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MIXED PICKLES

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— -That patriarchal party Te Wlriti. who since his release from chokee has been fanning at Parihaka, the scene ot the native rising: of a few years ago, and dividing 1 his time between cultivating potatoes and big gooseberries, breeding stock and firing pr -phecies (which never come off) at his still faithful people, hit upon a glorious idea the other day to work up a little excitement in .the minds of his followers, who are rather -weary of hearing that the pakeha's day is over, and chat the star of the Maori is going 1 to be in the ascendant immediately, ii not sooner. The Maori prophet, priest, and king solemnly announced that on a given <iay he would cause the shades of dead and gone Maoris, the famous warriors and chieftains of the past, to revisit for a brief period, and for one ni^ht only, the glimpses of the moon, and converse with their living relatives and friends. Persons desirous of an interview with the departed were directed to notify the fact to Te Whiti, together with the name of the deceased. The news of the coming miracle spread like wilJfire, and natives flocked in to Parihaka from all parts. Most of them brought presents for the Great Chief who was about to exhibit such a signal instance of his power, and the wonder-worker received a list of names of defuuet parties whose presence was requested as long as from this office to the Queen-street wharf. Several days elapsed, the natives boiling over with curiosity and excitement, but Te Whiti made no sign. Then the Maoris murmured amongst themselves and asked each other why faith vas not kept with them. When their patience was quite exhausted, the Great Chief came out of his whare and addressing the concourse said: 'Oh my people, I purposed causing your dead frienda and relatives to appear and to converse with you this day. I have already called up one or two of them, and I dare not summon any more because I am afraid, ashamed to do so. How dare I ask the mighty warriors and chief tains ■who are dead nndgone to meet you, oh degenerate peopl? 'i Your women have intermingled with the pakeha, you have grown idle and dissolute ; you are not fit to meet your great ancestors. Go — depart-, for I cannot do what you ask.' This was very true. But the Maoris were immensely impressed. They dispersed silently and quickly, casting frightened glances behind them for fear lest one or two of the famous warriors with whom Te Whiti had been conversing might y."t be hovering about his whare and perhaps inclined to give chase. Opinions are divided whether in acting thus Te Whiti wished to sermoni.se his people or whether he was merely after presents, of which h« received enough to set him up for the summer. — He was a long, thin, un wholesomelooking galoot, with sunken cheeKs, a prominent and bony nose, and a short, matted black beard. He walked into the office, and addressing a member of the literary staff who happened to be downstairs at the moment, inquired : 4 Are you the feller that gives out the billets ?' ' What kind of a billet do you want ?' ' Oh, anything — editor or manager, or office boy. I ain't pertikler.' ' The editor is upstairs.' ' Oh, is he ?' A minute later he was at the top of the stairs, kissing his hand gracefully to the young ladies in the composing-room. Then he arrived at the sanctum door, knocked, and was told to come in. He steadied himself against the wall as he entered, and inqiiired in a voice reeking with rum : ' 1 called in to inquire whet'-o" you wanted a editor. I think I v>ouM ?ngt»est a good many improvements in youi- paper.' We said that people unacquainted with the work frequently entertained such notions. ' Well,' he said, tin-owing himself into a chair, I'm after a — hie— billet. I tried for one at the cooper's shop up the street just now, but I didn't — hie — get it. As I couldn't manage that, I thought I'd see you. Can you give me a job writing leaders or sweeping the place out, or anything ? I tell you I'm a — hie— daisy.' We said that we were not in want of daisies just then. Still if he thought it worth while he could go and interview the manager downstairs. As he did not evince any inclination to go we remarked that it was our busy day. Still he remained a fixture. Then we" asked him whether he was a judge of bull-dogs ? He said : ' Trot out yer gory dawg an' lets have a —hie — look at him.' We whistled and the ever faithful ' Pants ' bounded in. There waa a scuffle, a rustle, a groan, a shriek, and six feet two of animated flesh rolled rapidly downstairs After that silence reiarned once more, broken or ly by ihe scratching of the editorial quill and th.-? flapping on the floor of our invaluable dopf's tail. That dog is worth his weight in diamonds. — A. Picture of the Future : ' How does it fit ?' asked the new Chief Justice, c nring in dressed in her new robe. 'It's just lovely!' exclaimed the associate justices in a breath. ' But isn't thfra too much fullness behind r l ' ' O'i no, not si bit,' replied one with emphasis. • { think it's just right,' said another. The Chief Justice turned herself around before the mirror two or three times, but as there was no ilissiant'iig opinion. th-> clouds which had daik: j ;>.<?<{ her bro^ we;o gradually dispelled, and she went out eviiiy, the rustling of her garments constituting a grand wbligato to the rhytbmio throbbinga of her happj heart. — At the Library : — Mrs Bliss—' Give me a very interesting book to-day.' Librarian — " Will you have ' Eobert El-une'-e,' " Mrs B.— ' Oh, no! That's a dangerous book, Why, poor Miss Fhmsy read it, and has become ft perfeofc prognostic. I was always fond of natural jjujitory, so I will take this one, ' Moths.' " i

— In a recent work on the stage appears the following price-list of one of the Paris claques : — Ordinary reception 5 francs Enthusiastic do. ... .. ... ... 15 „ Simple recall ... .■ • ... •• • 25 „ Frantic recalls 50 „ Murmurs of applause 15 „ Chuckling 5 „ Laughter 5 „ Involuntary laughter 10 „ Exclamations: 'How funny!' etc. .. 15 „ — Thus Modern Society : In these days when poverty and distress are mmpant, it is simply sickening to see the manner in which many women pamper the oanino brutes which they lead behind them or which frisk round their petticoats. Mutton chops, rump steaks, biscuits, and strengthening broth, are the viands on which these uspleas creatures gormandise, and even when a merciful Providence removes them to a better world (if it could be better from a doggy point of view) their owners go to still further expense in their interment. Quite recently we heard of the death and burial of a bow-wow which was entombed in a coffin made of mahogany, and lined with the finest white silk. A satin pillow was provided for the animal's head, and a silver plato recorded its name and age. With such preparations for sepulture, it is not surprii-iin.-r i • learn that the idiotic owner of this creature wjpt aa it was lowered into the grave. A. MINIATURE NOVEC. By the Author of ' Sent Back,' ' Returned with Thanks,' ' Not Suitable,' etc. Vol. I. Vol. 11. Ancient mansion ; j Rival? jealous ! Gardens fair ; Challenge read ! Guileless maiden ; Midnight meeting ; Beauty rare ! Left for dead ! Summer weather ; Rival presaws Many friends Hard his suit On a visit — ' Will she wed him ?' Intrigue blends. Maiden, mute. Walks and blushes ; Shavn tletectivo ; Songs and sighs ; "Rival caught ! Whisper'd secrets ; Tried for m.irder ! Love-lit eyes. : Witness -ought. Vol. 111. Languish maiden. Days and weeks : Never smileth. Seldom speaks. Eyes with heart-brea < Tears are fill'd : Lover turns up ' Was not kill'd '. Deathless passioi. Each one tells ! True love triumph- Wedding bells ; — 'Papa's Home To-Nigh f. 'is the title of a new song. So the old man hu.s yielded at last. Let's see, it must be about fifteen yesira since they began to coax him with ' Father. Dear father, Come Home.' — A. Lovers' Quarrel. — She: 'I think you're odious, and I'll uerer speak to you again.' He : ' I think you will, dear.' She : ' How dare you call me : ' dear " '?' He : ' I think you will.' She : ' Never ! ' He : ' I'm sure you will.' She (tossing her head) .- 'Oh, indeed, and why, pray ?' He : ' Because we're sure to meet again.' Sha: ' And I shall certainly not speak to you. I suppose you flatter yourself that I am so much in love with you. I was until I learned what you really are, but I see now how weak I have been, and it shall never occur again.' He : ' What shan't occur again ?' She (with icy gaiety): 'Do you know 1 positively hate you ?' He : ' You haven't had time to show it yet, and if you never speak to mo again I shall never believe it.' She : ' Well, you needn't. Most people have some discrimination, except idiots, I believe.' He : ' But, my dear girl •' She : ' Don't dare to call me that.' He : ' You won't be able to help speaking to me. We meet. You look at me, pretending not to see me. I take no notice whatever — not even so much as to try and look as disagreeable as you do. Calm, happy, pleasant, and popular ' She: 'Ha, ha, ha!' He : 'Igoon my quiet, useful way — not oven paying you the compliment of flirting with another girl to show that I don't care.' She : ' How considerate to the other girl !' Her 'Then you become a little more pronounced. Your eyes sparkle ; your colour is heightened ; you look even more lovely than when you were Hulking.' She : ' Pray insult me. I quite expected that.' He : ' Then when it is too late to make things pleasant you give me an imperious sign. 1 obey. You are panting with disappointed revenge. I am co calm and kind, like a big brother. Thei: you forget the value of your fan and break it. You bito your handkerchief, and throw the pieces away. I pick them up reverently and put them in my waistcoat pocket.' She : ' A rag and bone man.' He : ' You pant " Speak to me?" You speak so fast and so vehemently that I pab your exquisite head and say, soothingly. '' What vi it, little girl ?"' She : ' Don't touch mo !' He : ' And then you turn yoav head away and look up at the Chinese lanterns, an<i down at the azaleas and lilies, and then you i aka a hasty step from me, and then back again, and in a moment you are sobbing, sobbing like anything, and I am as considerate as if you were my brother's motherin-law, and quite as calm.' She : ' Oh, you wretch, you wretch ' (impulsivelysweeping a plate off the tea-table). He ; l My darling you've broken th<? poor plate, which has done nothing at all.' She ; ' It wa3 your fault (suddenly bursting into passionate tears). Oh! lam so wretched so very, very wretched.' He: 'My pretty partridge, my pleasant little pigeon, don't cry, darling. Ct was all ray fault.' She: 'N-n-no! It isn't that. I don't mind the old q-q-q-uarrel ' I l-like it, but Hmf-.'s ono of ;iiy h-b-beauiiful o-o-old Worcester t-i-t t^a service. I w-w-wish we were both dead. D-don's yen V (Left sitting). j — Line written on abutiouk-s* <hivi : ' Insatiate starolier, would not otje suffi?-? '■'

— Military Item :— i Sentry : ' Who goes there ?' Officer: 'Captain Fuller-hie— than usual.' Sentry; Turn out the guard for Captain Imller, the commanding officer ' Officer (excitedly) : 'Shut up, you bluffoo-hio -don t f.urn out the -hw-guard. Turn out the — luc— gas.' —One fine morning— say 20 years ago— | two young 1 Auckland bank clerks were sent for by their manager. They obeyed the summons in fear and trembling. The great man received them in his private room, and gravely informed them that ho had noticed with regret that they were by nomeans so steady as they might be. Drink was ruining their health and their prospects. ' Now, gentlemen ' said the manager ' ie is useless to tell me that you will knock if off. So long as you are here and in the midst of temptation you will never reform. My advice (he was not a bad sort, this bank manager) is— go away for a month's holiday and let it be to some place where hotels and drinking bars are unknown. Active exercise and pure, fresh air will bring you round if anything will , and you will return to your work new men. If you will not make an effort to reform, well' — hpre the manager shrugged his shoulders significantly and the boys could read the end of his sentence in that shrug. It meant 'If you can't or won't put in the peg you will have to look out for other employment.' And so those two fellows left town. They decided to ruraliae at Motntapu and live on the rabbi (.3 < hat fell to their gtui3 and the fish that came uo on their lines. They would shoot, fish, bathe, tramp, and in shortj lead a Eobinson Crusoe existence for a month, and so kill what the Americans call ' thr. drink habit.' Their first day in camp passed off fairly well, but the craving for liquor was growing stronger every hour. Towards nightfall, as luck would have it, a stranger arrived in a little boat intending to camp out for the night there. The boys were glad to see him, and more than s?lud when ho produced a oouole o! bottles of whisky. Here was a friend in need, a friend indeed ! They made a night of it. Two bottles of whhky don't go fViv between three men, who. to use a euphemistic American phrase, possess ' a constitutional susceptibility to the alcoholic impression ' But it was enough to set those two bank fellows ofl'. Their craving in the early morning for a hair of the dog that bit them was terrible. It consumed them, burnt them up. They longed for whisky as men who are cast away at sea, or are lost in some arid, trackless desert long for water. Their chance acquaintance put off at dawn in his boat, promising to bring back further supplies. But tho hours passed away and he came not. They were in utter, abject misery. A raging thirst, that spirits alone could quench, possessed them. Thoy suffered the tortures of the lost. They would gladly have returned to Auckland, but in their anxiety to cut themselves off irom all communication with the outer world, they had, on their arrival, sent back tho boat by the man who had brought them down. So bad did they become that Tom was stuffing his handkerchief into his mouth, in his efforts to stifle the horrible craving that filled him, while Dick was away upon the cliff, almost delirious. He wandered aimlessly to and fro, and babbled ceaselessly about drink. Suddenly his bloodshot eyes lit up with excitement. Shading his face with his hand he ffazed out across the calm, still sea, and then with a sudden shout he went boiuiding down the face of the cliff at the imminent risk of breaking his neck. He had seen the boat approaching. Without stopping 1 even to takeoff his coat he rushed into the water and waded out until he was able to seize the side of the boat in his nervous grasp, and gasped out ' brandy, for C4.)d's sake, brandy !' A large flask was handed to him. Ho clutched tho precious stuff as a miser clutches gold, and shrieking out to his mate ' Saved, Tommy, saved !' — emptied hall the flask at a draught. They made a night of it again, and this timo the supplies being 1 larger, they wore able to keep up the booze in proper stylo. We arc afraid the manager's expedient was not a success. Poor Tommy went ! over to the great majority years ao-o. Dick ■ conqupre-'l the craving at last, put in the peg for I good and all. and now ' 20 years after,' is tho ] holder of a mo^t responsible position and much | respected by all who know him. t.> Queen-street Incident : Boozy One (to policeman) : — ' Shay, 'm I drunk or shobor ?' Policeman : ' I should call you pretty drunk. Can't you tell t' Boozy One : ' No. You see, I lost'm bottle.' j Policeman : ' What's that got to do with it ?' j Boozy One : ' I can toll by that how I am. ! When bottl'sh full I'm empty, an' when bottl'sh I empty I'm fall.' j — A man >.va; ]viekod up r^o^ntlv by the police, who seemed to be suffering from mental aberration, but who. on rocoverv, g-ave this account of himself : — When ho l<-ft his happy i homy, early in thf morn'm?. his 'vii'o kiswd hi*a good-bye, as was her cusiom. whoa sh.fi wanted an errand performed, and then asked him to { go to the dressmaker, and tell her that she (his wife) had changed her mind, and would h&ve the watered silk made up instead of tha poplin : and ba sui-o to tell her, dear,' said the wife, ' that if she thinks it would look better with ten bias flounces without puffing, arid box-pleated below the equator, which shouL! be gathered in hemstitched gudgeons up and down the sesims, with a gusset stitch bntwfion, shoean make itupin that way, instead <'f fluting 1 the bobinette insertion, and niercing out with point applique, as T suggested ye^'evday.' German Joke : At the Officer's M 953:— Senior Lieutenant (io new waiter, promoted from the rank-) : ' Whoa you remove the plates a' 'vays ask each gentleman if he desires a second help of soup.' Next day. Waiter (changing the plates) : ( Will the Herr Lieutenant t i)r Q aTl y m oro soup r' Lieutenant •• ' Yes !' Waiter: 'There isn't any left!' — Tho following are compositions by two young, but promising, Sydney es*ayist9 : 1. ' Elijah was a great prophet, and God took him up to Heaven, and on the way he dropped his cloak for Qur-en Klizabeth to walk over, so that she should Tint soil her feet in the mud.' 11. ' Courage is of two kinds, moral and physical. Mord courage is I when you tell a lie to prevent your being found I r.ufc nt'sohocrl. Physic l •-onng.'3 is, for example, I vAiyv. Lord Nelfon «.iid at the batt/e of Water! so. ' Ki'.a^Tid e:;pf>cLs every man to do his duty.' " —A. novel in the press is entitled 4 Shut the Door.' The title is not novel. It has been a houaeh.il..] ph^s* for years during the wini-?? senior..

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