THE BAKER'S DOZEN; OR, "THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE." A FARCE IN TWO ACTS, BY THE DOCTOR.

Auckland Star, Volume VIII, Issue 2241, 12 May 1877, Page 4

THE BAKER'S DOZEN; OR, "THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE." A FARCE IN TWO ACTS, BY THE DOCTOR.

DRAMATIS PERSONAL BILLY BUEX-'EM —An extremely Avellbre{a)d young man, who drafts a protocol and raises a ferment amongst a batch of bakers. Mr. Forgie—Chairman of the League, Avho wont forgie the STAE for making the public crusty about their bread. Jim CROWE—A cocky sort of person, Avho wants to do'em brown. Mi;. Grubb —Who has a rooted prejudice in favour of sixpenny loaves, but is not easily stumped by figures. MR. WADDLE —Who makes lame orations, to shew that the public are not defrauded i?rations. Other members of the League, Dough-boys, &C, occ, ccc.

ACT THE FlßST.—Scene

A Secret Chamber in the British Hotel. The curtain rises, and twenty Doughies are discovered, attired in snowy vestments and paper hats. They are seated in solemn conclave, on sacks of T.S.F.

Grubb (recitative) — All hail, my brothers, 'tis with sorrow 1 announce that dour Avill rise tomorroAA'. Though 'tis a fact as flour has rose, It won't cause any rising in our doughs. The Hat's gone forth, the mandate's spoken, We are done brown, our batch is broken. Mr Waddel (sings)— Oh tell me where infancy lrc{a)d ? Oinnes—Order ! Cheese it ! go to bed— Grubb—To interrupt the cheer it aint wcll-bre(n)d ; I'm half inclined to punch your blessed head. Waddel —Don't' get so crusty. I meant no harm ; Your yeast is rising. Pray be calm. Grubb—That 'ere apology's as good as balm Unto my wounded feelings. But let's resume. I fear it's true Our profits now Avill soon be up the flue. This rise in flour our rising hampers, And o'er our hones Avill cast some heavy damps s. Forgie—Oh dear, my batch is getting sad ; This rise in Hour is really very bad. CroAve—l own it is a very queer proceeding, Some cunning plan of action iioav we're (k)ne(n)eding.

Burn-'em—l've got the wery thing, my blades—a Protocol*? ! I've done it up just like a fancy roll—(Lays an enormous document, on the table with great dignity. All the bakers start from their flour sacks, croAvd around, and inspect it with breathless curiosity) Grand Avalk-round of bakers, singing— The Protocull—the Protocull, It Avill the public nicely gull, We'll sign our names here in a trice, And clap a ha'penny on the price. The Protocull, the Protocol, ccc., &c., ad lib.

Waddel—lf 'twere done, when 'tis done, Then 'tAvere Avell 'twere done quickly. Rollerson^-Oh, rot ! you're talking shop ; it's stale, Let's sign the Protocool, and then regale. Burn-em—l copied that idea about the ProtocooZ

From the grand Conference held at Stamboul. Waddel—lt's very nobby—'twill knock the

"crowd. Burn-em — Really—S'lielp me, yer do me proud. Grubb—The spellin's none so dusty— And fiv'pence a loaf ! — Burn-em—Ring the bell, I'm thusty, As you've expressed your approbation, I think you ought to shout on this occasion.

Loud cries for "Humphries," who is commanded to bring pints of beer, and the brethren haying refreshed themselves after the fatigues of debate, sign the Protocol, and attach their seals. The meeting is closed with solemn ceremonies, and the brethren march out in procession, each balancing a_ baker's tray on his nose with great dexterity, and singing— (Air—"Please give me a penny sir.") Please give us a ha'penny sir, Upon each loaf of bread, etc. Cub tain !

ACT THE SECOND. Scene

The Secret Chamber in the British Hotel. I Thirteen Bakers in solemn conclave : assembled. Looks of grief and snflerin" sit on their countenances. Some of them are ! bedcAved Avith manly tears, and others have eyes red and sAVOllen from the effects of recent Avecping. The Room resounds Avith groans and piteous cries. Several Bakers are in sack-cloth and bread-dust. The pro- ! ceedings are opened Avith a solemn chaunt, ! which no consumer of bread is permitted to ' Avitness. The brethren then wipe their eyes on their respective coat sleeves, and I proceed to business. Burn-em (sadly)— Brothers in dough, once more avc meet Li solemn Council, for to defeat ! The machinations of our foes The Consumers. We meet not now | As once avc did, when joy ilium'ed each brow, Ichabod— Alas ! the glory has departed I And so's cur customers, who've all turned crusty, Though fiv'pencefora two-pound loaf was not so dusty. Our batch is spiled, our customers look sou;-,

Like sponge that's madToTc^T^^TP Hour; \, j We are done brown, burned im , 1u M char, 1J ,lv to a! , 1 By them there leaders in the us, StAK. V **«!(; 1 And some of those who signed «. „ tocool ° a t! '6 Pro. Have been and ratted in a WBv ~ cruel, •> thafs Sold bread at hv'pence-bhsted im ri' I game, lP tlie j 0 nines— j The Ter-raitors—Shame ! shame ' ' Buru-'em-But^dry your eyes, niy- brotw 1 Though deep our griefs, and s-„i woe is ; ' au °Hr I! Restrain the unbidden rear tW ,• I 1 his ere s a avcitv serious crisis I Some crumb, of comfort still are w, us, ie 't Thougli customers have been beroft us. wui By sticking to the Protocool, We cannot fail to rake the pool lte^-Eaj«- ft., tea*, my iemMJ The buried past, to sunny days n{ yore, " Jot Wlicn folks took bread at sixnenoo .„ i didn't mutter, " l ' llUll E'en though they had to go without their butter. Burn-em—What most my feelings ii„„, ates n Am' Is that 'ere letter,wherein it states That if the price of tommy don't come down, They'll raise a bread riot in this 'ere toAvn. Waddel—lt's sad to see the public get s n querulous, I fear that some of 'cm Avill make meal o' us. And then some coves are going about a touting— Teasdale—You're not in the Council now so don't be spouting. Omnes— Order ! dry up ! turn him out! Teasdale—lf you coves try my anger to'infiame, I'll go and bloAv the gaff on this 'ere little game. I know one thing, in spite of all y our threatings, I don't use tons of spuds in any of my settings. (Intense excitement and angry shouts of the brethren. Mr Grubb interposes, throws oil upon the troubled waters, aud stills the angry Avaves. Order having been restored)

Burn-em—When I beheld the'public mind a getting yesty And feared lest some Bread riot might molest ye, I puzzled o'er my brains some plan to hatch To set the ferment of the public batch. You knoAV the baking business I'm no muff-in — I own I thought of putting some bad stuff in— Waddel—Good gracious ! mind Avhat you're about, my lad, Qualify it—you know Aye mustn't say it's bad, Say second quality—that the perlite phrase is, Or else the public sponge '11 rise like blazes. Burn-em—l didn't mean to say the bread avus bad, Waddel—We'd get into bad bread my doughboy if you had. Chairman—But wot's the motion for the cheer, We can't go on a bloAving like this 'ere. Grubb—Of course we can't, I say KahoAvri, This language is a deal too rloAv'ry. Burn-em—l niOA-e as we confirm the protocool, Aud him as Avon't I calls a precious fool. Omnes—Hear ! hear ! hurrah, Brayissimos. The Chairman—-Restrain your ardour, my brother Doughs, Another duty rests on this Alliance, We'll bid the public stern defiance. Unfurl our flour-sacks, take our station, Defy this oft-repeated threat—Cooperation. Crowe—That 'ore's the ticket so say all of us. The Chairman—The motion's carried quite unaniniMj. (The Brothers shout Avith joy, embrace each other, and pour out libations of Humphries' beer on the altar of eternal friendship. Mr Grubb pronounces the benediction, and exeunt omnes, singing) " We'll shove it on 'em no\A r." Curtain !