THINGS THE OBSERVER WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
Observer, Rōrahi XXIX, Putanga 4, 10 Whiringa-ā-nuku 1908, Page 26
THINGS THE OBSERVER WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
— If it is not bad luck to meet a cross-eyed woman ? Bat it is disaster to meet a cross-eyed man in the Police Court when a policeman's word is in question. — If Auckland City Council Envoy Bob Farrell will report to his Council the fearful indignity thrust upon him in Parliament House by a political upstart? "Floor of the House," indeed ! — If Freddy Baume must not feel a little perplexed just now? Two strings to his bow — a Cabinet Minister or a Supreme Court judge. Judge Baume would impress any jury with his wisdom. — Who was the professional scrip gambler who got such an awful fright when Grand Junction shares made a decided rise, and lay gasping for breath when the last thousand shares were purchased? A case of overselling. — If the footpath between Albert Glover's and Alfred Kidd's committee rooms will not soon need repairing ? There is a constant interchange of daily and nightly calls. Jack Patterson regulates the clocks in both quarters. — If Grey Lynn Oliver Nicholson is not finding out that a political candidate standing against a Prohibitionist is nearly as bad a target for slanderous and filth} mud as a witness against a policeman before the policeman's magistrate? — If when the Kingsland cricket prohibitionists prate so strongly on the fine grass growing in a certain portion of the ground, their memory does not go back to the fact that that was where the beer was spilled ? And a fine, healthy crop it is. — How long it is going to take to colonise the Tram Company's latest " electric spark ?" The sight of a colonial makes him sea-sick ; to the colonial, a sight of " the spark," when clad in upper deck spurs, etc., is rather exhilarating than otherwise. — If the solid price paid for Takapuna beach sections, and spirited bidding from an overcrowded room of speculators and wonld-wish-to-be residents, does not indicate a much greater borough than Devonport, Auckland's big waterside suburb ? — If Fishy Ayson is aware that a marauding party of fish pirates have banded themselves together in Auckland City, with the sole object of sweeping the Hauraki Gulf clean of fish, from pakiri to hapuka ? And they all hold a license — a publican's license. — If the startling report that flashed around the Auckland City Foresters is really true ? If so, then the mana of Jimmy Stichbury has gone. Shaved off that noble goat cc ? Never ! It was Jim's big asset. Suppose cleanshaving was the fashion at the big Foresters' shivoo at Home. — Why the Auckland Free Library Control Committee do not requisition the three bosom friends — Magistrate Dyer, Tommy Gresham and Sergeant Hendry — to make a thorough search through the city's fiction for " blue books?" Little Tommy could smell the " deadly " ones at very short range. — If John Bollard had better not harry up and get into training to redace the superfluity that hangs around him 1 John Wisdom Shackelford's legs are visibly thickening with unlimited walking exercise, bis waistcoat swelling with afternoon. teas, and his hat— well, honest John will have to swop tiles if things progress at the present rate,
. — Why Constable F. Brown is leavlj)g Tauranga 1 Is it because be is not a prophet, and cannot pick the breeding of Tauriki, or is it promotion ? All Tauranga is up in arms. —-If C. H. Poolw's last days in Parliament this session will not be spent in painting " auctioneer " in very large letters on that carpet bag of his? Something tangible at last. — If Warden Burgess is not proving a box of tricks to mining speculators ? Like Magistrate Dyer, it's a puzzle what is to be the verdict until the numbers are up. Head one day, tail the next. —What little Alfred Kidd has done that he is not included ie the possible cabinet minister shuffle ? No Government hall-marked, and totally pledged minister has worked harder for his masters. — Why Ponsonby is worrying poor, overworked Arthur Myers so badly for swimming baths ? Have they not got a "swimming Poole" all to themselves already? And nobody else seems to want to steal it from them, either. — Who would like to be a bank manager to-day? '1 he cutting -up process is past, but the wounded and winged are crying out in every quarter, and the Heart of the. manager bleeds, National Lawson comes out with flying colours.
—What the Star means by stating in the «' damages- to-the-head-frorafalling-brick-on-a customer " case at the Magistrate's Court that Solicitor Tom Cotter applied for a "new suit?" —Why Pastor Clark is selling up his prize cows?, Is it preparatory to stepping into the political arena —as a safeguard against being milked by the political pirates,'newspaper and otherwise ?
Josh Billings' Philosophy. Poverty iz no disgra.ce to enny man, but to brag ov it iz. Thare iz no profit in relating our sorrows ; everyboddy we tell them to haz got one that they think weighs more. The most hopeless kritters on the face ov this earth are the dishonest fools. One tenth part ov the labor and anxiety that men display to acquire fame on earth would establish their reputashun in heaven forever. If you would kno how rare a thing a true friend iz, let me tell you that to be a true friend a man must be perfektly honest. v Revenge iz the koward's courage ; forgiveness iz the brave man's revenge. Friendships kan be divided principally into two kinds, puppy and old dog, and thare iz but very few ov the puppy kind that lasts to be old dog. I kan trace most ov of mi bad luck bad management, and guess mi nabors kan too. Men ov grate methods seldum make a blunder, and az seldum make a hit. I don't know az I kan tell now which will weaken a man the most, to natter or to pitty him.