THE SUNDOWNER'S. SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume I, Issue 87, 18 May 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S. SWAG.

"Josh Kissed I, and I Kissed Josh !" Cheeker,s " Essay on Taste."

'Tis a seducingly seductive little game which, when properly played, pays remarkably well. Many devotees imagine it is quite a new thing, a discovery of their own, whereas it has, been played from time immemorial, as it will be until" 1 time shall be no more." A peculiarity sof mine is that, given a proper party -to play with, and spondulex within easy grasp, I go in to win on the unctuous pastime, I notice they are no novices, like me, about Akaroa, in understanding how to run this entrancing sport, which is commonly known as " you scratch my back, and I will rub " yours." Yes ! they play it very nicely, in and out the Borough Council, Road Board, public meetings, and on every occasion when men do congregate together to discuss matters of either public or private import. Why should I tell the readers of the Mail who those are that prominently " take a hand " in this belau'dingly selfish sport ? You can read for yourselves, Messieurs, drawing therefrom your own inferences and conclusions. The Sundowner could expatiate on this theme to an indefinite length, telling 'his experiences as to the working of the system, and anecdotically illustrating. the same, but his old mentor inculcated this

"Make privy to your couucil as few as you may; For two may keep counsel if one be away."

Who was it said that Professor Chadwick had made one of the greatest chemical discoveries of the age, and had practically demonstrated the possibility of turning corpses into odoriferous perfumes? whether it was your professor or not, the fact remains the same, for we arc told that such a utilitarian discovery has been made. Charming idea ! to carry on one's handkerchief the pungent odour of eau de (parted) mother-in-law ; bouquet de(ar) charmer ; essence la governor, and so on. We must expect special Magazines for sale of these future necessaries of the the toilette, when scenes somewhat like this may occur —Enter lady customer: "Have you any perfumes of those I knew ?" Young person

—" Yes, ma'am !" a fresh assortment just in ; the de Brown bouquet; Fitz Robinson essence ; Piantegenet Jones balm, or the dew of Symthies, de la Siaith ; the latter article we can confidently recommend as a moral novelty, for de la Smith never indulged in profanity, gambling, drinking or smoking." Just fancy, Sir! having a cupboard in one's house, the shelves stocked vvitb bottles containing the concentrated essences of the genealogical tree 1 the various scents from them being, as it were, connected with the family legends, so that generation after generation could tell to a sniff, the smell of each family epoch, and each family notable. How awfully pleasant for Snobbish Nob, Esq., to take alittle ancestral perfume on his handerchief just to jog his memory, and then relate to sycophantic listeners, the doings and darings of his mighty dead. Doubtless, like crests and coats of arms, these perfumes will be made to order, and a lump of carrion to do duty for a renowned fictitious ancestor! if so, what glorious time are in prospective for our colonial blue-blooded parvenus. Ah, well! chemistry " cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." the heart's the fountain, ■ From which politeness flows, And mind must shape the manners,

As sunshine shapes the rose. One of my friends—sly dog—is in the habit of wandering off in the evening to, as he says, visit an ailing friend. In answer to my enquiries as to the friend's health, he always tells me "ah, no better ; still got it badly ; may get over it; thinks it catching," but refuses to give the complaint a name. Accident has revealed what my friend withheld. I know now the nature of the disorder, and this is how I discovered it:—Wandering along — street the other evening, I saw near a fence two heads in close proximity, one was owned by Tom, the other by a lady; certain sounds told me that my absence would not be lamented, so I took the back track. Of course I did not forget to tell of my discovery to the sick visitor who, calmly Bmiling said, "right you are, Jack! that young lady was telling me "

" You kissed me at the gate last night, And mother heard the smack ; She says it's naughty to do so, So please to take it back. I took it back, and then said she, " You rogue, you stole another ; Please take it back." I did and then, I kissed her for her mother." And my opinion, is, he would kias her for her brother too. Would'nt I ? rather! Much abusedj bruised, contused, and illused < 4 Viator." So "Akaroa publicans"

gave you a " reception " which you ungratefully complain of. Kow_many publicans assisted at "the reception ?"., Are you not drawing upon your imagination, when you state that the "Akaroa publicans" were at the hotel you " called, to have a glass ?" Were you thirstily envious because " the champagne " did not '• fly around " the corners of that receptacle, to which, no doubt, you consigned the contents of "the glass?" " Publicans 1 Publicans! You have much to answer for, but I cannot believe for a moment, that you are " the family " who " knocked " poor suffering "Viator" down, "kicked his faceto pieces," and committed other " Bulgarian atrocities" upon his watch and person. " Viator," sweet " knock-down-kicked cherub ! brother in misfortune from publicans ! there is a society in Akaroa who meet together under the cabalistic letters of I. O. G. T. Let us commune and commingle with the brethren, they have_ a sovereign remedy for the ills under which we have suffered, and will gladly receive us poor " police sent for," battered and tattered mortals into their ranks, their only object being to make us " better men, and better members of society." " Life," according to an Arabic proverb, " is comprised of two parts —that which is past, a dream ; and that which is to come, a wish."—Adieu.