Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 102, 4 May 1929, Page 20

Wit and Humour

"Allow me to present my wife to you."' i "N-no, no. I've got oue already." j ''Where is Dorothy?'' "She has gone to' Europe to let her hair grow. Mistress: "The master complained very ! strongly about the bacon this morning. Mary." Cook: ."Well, mum, will you tick 'im off, or shall IV Witness at Westminster County Court: '■'Your worship- "' Judge Bacon: "You may honour me, but you must not worship me." A paiut has been invented which, it is claimed, will render any object practically invisible. In the spring many husbands will surreptitiously use it on the garden roller. Anguished Diner: Waiter, call the manager! There's a cockroach in the soup! Waiter: It's no use sending for him, sir; he's scared to death of them! Mabel: Doesn't that Scotch boy take you to the cinema now? Phyllis: No, I think he must have found a girl who can see pictures in the fire! Mrs. Stukkup: Tell the gentleman I'm not receiving to-day, Jane. New Servant: But he ain't dcliverin', ma'am; he's eollectiri'! He's come for the piano. Wife (examining day's eutch): Is it true that hsh go_ about in schools? Hubby: Ye.s. my dear; why? Wife: Oh, by the size of these I should thiuk you have disturbed an infant class. Suburban Neighbour: "Is Mr. Jones at home?'' Domestic: "No, sir: but I'll tell him you called. What shall I say you wanted to borrow?" Poet: Is the editor in? Office Boy: No. Poet: Well, just throw this poem in the waste paper basket for him, will you? •«Do* y ™l -and ur hui*and exchange gifts at Christmas?" Last year we had to exchange practically everything we got." Mrs. Black: And where be your daughter, Mrs. White? Mrs. White: I sent her out to domestic | service. She weren't no use to me in the house. . . ■ Jones: Do yon think the candidate put enough fire into his speech? Brown: Oh, yes. The trouble was, he didn't put enough of his speech in the (ire. ''How do they figure the population of a Swiss village?" "Oh, I guess they, count the number of echoes and divide by the number of mountains." Willesden magistrate: What does this man do for a Jiving? Kate collector: He has a house, lives in the basement, lets off the rest, and goes to prison for his rates. "You're looking blue, old man. What's up? "I've just heard that Maud was married yesterday—and I'm still paying instalments on the ring I gave her a year ago." "These luminous paints arc wonderful." "What do yon use them for?" "We paint baby's face with them, and then in the night we can give him his bottle without getting a light." ".So there will be some good jobs going beting at the Navy Yard to-morrow en? ' "f don't know anything about it." ■ r ■ °o\ i '.ICiird someone sayinp; they were liring 21 big guns this morning.''

Master: Can you tell me the name of any animal peculiar to Australia? l'oy: The rhinocerous, sir. Master: Wrong. That's not found in Australia. Boy: Well, sir, isn't that why it would be peculiar? Gladys: lie's so romantic. When he speaks to mo he always says "Fair lady." -Phyllis: I expect that's only force of habit. lies a conductor. "Siiy," asked the doctor, "did that whisky you bought for the missus iix her cold: ' "'lt didn't have the chance," answered the one who was questioned. "On the way homo I caught one myself." "Why is my portion smaller than that oMho gentleman opposite?" "Your train goes live minutes before '•p<fii <l ''"yic sti" very mnch '" lo™!" "Rather. When she's away she writes loiters to him whether slu; wants money or not.-' J 'ii"li loo r ,you a" invfll"v l«ns lime to pull that fellow s tooth out," said the dentist s assistant. "Yes." nnsworrd the dentist grimly. "Ho married the girl I loved." Newspaper Canvasser: "You advertised in our paper for a night watchman. Did you gel any results, sir?" Shopkeeper: "I most certainly did. The advertisement appeared yesterday morning, and I was burgled last night." Tho Man: I wonder if you'd like to come along and dance to the Kitz band some night? The Girl: Ranee at the Kilz? Rather! The Man: Xo, I mean I've just finished making n rather decent little loud speaker. Billy was balanced gingerly on the edge of Ins seat when he suddenly slipped to the iloor, making a great deal of noise and attracting the attention of his kindergarten teacher. "What happened, Billy?" she asked. "Oh, nothing. I just dropped myself," responded Hilly cheerfully. Professor: You have now been, I understand, twenty-five years in my service, Henry? Faithful Domestic (expectantly): Yes, sir. Professor (impressively): Well, as a reward for your faithful service I have <lecidod to name after you my newest species of beetle. ! Elizabeth and her friend Ann were looking at an illustrated volume with pictures of the war. Suddenly a discussion arose, and Elizabeth ran to her mother. "Mummie, Ann says that, whnn daddy was fighting in the Groat War I was up 1 in heaven. Is.jt true?" ! "Yes. darling." | Elizabeth turned round and regarded her. con temporary silently. Then she remarked .slowly. "I don't remember seeing yon there. Ami." Mrs. Desperate told all her neighbours that fihe could not possibly live with her husband any longer, and promptly ran away. She stayed at an hotel some few streets away for almost a week, but on the seventh day she returned to her husband. The latter met her on the doorstep, and inquired the reason of her sudden and unexpected reappearance. "Oh, Dennis dear," she replied, a break in her voice, "a sign on the hotel wall troubled my conscience every time I went in or out. It said, in big type: 'Think! Have you left anything?' "