Merrier Moments.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIV, Issue 58, 8 March 1913, Page 15

Merrier Moments.

A huge car had juat whizzed by, leaving a terrific wave of gasolene behind it. "There goes another of them odourcars," said the joker. "Garm, ye lazy worm! If ye were half a man ye'd 'elp mc bo turn the mangle." "Well, I may be a worm, 'but I ain't one wot turns." Ginger: "Why don't youse cum and see us sometimes?" Splinter: "Gam! Chase yerselves! Gnt werk! 'Why, if we lived as close to youse as youse do ter us weed corl twice a day." The New Junior Partner: "Well, Pve succeeded in settling that Arnold case, dad." The Senior Partner: "What! Goodness, boy. Why, I gave you that as an annuity." "Have you any ancestors, Mrs Kelly?" asked Mrs O'Brien. "And phwat's ancistors?" "Why, people yon sprung from." "Listen to mc, Mrs O'Brien," said Mrs Kelly impressively. "Oi come from the rale stock ay Donahuees that sphring from nobody. They sphring at thim." A correspondent declares that a member of a town council (he was a chairman of committee), presiding at a luncheon the other day, delivered grace as follows: "For what we are about to receive may the Great Architect (soft "c") of all things make us truly thankful. Those in favour say Tli.'" THE APT RETORT. The girl had repulsed haughtily the proffered attentdons of a young man. He, wounded to the quick, exclaimed: "Ah, well, you're a& full of aire as a hand-organ!" She tossed her head. "Maybe I am," she said; "but, all the same, I don't go out with a crank!"

She: "It's so discouraging. We've bee have accomplished anything." He: "Don't say that, my dear. We've "Casey," said Pat, "how do yez tell th' age of a tu-u-rkey?" "Oi can always tell by the teeth," said Casey. "By the teeth!" exclaimed Pat. "But a tu-u-rkey has no teeth." "No," admitted Casey, "but Oi have." IN THE POLICE COURT SENSE. Magistrate: And what was the prisoner doing? Constable: 'E were 'avin' a very 'eated argument with a cabdriver, yer worship. Magistrate-: But that doesn't prove he was drunk. Constable: All! But there worn't no cabdriver there, yer worship! OBVIOUS. Aunt Eliza came up the walk and sacd to her small nephew: "Good morning, Willie.'ls your mother in?" "Sure she's in," replied Willie truculently. '"Do you 6'pose I'd be workin' in the garden on Saturday morning if she wasn't?" GEORGES ARTFUL TRICK. "Maud," he said softly, waking her from a daydream, "when we are married, dearest, 1 wouldn't like my little wifie to be worried and bothered at all." "No, pet," she said, "I'm sure you wouldn't. But why that remark, George?" "I've been thinking, sweet, what an awful trouble it would be gathering up crumbs from the Turkey carpet we've decided on for the dining-room." "Oh, George, how thoughtful of yon!" 6he murmured. "You've such a head for trifles." "I have it," said he; "we'll toss—tail for Turkey carpet, head for linoleum." It fell linoleum, and as George tucked his double-headed penny safely in hi 6 •waistcoat pocket he whispered: "Such a head for trifles, did you say, petsie?"

"What is the wife of a Red Indian called, Jones?" "A squaw, sir!" "Quite right. Now, Stodge, can you tell mc what a Red Indian baby is called?" "A squawker, sir-" Little Boy (who has just seen his mother dismiss the servant for staying away from home the previous night five or six hours without leave): "Mamma, wasn't it very wrong in Mary to stay out so late?" i Mamma (indignantly): "Yes, Charlie, and very impudent, too, she .was. But , I won't keep such a person dn my house." Little Boy: "When are you going to dismiss papa ?" INFECTION. Mistress: More plates cracked, Mary. What is the meaning of it? Mary: I don't know, mum. It must he something in the air. Look at St. Paul's Cathedral! WARNING. A usually truthful correspondent 'Writes: "I was walking through a village with a (nan-motoring) friend, when he suddenly clutched my arm. and pointed. 'Really,' he cried, 'children are too pampered nowadays! Nobody ever gave us the slightest warning when I was a boy!' I looked up and saw a signpost wiith the inscription: 'Warning—• School.'". MIGHT-HAVE-BEENS. "1 might have married a millionaire, 0 declared Every woman. "One of my old schoolmates is now one." "And several of your schoolmates are working right in this town for 10 dollars a week," retorted Everyman, "while one of them is in gail. I guess dn marrying a chap getting 1,500 dollars a year your average is fairly good." An then Everybaby set up a howl and they had to stop quan-elling to attend to -him.

i married two years, and don't seem to got a little something ahead." Son: "Say, mamma, father'broke this vase before he went out." Mother: "My beautiful majolica vasel Wait till he comes back, that's all." Son: "May I stay up till he does?" THE LATEST BIT OF SCANDAL. Maid: "Yes, mum; and she walks out regular at nights with Mt. Brown, the butcher, and even takes 'is arm; an' Mr. Brown's a married man, an' she knows it and 'c knews it, too." HER IDEA. Father: "Do you think you can support my daughter in better style than that to which she has been accustomed?" Suitor: "Privately, and between yoa and mc, sir, I believe Mabel's idea that I can is one of the reasons why she ia leaving home." ANTIQUATED REMEDY. "I remember you cured mc of the same trouble a dozen years ago. Why don't you use the same treatment now?" "A dozen years ago!" echoed the doctor. "My dear sir, the medical profession has made wonderful strides since then, and I couldn't think of such a> thing." GOT THE "PUSH." She was a stern, hatchet-faced woman, and, from the confident way in which she demanded to see the proprietor of the establishment, the young man felt sure she had been there before, and would take no denial. He therefore 6lid off his stool and .went into the governor's private office. "There's a lady wishes to speak to you, sir." "Good-looking?" "Yes, sir." Employer (very indignantly, on returning to the office): "A nice judge of beauty you are, I must say!" Clerk: "You see, sir, I didn't know hut what the lady might be your wife." k Employer: "So she is."

THE MISSING BETE. Sisßie: "0, Mr. Pleeceman, have yer got a ferrit? Mc little brother's gone _* ' crawled up- the_dra|n. w