old school." SEARCHED AND FOUND WANTING. Andrew met his old friend Tarn at the market in Aberdeen. "Yo'rc no looking very cheerfu', Andra, ma man," said Tom, -with concern. "I'm no cheerfu'," replied Andra. "D'ye mind ma brither Jamie an' his wife, Jean, that went *tao Australia a while, ago? Weel, they've just sent me a pudden made wi' Australian raisins." "Ye lucky auld deevil," said Tarn. "Thai's the best kind of pudden there is." "Lucky," burst out Andra bitterly. "They've no pit a single truppy piece in it!" "Weel, never mind man, ye have the pudden, on.vway," snapped Tarn. "Aye, we still hao the pudden," admitted Andra. gloomily, "but it's just a complete ruin."

He: I still maintain that no two persons in the world think alike. She: You will alter your opinion when you see our wedding presents. Farmer: 1 never saw such a season; My corn isn't an inch high. Neighbour: An inch? Why, the sparrows have to kneel down to eat mine! Teacher: You all know the proverb, "All that glitters is not gold," so now give me an example. Pupil: Your-coat, sir. Maid (leaving after extremely short stay): I suppose you'll send my letters ou. ma'am? Mistress: Certainly, if there's room on the envelope for any more addresses! A man was praising his wife, as all men ought to do on proper occasions. "She's as womanly a woman as ever was," he said. "But she can hammer nails like lightning." "That's remarkable," said a listener. "Yes, sir," said the first speaker, ".you know lightning never strikes twice in the same place." Bob: Dad, what has wheels and .flics? Dad: An aeroplane, of course. Bob: No; the dustman's cart. Judge: What possible excuse have you, gentlemen, for acquitting that murderer? Juror: Insanity. Judge: Really. The whole twelve of you ? "Can you give me a definition of an orator?" "Sure. He's the fellow who's always ready to lay down your life for his country." Teacher: Johnny, if five sheep were in a field and one jumped out, how many would be left? Johnny: There wouldn't be any left. You might know arithmetic, but you don't know sheep! An old darkey was on cloakroom duty at the Governor's mansion. He noticed a prominent politician making an anxious search. "Kin 1 help you, suh?" "I can't find my new hat; paid 50s for it yesterday." "Bless you, suh. All the new hats bin gone over, an hour or mo." ~ Jones met Robinson hurrying home. ),'£ ou l°°b warm," remarked the former, les, I ye been chasing a hat," was the reply. "Did your hat blow off?" "It wasn't my hat. It belonged to somebody else, and it had a pretty girl under it." "Did you catch it?" "Rather! My wife saw me chasing it!" c "£? m \ , you old loafer." said Colonel ■smith, • do you think it's right to leave your wife at the washtub while you pass your time fishing?" "Yassah, Colonel, it's all right. Mali wile doan need any watchin'. She'll shore y wuk jes' as hard as ef Ah was dere. They had been out of work for a long long time. Each day they took the usual waik to the labour exchange. But .there was nothing for them. However, the two staunch pals never gave up hope. One day they were walking along the waterside when . they saw a notice reading: "Two meu wanted to assist the diver. Off they went as fast as their logs could carry them, until they came to the diver's boat, in which stood the charge-hand. j "Well," asked Geordie, "where's the diver?" "Down in the water, of course," replied the boatman. ' "Then," said Geordie, flinging off his coat, "I'm going down to interview the diver, and if I don't come up you'll know I've got started." NO WORRY INDEED. "Suppose," asked the. nervous passenger, "we meet with an accident and the train is dashed to pieces?" "You've no need to worry, sir," answered the guard cheerfully. "The company's got plenty more trains!" WE ARE ONE. Visitor: "Aud have you any brothers or sisters?" Little Girl: "No! I'm all the children we've got!" WITH A MONOCLE. A dear old lady was told that the police were looking for a man with a monocle. "But surely it would be better," she said, "if they were to use a telescope." LOGICAL SOLUTION. Professor: "So the ship hugged the shore? And where was the shore? Student: "I suppose it was in tho hold of the vessel." HAD TRIED THEM. Husband: "Did you get a maid from the ■p~istry office?'' Wife: "No." "Weren't there any there?" "Dozcus; but .we had had them all." COMFORTING. Dear Old Soul (visiting her very sick brother): "I've a very nice letter from Emily. She says she's so sorry she ain't able to come and sec you, but she hopes to be able to come to the funeral." A LONG REACH. At the tea table the little son had unfortunately reached across the table and taken a bun. and naturally his mother sternly reproved him. "Haven't you a tongue, Willie?" she said. "Yes, mamma," responded the boy. "Then why don't you use it?" she continned. "Because my arm is longer." TAKING NO RISKS. Billio (to chemist): "Please, sir, I want some soap with a very strong perfume." Chemist: "What's the idea, sonny?" Billie: "Well, I want mother to know when I've washed my face so she won't make me do it all over again." AN EXTRA THRILL. "But, supposing the rope breaks," said the cautious film star, who was about to scale the precipice. "By George," cried the producer, "that's a splendid idea! We'll make it break. Up you go. THE ONLY WAY OUT. "What, Mary, I have been looking for you everywhere and find you comfortable in the drawing-room?" "Well, ma'am, if you will keep coming into the kitchen, I must take refuge somewhere." SLOW PROGRESS. Elsie: "Why is Clara always so short of money—didn't her father leave her a lot?" Madge: "Yes, but, you see, she's not to get it till she's thirty, and she'll never own up to that." ABOUT A HAT. The little man had just finished dining and was about to leave the restaurant when he noticed the orchestra ready to start playing again. At the same moment a man came, up to him and said, "Sir, remove that hat at once!" "Why, asked the little man. "They're not playing tho National Anthem." "Of course not, you idiot," roared the other, "but it's my hat." ENCOURAGEMENT. The famous violinist was giving a recital in a certain town, and one mother took her small son to hear him, hoping that the beauty of the master's playing would inspire the boy to put his whole heart into the violin lessons. On arrival at the hall she was disappointed to learn that the shilling seats were full. "In fact, there's no room anywhere," added the man in the box office. "Even the 10s rows aro occupied." "What!" exclaimed the woman. "You mean to tell me that people will give 10s to hear a fiddler?" The man nodded. The fond mother turned round and dealt her son a box on the cars. "Now, perhaps you'll practise," she said.