ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIX, Issue 66, 19 March 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THIS IS SHE. On order that rrust bo obeyed I sing' of a dear little maid; A mirthfully serious, Sober, delirioue, Gently imperious Maid. And first we'll consider her eye§ (Alike ns to colour and size); Her winkable, blinkable, Merrily twinkablc. Simply unthinkable Eyes. Then, having a moment to spars, We turn our attention to hair; Her tendrilly-curlative, Tumbly-and-whirlative, Supor-superlative, Hair. ' Forbear to dismiss with a shrug Her nose, undeniably pue; — Her strictly permissible, ■ Turn-up-likc-thisable, Urgently kissable Pug. Now, moving a point to the south, We como to an Actual Mouth;, A coral, pearl if erous, Arfrumentlferoug Mainly melliferous Mouth. Observe, underneath it, a chin, Connoting the dimple within; A steady, reliable, Haraiy dofiabla. True, undeniable Chin. By all that is fair ! it appears We'd almost forgotten her oarst Those never neglectable. Tinted, delectable, Highly respectable, | Ears ! And last let us speak of herself, That blithe littlo <?ipsy and elf, Her quito un:%iorable, Absence-deplorable, I Wholly adorable, i Self. I —Arthur Guiterman. N.Y. Life. AMBITIONS. i Tho city fellow delves away And all the while Keeps adding something day by day Unto his pile. Ho talks about the country's charm And hopes to buy himself a farm. The farmer tills tho stubborn soil, Subdues the sod, And banks in autumn for his toil A goodly wad. And when enough he's salted down He hopes to go and live in town. — Louisville Courier-Journal* THE EFFECT. There was an earnest, hopeful youth Who vowed to tell naught but tho truth. He put his vow into effect With such results as you'd expect. To-day in one vast angry choir His friends and foes call him a liar. MUTUAL INTEREST. A few days after a farmer had sold a pig to a neighbour ho chanced to pass the neighbour's placo, where ho saw their littlo boy sitting on the edge of the pig-pen, watching its now occupant. How d'ye do, Johnny," said he; "how's your pig to-day?" "Oh, pretty woll, thank you," replied the boy. "How's all your folks?" A MORE PRACTICAL WAY. It_ was tho dreamy hour when the Christmas dinner, having been oaien, was doing its best to digest itself, and the girls were talking in tho hushed tones appropriate to the occasion. "I've just heard of a new oharm to tell whether any ono loves you, and if so, who it is," whispered Elsio. "What is it?" queried Sophie, absently fingering her new diamond ring. "Well, you take four or five ohestnuts, namo them each after somo man you know, and then put them on the stove, and tho first one that pops is the ono that loves you." "H'm," said Sophie. "I know a better way than that." "Do you?" "Yes, indeed. By my plan you take one particular man, place him on tho sofa in tho parlour, sit close to him with the light a little low, and look into hifc eyes. And then, if he doesn't pop, you'll know it'o time to change tho man on the eofa. BACK FROM THE FRONT. A fine, robust soldier after serving hia country faithfully for some time became greatly reduced in weight, owing to exposure and scanty rations, until ho was so weak he could hardly stand. Consequently, ho got leave of absence to go home and rest. He arrived at his home station looking very ill. Just as he stepped off the boat an old friend rushed up to him and said: "Well, well, Pat, I a,m g^lad to see you're back from the front." Pat looked worried and replied: "Begorra, I knew I was getting thin, but I nivver thought you could see that much!" WHY NOT! A professor at an engineering college says that but for occasional innovations in the application of learning, such as the following, he would find it hard to judge the extent of his usefulness. This question was asked upon an examination paper : "What steps would you tako in determining the height of a- building, using an aneroid barometer?" The answer was : "I would lower the barometer by a string, and measure th© string." ANDROCLES IMPROVED UPON. The proprietor oi a menagerie relates that one of his lions once bad a thorn taken out of his paw by a French major in Algeria. Tho lion afterwards ran over tho list of officers belonging to the regiment of his benefactor, and, out of gratitude, devoured both the colonel and lieu-tenant-colonel, whose places were then filled by the good major. The Earl of Warwick at a banquet in Washington was quizzed about tho hunting yarns he had swapped with tho President while dining at the White House. "Oh, yes," Lord Warwick said playfully, "they wore tall yarns — tall on my side, I mean. T outdid the wandering hen. A hen, , you know, set out to see the world and met a crow in a distant wood. 'But,' said the crow, 'are you not afraid, without wings, of losing your way in all this tangle?' 'Afraid? Not I,' scoffed the hen. 'Every little while I lay an egg to guide myself back by." "I'm glad you've dropped in, Mra. Irons," said Mrs Lapsling, cordially greeting the visitor. "This has been a dreary day tor me. and a call from a friend is liko an Osiris in the desert." An attendant at a Kansas institute for the deaf and dumb was undergoing a pointless rapid-fire inquisition at the hands of a female visitor. "But how do you summon these poor mutes to church ?" she asked finally, with what wae meant to be a pitying glance at the inmates near by. "By ringing tho dumbbells, madam." retorted the exasperated attendant. Of Edmund About, the French novelist and critic, it is said that he once wrote in a feuilleton that Alboni's singing (she was fat) was "like a nightingale piping out of a lump of suet/ The indignant Cnma donna sent him a goose-quill by the ands of a marquis. About roceived the pen with his most charming smile, and said: "I regret, sir, that Mine. Alboni should have plucked you for my sake. A coal miner, who couldn't read nor write, recently received hi* pay envelope at the new mine. All that was written on it was "No. 16." The miner looked at tho writing for a long time, then exclaimed, "That s a new way to »pell George Primrose, I reckon!" ,