the fretful Porcupine

IT is a popular fiction in thi B democratic country that the glorious principle prevails of "government of the people, by the people, and for the people." But that is nonsense. We are governed by overbearing officials, who tyrannise over and frequently despise the people, and who are responsible only to the great boss, Seddon. Dr Makgill gave a striking example of the truth of this fact at the local bodies' conference the other day, when he told sixty or seventy representatives of local governing bodies that the Government were going to erect the infectious diseases hospital in spite of them.

Is this government of the people by the people, when the will of practically the whole of the local governing bodies is treated with cool contempt ? Or is it government by officials? Mr E. W. Alison put these questions very forcibly to the conference, and judging by the applause, his emphatic sentiments of protest met with general endorsement. Dr Makgill made matters worse by an ill-concealed snigger at the impotence of the local bodies to stay the hand of his department, but if the delegates present couldn't stop the erection of the hospital, Mr Alison could and did castigate the medical expert for his ill-advised smirk. From present appearances, the Government is really going to saddle this community with its costly infectious diseases white elephant, but if it does, the local bodies should enter an emphatic protest by a prompt and general resignation. This effective power of remonstrance, at least, is left to them.

In the days of our youth it was the aim of newly-married couples to hje them bashfully to some secluded locality, direction unknown even to their friends, there to blush away the

first few embarrassing days of *the honeymoon. To-day, it is the usual thine to ask the newspapers not only to advertise the place of retreat, Hat to describe the bride's costume, lest she should fail to be identified. And a Whangarei couple, who have patronised the side of Mount Te Aroha, have improved even upon this, by placarding at one of their spooning grottos the fact and purpose of their visit, with interesting particulars of the picnic breakfast they had there. Times have indeed changed.

When Premier Seddon travels, even his luggage acquires a sanctity before which the comfort of other people has to give way. So his fellow-travellers discovered on the day when he recently moved from Waiotapu to Taupo. When they got to the mail-coach they found its interior fully blocked' with his Majesty's good's and chattels. And as no one dared touch them, ladies and gentlemen ha'dfo huddle together in scanty spade tin the box seat as best they might. Richard and suite were accommodated separately, in a buggy. An indignant through passenger by the coach ventured to remonstrate. "Look here, driver," he said, "my wife isn't going to sit on that trunk. I paid for three seats, and I'm going to have 'em." The stranger made as if to remove the trunk, when the driver interposed, with a look of consternation on his pale face. " I suppose you are a stranger in New Zealand, sir," he said, " or you would know that a man might get struck dead for touching Dick Seddon's luggage. " The stranger succumbed to circumstances.

They were town lads, unused to horses, but were determined to conceal the fact from the livery-stable keeper who was honoured with their patronage. And when 113 told them that the steed they were to drive was perfectly quiet as long as they kept the rein off his tail, they made a carehil note of the warning. On their return from the jaunt the stable, man inquired how they had got on. "Splendidly," was the reply. "We had one rather sharp shower, but we took it in turns to hold the umbrella over the horse's tail. We kept off the rain all right, so there was no real dan : ger." And they wondered why he sniggered.

MAKING BUSINESS FOB THE INFFCTIOUS DISEASES HOSPITAL. Medical Expert : This is not a sneer, Mr Alison. Its a mannerism. I was. born with it, and it has great power over infectious .diseases. ...... : ,; K W.Alison: Well, sir, don't try your mannerisms on me. PmhoLaninfectious disease.

"My friends, some folk say there is no longer any efficacy in prayer. Hue what do I see in the newspapers ? The goldfields people wait on Mr Seddon, and pi-ay for assistance to prospecting. They get it. Another deputation prays for a new bridge, and a third prays for a post office clock. They get these things. Notv, then, who doubts the efficacy of prayer ?"

Other day a woman looked into the studio of an Auckland photographer and enquired as to the cost of taking children's photographs. "Ten and six a dozen, replied the artist. " Impudence," • she snapped, "why, I've only got nine, and the youngest is just getting it* teeth." And with her nose in the air she bounced ont of the shop. ••• . ••• ••• A couple of witnesses too innocent for anything were before one of the country court* last week. It was a tote-betting owe, and they told glibly their story of how they had made wagers at tots odds with the persons accused. At least, they understood it was tot* odds, though nothing was definitely said to that effect. And when they were asked from the Bench whether they were aware that they also were liable to punishment if wagers at tote rates had been made, they stared in surprise, and had to be held up to be sared from falling. As it happened, the Court did not consider the tote- betting proved, so that no one it as punished, but those two youths will be more careful, before they make any more statements in Court, to be sure that the bricks they throw are not such as will come back upon themselves.

Th« " What made Ihe lobster blush, Because it saw the salad dressing " variety of inanity is giving way to this sort of thing. B YYY :~ ♦' Oh, merchant, in thine hour of ccc, If on this paper you should ccc, Take our advice, and now be yyy, Go straightway out and advertiu, You'll find the project of some uuu. Neglect can offer no exqqq ; Be yyy at onee — prolong your daaa, A silent business soon dkkk."

- Quite recently a daily paper contained the following matrimonial advertisement : — A LADY of mature age, but looking young and feeling so— tall, blonde, imposing and graceful, at the same time rich — wishes to again enter the bond* of matrimony. The lady received a number of replies, bat she was not long in deciding. One of them (a typewritten one) took her fancy, andahe arranged an interview. On a certain day she would be at the railway station wearfng in her corsage a nosegay of lilies of the valley, while the gentleman was asked to wear a red rose in his buttonhole. With beating hearts advertiser and responder arrived on the platform, the lady wearing, the lilies and the gentleman hia red jrose, - Bat before either had tim# to ,,bea* ,'a retreat or, conceal 4he ttnoompromjsißg badges, the lady found herself fuee to face with her own son !

The people's Richard has hurt . the feelings of some of the Wellington trades unionists. They had an appointment with him at his office for between 5.30 and 6 one evening last week, and, because he kept them waiting on the doorstep five minutes after that hour, they retired in dudgeon by way of " protest." Other people, from time out of mind, hare learned that to get the ear of a Minister they had to wait that Minister's convenience, or, to use the Admiral's useful phrase, the exigencies of the puLlic service. But then, of course, those men were mere " social pests," or business men, or lawyers. They had lots of time to waste in ministerial anterooms. With trades unionists it is different. They must be received when it suits themselves, or they will sit up and snort. Publi* business be blowed.

At a wedding in one of the country district churches the other day the interest of the congregation was divided between the bridal party and a frisky terrier dog that took as big a part in the proceedings as the parson and his victims together. What he meant by his responses to the parson's questions no one understood, but when it came to his making an attack upon the heels of the best man there was no uncertainty about his intentions,' and the ceremony had to be suspended while groomsman and male goests united in an attack that compelled the retreat of the intruder from the sacred premises.

There was a lively scene near t^e top of Queen-street the other Saturday evening. It was the hour when busi-ness-places send forth their streams of weary salesmen and women, and when devoted lovers keep up the verandah posts while waiting to escort* their best girls home. From one' of the warehouses there emerged a smart young girl. She tucked herself under the arm of the waiting Johnnie, and with him set out for home. But from the darkness came suddenly a venge-ful-looking woman, and sailed for the pair in risjht good earnest. "What sort of a hussy can you be, to walk out with ray husband ?' r she demanded of the surprised and shrinking girl, with more to the same purpose. Meanwhile, her umbrella was plied vigorously and with effect upon the head and shoulders of the young woman. The castigation was kept up till the avenger was unable to inflict more. Then the flirtations married man tofd ' his possibly innocent companion wA*e - allowed to escape as best they c*utd ■ through the crowd.

ftopeWfiei'OeTween 6ft and 86 jour-'' neyn^en cabinet-makers of Auckland are cursing the Arbitration Court and labour legislation audibly just now. Last|we*k, thtsy were in. steady employment at, a substantial wage. This weelc, they- are walking idly about with them, hands in their pockets. The reasoln is simple. The men asked the Arbitration Court to fix higher wages for them, pud higher wages were fixed accordingly, increasing the manufactured cost of furniture from 15 to 22 £ per cent. Then the employers stepped in. At these wages, it no longer paid them to manufacture furniture. It was more profitable to import.

Thejre is a clause in the award providing that if a man is not worth the wages fixed by the Court, the Chairmanvof. the Conciliation Board may pqriiiiit hini to work at a lower rate of w»ges. The employers drew the attention qi the majority of the nien to this tMfcuse. They didn't consider the men 'worth the wages fixed, and referred them to their secretary, in order that lie might obtain permits to work at a lower rate. Until these permits are forthcoming, the men are suspended, which is another way of saying that their employment is gone. They have been struck by the recoil of the labour gun.

Some of the Jaypees in the wayback districts are not distinguished for their scholarship. But it must have been an unusually unlearned specimen who lately had occasion to act as coroner at an inquest, and set forth the jury's verdict in his official return as "Drawnding Exidetally." About another rough diamond of the amateur magistrates the story is told that when he presided at the Police Court the other, day, he assumed his severest frown before calling on the first 'case. " What's the charge ?" he enquired of the policeman who acted as clerk. " Petty larceny, sir," replied the official. "Petty larceny be blowed !" splattered His Worship ; " I didn't ask you the feller's name !"

Strange things happen when you are fishing. So the fishermen tell you, and who^rould.doubt their word 1 Here is one of the latest : — Jones and Robin son were out off the Shore one afternoon last week, when a mighty tug BAtne at Robinson's hook. It took all the strength the two men could exert to pull in the line. They managed to bring thje fish to the surface, and found it to be a huge shark. But just then the line 'snapped, and away went their catch. From that out the party had no luck. When they came to hoist the anchor for the trip home they noted with surprise that it was more weighty than before. When at last they got it aboard what do you think they found ? — that the line they had lost was entangled in it, and they had been playing tug-of«war with the wellnigh exhausted shark at the end of it. Robinson didn't bring the monster ashore to bear out his story, but he is preparedto put the facts on affidavit if need be.

Ada' Whetstone, late of Auckland, is a study in feminine eccentricity. She had a devoted husband, who took pains to show his- fondness for her. For five years (she accepted his attentions, and presumably reciprocated them. Then, without any,, apparent warning, she left .home one day while her husband was at work — eloped with a man whom Whetstone had not even seen. In going away she left behind an extraordinary note, telling her husband that he had become repulsive to her— that it was " torture to have him fussing around," and at the same time recording gratefully the kindness he had .shown her. But in the language of the penny novelette, she declared that. she loved another and he loved her, and. they were willing to risk the consequences. These facts led Mr Justice Conolly to sever the marriage tie between the Whetstones, but His Honor expressed a natural surprise at the clandestine lover being able to form. so intimate an acquaintance with the wife without being seen by the husband^ "Vet, strange inconsistency, the s^inej^dge laid it down in another casejAfeat # .njan shgul/lnQt wajb«h his «<■ : -*oJ --v .■:■■■ i. :■■-. '■■ ...: ■:■■•

Alfred Kidd is a marvel of inconsistency in his mayoral capacity. Several month* ago, ho posed for popularity by refusing the request of a theatrical manager to accord a public reception to Sandow, the strong man. Last week, at the request of another theatrical manager, he and his councillors went down on their knees and metaphorically grovelled at the f«et of Madame Melba.

Tenderly she laid the silent white form beside those that had gone before. She made no outcry ; she did nqt weep. Such a moment was too precious to be spent in idle weeping. But soon there came a time when it seemed as if nature must <giv« way. She lifted up her voice and <?Tied long and loud. Her cry was taken up by others who Were near, and it echoed and echoed over the grounds. Then suddenly all was still. Whafc w.as the use of it all ? Sh* would lay. another egg to-morrow.

There is a youngster in Wellington who emulated the feat of the two lavereargill boys that journeyed on foot all the way to Dunedin to see the Prince and Princess of Wales. This youth, whose name is Charley Forbes, had heard of the fame of the Masterton trout ponds, and just to see them— at least that was the only excuse he gare — he did the gentle stroll of seventy odd miles. When accosted in Masterton streets he averred his intention of tramping back to Wellington, but a considerate policeman interposed and

I ,, v One of our hospital doctors tells 'with gusto the story of the way. in which a malingerer was frightened off the grass not long ago. He was one of those good-for-nothings who wander from streets to gaol from time to time, and are 'clever enough to simulate occasionally some ailment that will give them a week or two of coddling in hospital for a change. This particular fell<q,w was brought along suffering from what appeared to be a ■dreadful pain in the leg. He was put carefully to bed, but the medicos, on examining him, could find nothing ot accountfor the agony he complained of.

The next couple of days' experience convinced the attendants that they hai in hand nothing but a case of shamming. So a pretty little drama was put up for the benefit of the patient. In grave, tones the doctors discussed bis condition a.t the head of his bed, taking care thaj; every word should reach his own ears'.' No, they ipqncluded, it was jio use continuing their present course of treatment ; there was nothing ,for it but the knife. A'tid an operation on' the following day was mournfully arranged for. That night there wan a miraculous recovery. Next day saw the patient in a wondrously chirpy condition. He couldn't understand himself what had brought him round so suddenly ; and he skipped away from the hospital as soon as he could get his clothes restored to him. And the doctors have their tongues in their cheeks when they are praised for bringing about so quick a recovery.

Sympathetic Citizen: Say, old i chap, what's the matter/ Had some bad news ? Is the mother-in-law dead? Ponsonby Bowler! Worse than that (sob, sob). James Kirker has gone away to England, and there woyCt be any mpre hospitality on his private bowling green this season. '

communicated with his parents, who sent up the amount of a railway fareAnd the best of it is that young Charley did the journey barefoot. There ife, however, a sequel. It concerns Charles's interview with his headmaster when he returned to school. Strap oil is said to have lubricated the proceedings materially.

George Winch, of Wellington, stands in the unique position of being doubly divorced, though only once married. It happened this way :— Some years ago his wife secretly sold up her home and disappeared. Winch heard that she had gone to Melbourne, and followed her up to obtain possession of his children. But neither then nor at a second visit could he -find her. So he lately took proceedings for divorce. But then it was discovered that Mrs Winch brought an action on her own account in the Victorian courts twelve months, ago, and obtained a divorce there on the ground of desertion — by means of false evidence, it is now asserted, for instead of Winch having deserted her it was she who forsook him. One would think that the knot was thus effectually untied, but there seems to have been enough of it left for the Chief Justice to let it go again last week. The advantage of the New &ealattd divorce is that it gives the petitioner the possession of -Ms children.' T * e ? •& '■'■

) A reminiscence of the days when Comedian EltoH, whose death was reported the other day, was touring the cblonies One morning when "The Old Guard " was running, Elton was waylaid at his hotel by a somewhat impoverished-looking man, who drew a paper containing a broken set of false teeth from his pocket, and said : "See here, you did this, Mr Elton, and I thought perhaps you'd help a poor devil to get 'em mended. It s a terrible trial to me being without s ein." "I broke them?" cried the comedian. " Well, in a way you did," said the man. " I smashed 'em laughing at your dance last night." Elton stumped up.

Another Ellou atory relates to an apt impromptu from the pit. One night Elton was playing Lurcher, in "Dorothy," and Miss Alice Barnett appeared as the good dame whom he, as the sheriffs man, captivates at Chanticleer Hall. At a certain stage of the play the lady misses Lurcher, and turns about to seek him, with the question, "Where has he gone?" Just then one of the gods chimed in, "Perhaps yer a-standing on 'im, Miss !" Those who remember Miss Barnett's massive proportions, and the comparative size of Elton, will appreciate the humour of the interruption. It broke up the house. ; ■ . -.